Our position has been compromised.
Initiate Operation Kordell-Stewart.
Meet me at the rendezvous point at O-600.
God speed.
Ah, the truth comes out. Unfortunately, it doesn't involve Chad Johnson punching any of the Bengals coaches. Sigh. Color me disappointed.
Anyways, so it appears that 85 pulled a Plaxico Burress, arriving late to a team meeting and then basically just taking up space while the coaching staff reviewed what were probably some very pressing and important matters...ish. And after repeated attempts by Offensive Coordinator Bob Bratkowski to snap him back to reality, Herr Marvin Lewis stepped in and brought the hammer down on bad boy Chad, sending him home to his mommy. No word on whether Chad will also get detention for this, but I've heard grumblings that they might put him on double top secret probation.
Either way, maybe OC (Ocho Cinco, get it?) should've consulted with his good buddy Donovan McNabb before he played footsie with the Bengals coaching staff. Then again, Donovan McNabb probably wouldn't have known about the rule regarding being on time for team meetings anyhow.
So, Chad - Congratulations on perpetuating your already negative image, dude. You're a model human being.
Well OC may have been late, but these links are right on time...
The Monday Friday Morning Chrysler New Yorker [PSaMP]
MJD thinks the Steelers are one of seven teams that could be in the Super Bowl. God, I hope so. But I can't say I'm that confident right now [Shutdown Corner]
Gary Russel's making more than just a statement about his goal line prowess...he's also showing us that his fashion sense is fierce! [You Lay On The Ice Like A Broad]
Just in case you're a masochist - here's the video of Chris Crocker wrecking Sansmokio. Methinks that no amount of cheeba could've helped him numb the pain from this one [Sports Crackle Pop]
Send LJKC some love...she spent three whole hours at the dentist yesterday. That's pretty much like watching any St. Louis Rams or Detroit Lions game...ouch [Superhero.]
Meeting People Is Easy to follow later on this afternoon (maybe). Gotta do some real work first so they don't stop paying me. Lord knows I need that cash to feed my addiction to Pepperidge Farm Mint Milanos.
Well, alrighty then. We took care of that one, now, didn't we? I mean, I would've thought the score would be like 48-0, but I'll take 27-10. I gotta give it to 'em. The Bengals were really trying to win that game for a while. And in all honesty there were a couple of points where I started to get a really bad feeling like we were going to let a 1-8-1 team, missing one of its top receivers, among others, back into that game. But we didn't, really. And we got the win. So all is well in Steeler Nation today.
Or is it?
What happened to Willie Parker? A "tweaked knee?" That. Ain't. Good. And what about Brett Keisel? A sprained knee? I mean, that ain't legal good either. Ugh. Oh yeah, and Santonio has a concussion. That must be fun for him. But he did get ROCKED. So I guess we should be glad he's not hurt worse.
That all aside, we can at least enjoy this win a little bit. Ben's statline wasn't quite as robust as last week in certain areas (though it was great overall), but he did improve in one key area - TDs, running one in from eight yards out, and throwing one in to HEATH!!!, who surprisingly was an integral part of the overall game plan for once.
And while I thought we could have won this one by a few more, I can't really complain about the overall performance, considering we only had like three days off to prepare. So without any further bullshitting, let's run through the "Things That Were Awesome," "Things That Were Not Awesome," and "Things That Made Me Want To Punch Cris Collinsworth In The Face" (which, to be fair, I would have wanted to do even if nothing bad happened, but I'm gonna go with it anyway).
Things That Were Awesome
1. Willie Gay looked pretty damn good last night. Hooray for Gay!
2. Mewelde Moore - 15 carries, 56 yds, 4 catches, 44 yds and a key part of winding that game down in the 4th quarter. Bravo, Memo.
3. A couple of successful screen passes? Surely Bruce Arians could not have called this game?
4. Aaron Smith - THREE passes defended! That's what I'm talkin' about!
5. Upside Down Dogs...I'm literally laughing out loud right now.
6. The soundtrack for this post.
7. Troy Polamalu is a monster! Ridiculous game and another pick.
8. ZERO offensive turnovers. Two weeks in a row, yay! We're making progress.
9. Aw, Gary Russel's first TD. Our boy is growing up so fast.
10. James Farrior - EIGHT solo tackles, to lead the team. Dude is Thirty. Three.
Things That Were Not Awesome
1. Nate Washington pass interference. I mean, it kind of looked like the DB ran into him, but damn that sucked.
2. ONE sack? Against a line that had two rookies starting on the left side?
3. Cris Collinsworth. And just because. No real reason necessary.
4. Letting Ryan Fitzpatrick drive the Bengals 58 yards in less than a minute on the Bengals last drive (at least Troy ended that one).
5. Letting the Bengals score at all. How was that game not even more lopsided?
Things That Made Me Want to Punch Cris Collinsworth in the Face
1. Keisel's injury.
2. Limas "Hands Team" Sweed getting knocked into the football on that kickoff. This isn't basketball, man. They're allowed to hit you.
3. Earth to Bruce Arians, that reverse call? Yeah, knock it off. That shit is worthless.
4. Illegal block out of bounds on a punt? Who? Why?
5. Paul Ernster (Pornster) - You sir, are fired. Make it happen, Tomlin.
Oh, and one more big fat sack of shit thing -- The internet feeds of the game on channelsurfing.net and justin.tv. You all, can suck a dick. If you're going to broadcast something like a football game, and a Steelers game at that, you better make sure your feed is immune from everything! I actually might have murdered "justdonate" if that dude's feed had screwed up one more time. Do not incur the wrath! But, you know, thanks for broadcasting...so I could actually see the game...which reminds me...
I guess we've really got the NFL to thank for that one. Listen up, dick mongers. Screw you and your bullshit channel. As if you don't make enough money off of merchandising, licensing, and fining the Steelers, you've gotta make your network only available on certain cable/satellite providers and require people to pay extra for it? Give me a break. You and your channel can go get effed. Seriously.
Anyways, with that win, we move to 8-3 on the season, a full two games ahead of those Ratbirds from STDmore. At least until Sunday when they face the Illadelphia Donovan McNabb Circus Show. Let's hope the Eagles are so thoroughly embarrased by the fact that they tied with, and almost lost to, the Bengals that they come out and destroy the Ravens. Just absolutely dismantle them. That, friends, would make me very happy. So Andy Reid, if you're listening, cut that 'stache, first of all, you dick. Makes you look like Holmgren's fanboy. That or the Wizard of Oz. Second of all, quit jaggin' around with the ball and put it in the end zone. Ride the Don-o-van to victory. Your in state brethren need you. Do your civic duty.
So guys, what do we think? Thumbs up? Thumbs down? What were your Awesome, Not Awesome and Collinsworth face-punching worthy moments?
Lock your doors and hide your valuables, Pittsburgh, for the Cincinnati Bengals cometh. Yes, I'm sure this is the matchup you've been anticipating for weeks. You know, since the last time we played them, like a month ago.
What has changed for the dudes in orange and black stripes? Not a whole lot. They won a game against Jacksonville and kind of almost won a game against Philadelphia. But we're still talking about Ryan Fitzpatrick, Cedric Benson, TJ Douchemanzadeh and Queen Chad Johnson (UPDATE: Wrong. Chad Johnson will not be playing. He's been deactivated). 
Only this time around, they're also missing the whole left side of their offensive line. The last time we played these jokers, we sacked that Ryan Fitzpatrick seven times. And that was when Levi Jones and Andrew Whitworth were both still healthy. So I can't even imagine what Silverback and The Wood will do to Fitzpatrick tonight.
Not only that, but the Bangles just went toe to toe with the Eagles Defense on Sunday. And say what you will about the tenets of national socialism Eagles, their Defense is pretty good...and physical. So, the smart money says they're probably a little banged up even beyond the two aforementioned lineman (not that we're not, but you know what I mean).
Either way, the Associated Press has astutely extrapolated the following headline from a Max Starks quote - "07 Loss to Jets Makes Steelers Wary of Bengals." Did I make the immediate connection? Nope. Frankly, I'm not even sure the AP did. But as it turns out, when we met the Jets last season, it was November 18 (today's the 20th), our record was 7-2 (we are, of course, currently 7-3) and their record was 1-8 (Cincy's is 1-8-1). Plus, their QB was backup Kellen Clemens, although HE had replaced Chad Pennington due to the fact that Pennington was playing worse than Trent Green the Concussed, while Fitzpatrick is starting for Carson Palmer the Great due to injury.
I just hope they don't try and pull a flea flicker like the Jets did last year. That shit was terrible. Embarrassing. And I had to sit there, surrounded by Jets fans screaming in my face about how bad they were and the fact that they had just successfully torched us with a 56 yard flea flicker on the 2nd play of the game. No joke, part of their dig was that their team was so far in the crapper, and yet they were still making us look like the St. Louis Rams. Of course, the worst part was - at that point, I had nothing to say. They were so right.
Anyways, do I see this Cincy game going that way? Nah, not really. I would hope we learned from that experience. Plus, this year we haven't been as blessed with health and success concurrently. Last season, if I remember correctly, we were completely healthy when we met the Jets. And not only that, we were enjoying a generous and perhaps a bit fraudulent record - having only beaten the Browns (twice), Bills, 49ers, Seahawks, Bengals and Ravens. This year, we've had a tougher road to sled what with our schedule and all the injuries. I think with the ups and downs we've had this season, hopefully it's helped us realize not to take anything for granted.
But all that aside, we haven't scored a touchdown in almost two full games (just under 7 quarters). Now might be the time to change that. You know how in basketball sometimes you just start laying brick after brick and if you move in closer and take a couple of easy shots, you get your touch back? Well maybe this is the football equivalent. Go in there, keep the Offensive momentum, but this time get six instead of three. God, I hope they score like 56 points tonight.
Now, your turn. The Bangles - What say you?
So I really want to laugh at this and take great pleasure in the Bengals pain. But frankly, at 0-8, they're pretty much irrelevant. Sure, I take plenty of pleasure in the fact that Carson Palmer isn't playing and probably won't for the remainder of the year, thus also not being discussed as one of the "elite" QBs in the league. But as a team, overall, do I care about them? Not today, at least. Maybe on November 20th. But no, not now when the Ravens and Browns both won last weekend and we lost.
Seriously though, the Bengals brass really oughta take a good look at that team in the offseason and figure out what they're trying to do. With Carson Palmer back, that Offense is really only a few pieces short. But the Defense...what Defense? Who's the star on that side of the ball? Leon Hall? I don't even know. They let Justin Smith go in free agency. And they cut Deltha O'Neal. I mean, do they even want to win? Ever? Earth to Mike Brown - you're bringing the proverbial knife to a gun fight. It's about as easy to win without playing defense as it is to keep Britney Spears sober for more than two days. You should probably sort that out. Your defense, not Britney. I'm on that one.
But what I really want to know is, will these guys be the first team since the '76 Buccaneers to go winless? One way or the other, it's pretty sad that I even just wrote that. Yikes.
Good thing with these links below, we all win...
Hmm, suitor #5 looks awful familiar... [Zamboni Harmony]
Cowher to Dallas? Sounds about as likely as Cowher to Oakland [SbB]
Notice the small reference to Ben's shoulder still hurting...perhaps it's time we start protecting our QB, O-Line [ESPN]
Big Ben tells KDKA that Sid is the bigger star in the 'Burgh [KDKA]
Speaking of, the Pens may be injured as well...Max Talbot? [PSaMP]
Ratings for Game 5 of the World Series sucked. Wow, shocker. It was flooded out and there was a big matchup between the Colts and Titans on at the same time? Do the math [AP]
EDITOR'S NOTE: Tobiathan's "Dear Diary" appears every Monday following Steelers games. Except when it appears on Tuesday, following a Monday night game. These are Tobiathan's deepest and most intimate thoughts. And he's kind enough to share them with all of us. So continue to show him love in the comments!Dear Diary,
Show secured! And with time to spare...
This week we continued our domination, eradicating both your brain cells AND a bunch of pesky flies that found their way into my apartment.
As usual, we sincerely hope you enjoy!
And the Outtake Reel [will be fixed shortly]...
[Unnamed] Steelers Pregame Show. Week 7 [PSAMP]
Cincinnati. What can I say about the Bungles that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan? They look bombed out and depleted.
Ok, no seriously. Here's the state of the Bengals - They're 0-6 - despite a few close ones, sans Carson Palmer - sub Ryan Fitzpatrick who may be more suited to attack the MCATs than the Pittsburgh defense; they feature a one-two backfield punch of Chris Perry (averaging a staggering 42 rush yards per game) and Cedric Benson (recently signed off waivers), and an imposing Defense that includes such notable talents as Domata Peko, Rashad Jeanty and Dexter Jackson. So clearly the Steelers will face their toughest test of 2008.
Alright, no, let's get serious. There is no such thing as a sure thing. Especially in the NFL this year. I needn't remind you of last weekend's results as evidence. So while the Bengals, on their face, don't seem to be quite the formidable foe they've been in the past they were in 2005, they've still got some playmakers that we'd be apt to worry about. Mainly - TJ Douchemanzadeh, Chad Johns-circus-show, Chris Henry - The Perpetually-Incarcerated Wonder, Jonathan Joseph (ish), Leon Hall (ish), and Keith Rivers (as much ish as you can give to a 1st round rookie).
And let's not forget that now Willie Parker is out for Sunday, Marvel Smith is more than likely out (sub the 7 million dollar bench warmer man, Max Starks), and Casey Hampton may likely sit this one as well. So we're not exactly in tip-top shape either. We're a handful of sacks away from losing to an 0-6 team vying to replace last year's Dolphins as the league's most worthless franchise. We can NOT let that happen.
The good news is, the Defense is relatively healthy. We're getting Keisel back, although we can't be sure he's 100%. Nick Eason, Travis Kirschke and Chris Hoke been filling in rather well. The linebackers are playing like the ravenous, sack-happy beasts we know they truly are, and Troy looks like a man on fire, and has actually been somewhat vocal to boot. All that notwithstanding, I'm slightly worried about our Corners. Notice I said SLIGHTLY. We know they can play, but the only real weapons Cincy has are really the three aforementioned Wide Receivers. Good news again is that Deshea Townsend should be well rested. So the trio of Face Me Ike, Bryant "Look at my sick goatee" McFadden and Deshea "I ain't done yet" Townsend should be alright. That said, it's something to watch.
In addition, I'll also be watching - Jeff Reed. I know that sounds weird, and NO I don't mean watching him while he photographs his manliness in the hotel bathroom. I mean that left calf he injured in our game against Jacksonville Jagoffville two weeks ago. Tec and I have been very vocal about our expectations for Party Boy Reed, but this injury may be more than any of us are thinking. And there's only one way to find that out. Either way, hopefully he spent the bye week rehabbing and taking it easy rather than refereeing pudding wrestling with Sandy Sanderson at Buckhead's. But I have my doubts about that.
Then there's Nate Washington. And, I mean that in a good way (for the first time). Last game he shined, nabbing six catches for 94 yards and a score. If he can be that reliable on Sunday, and Hines can have the kind of game HE had two weeks ago (7 catches, 90 yards, 1 TD), not to mention hopefully a healthy Santonio, we should have some great success throwing the ball in the absence of Master Fly W Large (Willie Parker for those of you who aren't familiar with the OFTOT preferred nomenclature).
Plus, with Dallas Baker out this week, we just might get our first real taste of what Limas Speed Sweed can do. Arians wants to throw that patented corner of the end zone fade? Who better to chuck it to than a 6'4" 220 lb monster who'll likely be covered by either Simeon Castille (6'0", 195, undrafted free agent) or David Jones (6'0", 196, 2nd year Corner out of Wingate). I would love nothing more than to see Limas Sweed pillage the Bengals secondary. Of course, it's not likely...and frankly, I'd love nothing more than to see ANY of our receivers pillage the Bengals secondary. But I gotta have something to write about. You understand.
So that's my two, three, four (?) cents for whatever they're worth (don't even make the smartass joke). And in case you were wondering, Steely McGnome has predicted Steelers - 34, Bengals - 24.
What do you guys think? Anyone you'll be looking at on Sunday? Any concerns you have? Anybody got any gum?
Let's have it.
Oh, I'll also be watching the benGALs. But not in 'nam while the game is going on, of course...
Actually, I probably could've plugged just about any variable into that second spot and this formula would still be true. Just a little zing there to start things off right. Yes, today I've made a somewhat unwise editorial decision and chosen to "entertain" you all with a few words about Bengals Wide Receiver and Master of the Golden Sound Bite, Chad Johnson Ocho Cinco.
I'm fully convinced that Chad Johnson's sole aim in life is to be as ridiculous of a human being as possible. I mean, so far, he's yet to prove me wrong. Remember when he raced a horse? How about the 10,000 different touchdown tea parties he's held in his eight year career? Then, there's the gold fronts. Dude, we know your teeth are probably whiter than Clay Aiken. Give it up. And of course, who could forget the time he legally changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco. To borrow a Christy-ism - "Chad Johnson is a whore." I don't really think there's any better way to describe him. He's a circus show.
Here's how this works - Chad Johnson, like many other prima donna receivers, wants all the attention. Example - Chad ain't gettin' the ball enough. Chad ain't doing shit. No route running and certainly no blocking...knowing full well that negative attention is still, after all, attention. Like a spoiled child, if he is denied what he wants, he will pout, inviting ESPN and the like to launch a weekly segment called, "Chad Johnson Catchwatch." He is sentiment-blind. If his face is on TV, he's happy. Everything else is just peripheral.
Seeing as how this may very well happen this week, what with the Bengals being in the crapper and all, I half expect ESPN to give Chad Johnson a ring. You know, what amazes me about that is that they solicit his input, then their talking heads inevitably condemn him for doing what they fully expect and know he will do - talk nonsense. It's kind of like watching anything on MTV these days. You know it's going to suck, but you kind of like watching it for some masochist reason unknown to you...I mean...I've never watched "My Super Sweet Sixteen" before...I don't know what you're talking about...
But you know, for all of that, if he were anything like Hines Ward, he'd be a pretty awesome receiver. He's 6'1", 192 and faster than a race horse (the same I spoke of above). Too bad he's got his head up his ass.
I guess you could call this an "Opponent Spotlight" of sorts. Sorry I didn't quote you any numbers, shit's rough nowadays.
Thoughts?
I've had enough of the Wildcat formation, and it's only Week 7.
When Miami did it first, it was cute. When some other team, whose name escapes me did it, I thought, "wow, good for them." When the Browns did it last night, I threw up in my mouth a little.
Screw this formation and screw anyone else who decides to use it for the rest of the season.
Watch, now the Bengals will do it this Sunday. I'm a curse. It's a proven fact.
Today, I've got a couple. First, the headline above. Yep, I pretty much can't say that this analysis is that far offbase. I mean, not taking them lightly aside, just look at the franchise's body of work over the last 20 years. Makes you wonder why it was the BROWNS that moved to Bawlmore and became the Ravens. Hey, I've got an idea. HIRE A [redacted] GM!
Next, there's this...
Ok, as much as I said I wouldn't mind Carson Palmer playing Sunday, I have to admit, that headline looks pretty good. Unlike Ryan Fitzpatrick, who is...well, see here. That's as much as I'll say about that. Any little advantage helps.
One thing I will say, though, is - Did I hear someone on ESPN talking about the possibility of Tommy John surgery? Alright guys, let's just step back for a moment. As far as I can tell, a "sore" passing elbow does not equal Tommy John surgery. Let's not forget that nine days ago he threw for 217 yards and 2 TDs against the Cowboys. Doesn't sound like it's that bad, if you ask me.
But hey, what do I know? I'm just a blogger, not a Doctor. In fact, I don't even understand science. I'm the biggest science idiot I know. You know what I know about science? The chemical composition of water is H2O...and I probably only remember that because H2O is the name of a punk band I used to listen to...yep, not smart.
Maybe these links will help me understand a little better...
Master Fly W Large Returns [Post-Gazette]
How had I never heard of the Browns #2 fan? [Deadspin]
Make a trade with Dave and help him parlay a Terrible Towel into season tickets [SteelersTrade.com]
This is worth a look solely for Tec's reference to Etonic track suits [PSAMP]
Eli vs. Peyton - This is where MJD stands...where I stand is, "Screw you, Eli! I thought you were a sure thing against the Browns so I sat your underproducing brother in fantasy, only to watch you match his TD total with INTs. You're a real dick." [MJD]
Romo out for a month...but don't worry, he'll be back for December 7 [ESPN]
ADDENDUM: State of the Steelers Injury Situation, Per Mike Tomlin...
Keisel - Back
Carey Davis - Out
Dallas Baker - Out
Big Snack - A little groin problem (Questionable)
Fast William - Questionable
Jeff Reed - Questionable
Marvel Smith - Questionable
I'm not going to talk about what happened with the Browns last night. I think Derek Anderson's 310 yards, Jamal Lewis' 88 yards and Braylon Edwards' 154 receiving yards say just about all that needs to be said.
But it goes back to something I mentioned yesterday - teams with nothing to lose will always scare me. Teams IN OUR DIVISION with nothing to lose, particularly scare me.
You know what's weird? I've told a few different people over the last 24 hours that I'm not taking the Bengals lightly, and they've almost all laughed at me, scoffing, "come on, it's the Bengals!" You know who these people are? They're Eagles fans. Seriously, I had at least two separate Eagles fans tell me that the Steelers might as well count on a win, Sunday.
What? I mean, seriously, what? Did they not watch the Cowboys and Redskins games this past weekend? Maybe they'll change their tune this morning after what the Browns did to the final 25% of that supposed "powerhouse" division last night. This should be a lesson to you Eagles fans, should it not? Don't take any team for granted? Any given Sunday? That's what she said?
Ok, so maybe I'm going a little overboard on purpose.
The truth is - Carson Palmer's out. The Bungles can't play Defense to save their lives. Marvin Lewis and Chris Henry are on their feline-esque ninth lives with the franchise. Chris Perry...is he even playing anymore? They're in bad shape. Yeah, they've had some close ones with some good teams. But those all came when Palmer was starting. The Ryan Fitzpatrick legacy? An 0-2 record, 154 passing yards per game average, 3 interceptions, a passer rating of 56 and a partridge in a pear tree. CHAMPIONSHIP!
So allow me to rip on the Bangles for a minute, just to get it out of my system. I'm going with Nine different potential digs, here. Nine for Carson Palmer.
No guac, let's rock...
Number One - Good call on cutting Rudi Johnson, idiots. How's that working out for you? He may not be a pro bowler anymore. But I'll bet he'd average more than 42 yards a game.
Number Two - Remember the time you traded Corey Dillon for a 2nd round draft pick (Madieu Williams) and he blew up with New England for a 1,600 yard, 12 TD season, the best of his career, at the age of 30? That was pretty ingenious as well. Hey Mike Brown, when you're done ruining the Bungholes franchise, you think you can take a crack at solving our current financial crisis? Sweet, thanks.
Number Three - Cris Collinsworth. I take some solace in the fact that you have to live with this abomination on your conscience, for-EV-ER.
Number Four - What was so bad about the Icky Shuffle? I thought that shit was pretty cool. What's that all about?
Number Five - You know what? You're right. Dick LeBeau's to blame for 2000-2002. Too bad you had to let him go, freeing him up to eventually rejoin your divisional rival, our Steelers, where he resumed his role as Godfather of the Pittsburgh blitz (179 sacks recorded from '04-Present). Man, what an awful Coach. He makes Marvin Lewis look like Vince Lombardi!
Number Six - The people demand an apology for ruining Kijana Carter's career.
Number Seven - What is with Ohio and Orange in uniforms? Aren't they aware that it makes you look like a pumpkin? Seriously, go look at something Orange and tell me you don't see either a pumpkin or a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in it. I dare you. And I'm not talking about chicks-tanning-Orange. I'm talking Radioactive Yellow and Radioactive Red make blindingly Orange, Orange.
Number Eight - Tell the BenGALs to call me. Hey, baby...
Number Nine - That Chili. Come on, man. Cinnamon? Really? Cinnamon? You're a disgrace. Just watch how many times I rip on Cincinnati Chili during this week's [Unnamed] Steelers Show. I'll bet it'll be more times than I curse. And that's a LOT.
Ugh, all this hating is tiring me out. I'm gonna go steal a cat-nap real quick. Talk amongst yourselves. Here, I'll give you a topic - Longest. Post. Ever.
Discuss.
Well, photograph me naked in a bathroom with a cell phone and call me Jeff Reed!
What a weekend for the NFL, right?
Ravens? Dominated.
Bengals? Ryan Fitzpatrick'd.
Broncos? Guess Maurice Jones-Drew doesn't suck anymore.
Bears? Matt Ryan = 300 yards.
Skins? Beat at home by Jim Haslet.
Cowboys? Got approximately 1500 calls their way and still lost to Cards.
Panthers? 3 points? Jesus. Christ.
To borrow a line from a wise man, the reality of it is -- this league is wide open. You wanted parity, America? You got it. And I was right there with you. What a breath of fresh air after watching the Patriots and Cowboys roll through their respective conferences last season. Finally, the league looks like it should - any man's game.
As far as the division goes? The Bengals are now 0-6. The Ravens are 2-4. The Browns are 1-4, playing the Giants tonight. And we should be getting Willie Parker, Carey Davis, Casey Hampton, and Brett Keisel back just in time to face the aforementioned winless Cincy on Sunday. Trap game? Maybe. But all we can do is prepare as if it were a playoff game, and be ready for anything and everything the Bengals might throw at us.
For what it's worth, I'm not taking the desperate Bungles lightly. Supposedly Carson Palmer's going to be back, and I may be wrong, but it looked to me like the trio of TJ Douchemanzadeh, Chad [insert last name of the day here], and He The Law Hate Me (Chris Henry) were all finally starting to produce at the same time. If the guy throwing the ball around yesterday isn't Ryan Fitzpatrick, it's entirely possible they win that game. The Jets should consider themselves lucky they didn't get humbled by the Bengals!
That said, I don't care if Carson Palmer DOES come back. I'll enjoy dominating HIM just as much as I'd enjoy routinely destroying Ryan Fitzpatrick. Of course, there's always the possibility that the first play will be a 50 yard bomb to Chris Henry. But speculating like that isn't necessary at this point. And you know me, I like to keep things positive. At least when we're NOT talking about Tony Homo Romo.
Anyways, while we all had a good rest last week, I'm still going to ease things in here, this week. So I ask you - Preliminary thoughts on the Cincy game? Thoughts on this past weekend's games? And most importantly, who'll be monitoring the police scanner to see if Chris Henry makes it to Sunday's game a free man?
Oh wait, I almost forgot. Did anyone else see Tecmo's favorite band, The Jonas Brothers at the Arizona game? Tecmo was sweating so hard when he heard they'd be there. Yeah.
/Monday sucks
No, don't read it again. This headline is not funny. Actually, it sucks. Particularly for me, because in a lapse of judgment on Saturday morning, realizing both of my QBs were on a bye this week, I picked up this worthless piece of shit in Fantasy. Plus, I had to pick up another kicker, which burned my second and final drop/add for the week (coincidentally, Yahoo Fantasy blows goats).
So when it came Sunday and he decided he wasn't fit to play against the Browns "vaunted" Defense, he screwed more than just the Bengals. He screwed me. Thanks alot, Carson Palmer. I hated you before. Now I really hate you. May you develop a vicious strain of herpes that jeopardizes your future ability to breed. Alternatively, you may choose to die in a fire, and we're even. Your cooperation in this matter is much appreciated.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go kick someone on a bike in the face.
While I'm doing that, why don't you check out these links...
Uh oh, they let me guest blog again... [MVN Outsider]
I'd hate to tell you what I do at Hershey Park [Dug E. Fresh Rants]
I'd like a baptism by Heinz Ketchup! [Hockey, Football & Stiletto Shoes]
If Rashard Mendenhall is the keymaster, who is the gatekeeper? [On The Black Side]
Nice little diddy, but no [Ryan Parker Songs]
Also, be sure to pop by around 8 PM EST for the Tobiathan liveblogging experience. And if you've yet to witness the latest in the [Unnamed] Steelers Pregame Show, I strongly suggest you check it out. 10-4, kids - I'll see you on the interwebs.
Take your pick. All three are equally worthy. I thought putting them right next to each other was a nice touch. And hey, listen, the Bengals may suck a fat one. But at least they're optimistic...which is more than I can say for the Browns...see below.
Perhaps, like the Bengals, you too will find some hope in the following links...
Big Ben's Right-Hand-Watch 2008...Initial X-Rays look negative [KDKA]
If you're looking to increase your night terrors quotient... [PSAMP]
Nice to know the Steelers are in the Top Shelf Scotch division of CBS' team brand rankings...so we've got that going for us, which is nice [CBSSportsline]
Look, I hate Ray Lewis with the passion of 1,000 fires...But even I'll admit, this is awesome [Deuce of Davenport]
The Eagles may have won yesterday, but these chicks lose at life. Congratulations on officially being a sloppy mess [Hugging Harold Reynolds]
Pretty sure I can answer this one without batting an eye [Deadspin]
Yeah, flashback to sucking the old days, indeed.
Apparently the Bangles were jealous of the Ravens 5-11 record last season. Because they've clearly made the conscious decision to suck as much as possible this year. And thus far, they've succeeded with flying colors. I guess it's a good thing they have such a rich tradition of sucking to draw from. Wherefore art thou, Ki-Jana Carter?
Hey Marvin, any ideas on how the Bengals can turn things around?
Yeah, me neither.
Maybe these links will help...
Hustle and Flow, the Redux [PSAMP]
The Chin in Kansas City? You guys got an extra $10 mil lying around? [Arrowhead Addict]
I see Van Halen, I link to it [Sportsocracy]
If these chicks were there my freshman year, I never would have transferred out of State College [Busted Coverage]
Scott Linehan better start winning, or else (we'll send him back Bob Ligashesky) [Hugging Harold Reynolds]
Where were we? Ah yes, I remember. We had just suffered defeat at the hands of our Southern nemesis, the Jacksonville Jaguars Jagoffs. Big Ben was still hurting, but ready to play. And we were 3-2, going into Week 7 against none other than the hated Cincinnati Bungholes.
Miraculously, the BenGALs were actually winning at this point, boasting a 5-1 record and more hype than well, Carson Palmer. But that wouldn't last too long. On this day, the Steelers pulled out another close one, 27-23, reminding the Bengals who really runs the AFC North. Big Ben returned both prematurely and triumphantly, throwing 2 TDs even though he only managed to complete 9 passes for 93 yards. Luckily, the Bengals didn't have any better of a Defense then than they do now, and we ran the ball all over them. Willie Parker continued his roll, netting 131 yards and a TD, and The Bus contributed 56 yards of his own. And Hines Ward riverdanced. Yep, you heard me. Don't act like you don't remember.
Then it was on to the murder capital of the world Baltimore for a Monday night date with the dirty birds of the North and their fearless leader, that son-a'-bitch, Brian Billick. Despite their typically pesky defense, the Ravens were pretty much the doormat of the AFC North at that point and the Steelers contributed another loss to their already hefty supply, 21-20. But, I mean, Anthony Wright was their QB. So it wasn't really a fair fight. Of note, this was the fourth game that season in which Master Fly W. Large (or Tricktickler P. Worrel, as he was known back then) was held to under 100 yards.
After the Monday Night meeting with Bawlmore, it was on to Green Bay to do battle with the old battle axe himself, Peter King's boyfriend Brett Favre. Big Ben sat this one out (knee surgery), but Cowher obviously learned his lesson the first time and started Chuck Batch over Tommy [redacted] Maddox. Neither Batch nor anyone else on the offensive side of the ball did much to write home about, but the defense managed to nab Favre's requisite INT of the game and also produced two fumbles, culminating in a 20-10 Steelers win. This brought us to 6-2 heading into Week 10 against the Brownies.
I don't really see much point in waxing nostalgic about this one. We murdered the Browns, as usual. But this time it was a little more impressive because our QB duties were handled by the triumvirate of Chuck Batch, Tommy [redacted] Maddox and yes, even a little 'Twan. 34-21 was the final score and really the only thing worth noting was Randle El's 51 yarder to Hines Ward that put the Steelers ahead 24-7 in the 3rd quarter. Beyond that, just another day's work at Heinz Field.
Going into Week 11, we found ourselves evenly positioned with the Bengals atop the division, at 7-2. That would all begin to change against the god damned Ravens, though. Ben was still on the shelf. So it was the Tommy Maddox Turnover Special yet again. This time, that asshole threw one pick, and fumbled once. Yet, he still managed to throw for 230 yards, once again leading us into an overtime situation in which we would ultimately fall 16-13. Beaten by Kyle Boller. Curse you, Brian Billick! Quoth the Raven, nevermore.
But then, the real fun began. Oh yes, another Monday night matchup in Week 12, this time against the Indianapolis Peyton Mannings Colts. Much like last year when we played the Hatriots in December, I think most of us honestly believed we were going to walk into the RCA Dome, intercept Peyton Manning three or four times, maim Edgerrin James and walk out victorious. Such was not exactly the case. On the first play of the game, Manning connected with Marvin Harrison for 80 yards and a stunning 7-0 early lead. We never really gained composure, and ultimately looked like the Bengals a bunch of amateurs, losing 26-7. It was a bloodbath courtesy of Peyton Manning.
7-4, facing the stretch run while trailing the Bungles in the division race by a game (they were 8-3), we had Ben back and looked to be in a good position with five more games against such powerhouses as the Vikings, Browns and Lions (the other two were the Bangles and the Ditkas Bears). The chips seemed to be falling in our favor, but we were still licking our wounds from our previous two losses...
And that concludes Part II. Tomorrow, Part III. None too soon if you ask me. Reliving the past is tough, man. My fingers hurt.
Care to share any memories about these games? What would you give Hines for the riverdance? Is Tommy Maddox or is he not Satan incarnate? And did anyone count how many times I just said, "at this point?"
FURTHER REFERENCE:
Part I
"I've never gone to a place where fans go out of their way to make your life a living hell."So as I was making the rounds of this here world wide web this morning, I came across a topic struck me as particularly noteworthy -- My man Coolong over at Die Hard Steel found an interesting article in today's Cincinnati Enquirer (PS - pretty sure the word is "Inquirer" but I didn't name the thing...) about Steeler fans "reprehensible" behavior toward Bengals fans at Heinz Field.
- Bengals Fan #1
"Pittsburgh is home to nasty, horrible, classless fans."
- Bengals Fan #2
“If anybody comes across the middle, if they don’t duck, I’m going to make something happen.”Cue Metallica! Hey 8-5, remember 2-7? That's right, the man that messed your day up on October 28 is waiting for you again with baited breath. Watch your back, and stay away from the middle, 'cause the Sandman Cometh...
- Anthony "Sandman" Smith
