YES WE CAN!...run the ball...?

Alright, so as you know, I've basically just lost a whole week. Just sucked that shit right into a black void of death studying, law school did. So I figured that once I got a chance to finally play catch up yesterday, I'd have missed like, some really big stories...

But, no.

Is it just me, or did nothing happen this week?

I suppose that's a good thing. I mean, there's been the usual amount of media penile slurpage surrounding the next "hot" team of 2008, and it's #1 Defense. But other than that, what? The Steelers restructuring their ownership? Aaron Smith = AFC Defensive POTW? Keisel MAYBE playing on Sunday? Oh, well I guess there's also the whole spitgate thing with that insignificant Ravens Special Teamer. But I'm just saying, to me, those aren't exactly the most interesting headlines. Good, for the most part. But not so much things I feel I'd like to dedicate a post to. At least not today.

So what have I got for you this morning, then? I have absolutely no idea. I'm not gonna lie.

I could talk to you about Tennessee. And how if we stop Lendale White and Chris Johnson, it's going to be pretty tough for Kerry Collins to beat us with such notable pass catchers as Bo Scaife. And Alge Crumpler. And Justin Gage. And...Justin McCareins? I don't know, man. That just seems kind of "blah" at this point. We all know what needs to be done Sunday. So why dwell on it. Let's just do it. I'll drink some beers. Domski won't, as usual. And we'll hopefully come out with another BIG win.

The one thing I will say is - I'd really, really, really, really love our Offense to put together a good game on Sunday. I know that's asking a lot against a team with a stout defense like the Titans. But they'll be without their two top guys. So maybe it's doable. Really, I'd just like to see us run the God damned ball a little better. I can't say it enough, balance is key. Gotta keep 'em honest, ya know? If nothing else...like, maybe a 75 yard touchdown run...Master Fly W. Large, I'm looking at you! I mean, I know you've got a sandy crotch right now, and that you're sans fullback, which is further contributing to this prolonged vaginal irritation. But I have faith that you can have a standout game here, somewhere. Why not start with Sunday?

I don't know.

That's all I got.

Any other thoughts feel free to share.

By the way, do you think the Tennessean created "Whack A Steeler" so Albert Haynesworth and Kyle Vandenbosch won't feel left out on Sunday?

Oh yes, and I'd just like to put this out there, but...

You're God Damn Right!

The air was cold
The rain was falling
The defense was stout
And the offense, NOT stalling

There were some scares early on
My stomach was in tears
But that wasn't the game
So much as it was the beers

In the end we prevailed
We told those dudes what was up
And by the end of the game
No beer remained in my cup

I don't think there are enough words in the world to express how absolutely awesome it was to watch the Steelers DOMINATE the Patriots the way they did yesterday. 33-10, but it could easily have been 33-3 had it not been for Big Ben's unsightly interception on the 1st drive of the game.

After last season's debacle, which effectively marked our downward spiral, I can't tell you how encouraging it was/is to see the Steelers assert themselves on both sides of the ball. And hell, Bruce Arians even called a pretty good game! Someone better check to see if hell froze over and/or if cats and dogs are living together!

So let's do the usual Monday morning routine, and review this week's "Things That Were Awesome," "Things That Were Not Awesome," and "Things That Made Me Want To Punch Myself."

THINGS THAT WERE AWESOME
1. DOMINATING THE PATRIOTS and scoring 30 unanswered points in the process!
2. Master Fly W. Large - 16 rushes for 87 yards, at 80% health


3. Silverback - 2 sacks, 2 forced fumbles, 10 total tackles, 7 solo


4. The Law - 5 total tackles, 3 solo, 1 awesome INT

5. Patriots 3rd Down efficiency = 1/13
6. Reservoir's waffle fries with veggie chili and cheese
7. Seeing New England's stands emptying with 5 minutes left in the game
8. Santonio's punt return for 29 yards
9. Ryan Clark's hit on Wes Welker - penalty or not, this was awesome...

10. Ben only getting sacked once

THINGS THAT WERE NOT AWESOME
1. Jeff Reed missing a 40 yarder in the 4th
2. Binladichick. He will always occupy a spot here

3. 8 penalties for 88 yards
4. Randy Moss' hands - not awesome for New England, but totally awesome for us


5. Sansmokio's hands - touchdown catch notwithstanding


THINGS THAT MADE ME WANT TO PUNCH MYSELF
1. Carey Davis fumbling the opening kickoff
2. Big Ben's 1st Quarter pick
3. Tec and I walking a good mile to the bar in cold wind and rain
4. 3rd Quarter pass interference call on Face Me Ike
5. 4th Quarter unsportsmanlike conduct penalty on Face Me Ike

Sadly, the Ravens played the Bengals yesterday. So it was pretty much a foregone conclusion that they were going to advance themselves in the standings. They're now 8-4, while we're 9-3. Certainly not a comfortable division lead by any means, but I can't really be worried about that today. What happened yesterday, that was just too awesome!

So, what do you guys think? Statement game? Big win? Did you also enjoy watching Bill Belichick crying on the sidelines?


And just because, here are some other great shots...

Chad Johnson and Michael Flatley've got nothin' on Big Ben...


Aww, so sad...


Silverback, eh? He looks more like a Great White in this one...


There's blood in the water...


That's 65 collective years sacking your ass, Matt Cassel!

Jusssstttt Try And Relax...

Hey guys, guess what today is? That's right! Injury report day!

From time to time I like to masochisticly celebrate this much anticipated day of the week...and today's one of those times.

So, while it won't be fun, and it may not be entertaining, I'm going to attempt to handicap the odds of five particular Steelers taking the field for Sunday's Hatriot hunt.

KEISEL THE DIESEL

10 to 1. In fact, 2 to 1 he doesn't play for a month. Seriously? Man, that sucks! What are you smiling about, dude? Go get your shit a massage or something, for Christ's sake!

MASTER FLY W. LARGE

3 to 1. Unless he has some freak lawn darts accident tomorrow, all signs point to him playing. My sources tell me his vagina's healing real nicely.

SANSMOKIO THE BEAR

Without Weed - 1 to 1
With Weed - 6 to 1
The only way 'Tone doesn't play in this one is if he forgets he has a game on Sunday afternoon. In that case, we'll probably find him at Taco Bell.

BRYANT MCSICKGOATEE

I'm gonna go 5 to 1, here. If he harnesses the power of that chiseled-ass goat, we're good. If not, we'll have to see. Man, I wish I could grow facial hair. Maybe when I'm 30.

And last but certainly not least...

STEELY MCBEAM

1 to 1. God would never allow me the satisfaction...after all, I'm in law school.

So, how do you guys feel about all of this? Which of these injuries is potentially the worst (besides my bruised brain)? And has anyone had a nightmare involving that Steely McDevil photoshop yet?

...'cause that'd be awesome...

Where Have All The Big Runs Gone?

"That's the drive that really like -- just keep calling run plays, keep calling run plays...The defense knows we're about to run and they just can't stop it. That's Steeler football to me."

- Willie Parker

Alright, listen. I love Steeler football. I love running the ball. I love controlling the clock. I love ice cream sandwiches. But my question is, will we see any more of Willie's traditionally ridiculous runs with the Fullback position virtually non-existent in Arians' Offense? Willie's still fast. No denying that. But he himself has acknowledged that he prefers running behind a Fullback.

It just makes sense, to me, at least. He's not Jerome Bettis, and the blocks a Fullback would lay out in front of him would create more holes or bigger holes for him to use his quickness and burst through for big gains. Now, I don't have any numbers to support this, much to the chagrin of some of you, no doubt. But it seems logical enough to me.

Willie Parker isn't going to run anyone over, at least not consistently. Nor do I want him to, really. Just look at what's happened between last season and this season - we de-emphasized the Fullback position and Willie broke his leg in Week 15 last season and had already injured his knee by Week 4 this season (not to mention also injuring his shoulder in Week 9). Maybe there's a correlation, maybe there isn't...

I would just rather see him have games like the one he had against New Orleans in 2006 (which Domski and I attended) or the one he had against Cleveland that same year. Of course, I recognize that those could easily have been once (twice?) in a lifetime games, but I have to think that if we had a guy in there paving the way for him (in addition to Kemoeatu), he'd be breaking a lot more big runs - I'm talking about the home runs, the 20+ yarders. This season, his longest run was 32 yards. Last season, it was also 32. In 2006, it was 76. And in 2005, it was 80. I'm just sayin'...

Either way, I doubt Arians has any firm plans to change what he's doing with this Offense anytime soon...and maybe he shouldn't? I don't know. I'm just throwing the thought out there. I'm not saying I want the Steelers to be handing the ball off on every play. But if you've got Willie Parker running like the established home run (pun intended) threat we know that he can be, everything else should follow, including some of Arians' favs (hell, the reverse might even work...uh, well maybe not, but).

Of course, the flipside to all of this is - Steeler football isn't necessarily big runs. It's running the ball effectively enough to control the game. And that Willie has done pretty well under Arians (when he's not hurt, that is). But come on, who doesn't want to see Willie busting another 75 yarder for a score? I know I do.

Am I crazy or does this make some sense?

See, I told y'all I'd make it up to you this afternoon.

AFC North Headline Of The Day...

Today, I've got a couple. First, the headline above. Yep, I pretty much can't say that this analysis is that far offbase. I mean, not taking them lightly aside, just look at the franchise's body of work over the last 20 years. Makes you wonder why it was the BROWNS that moved to Bawlmore and became the Ravens. Hey, I've got an idea. HIRE A [redacted] GM!

Next, there's this...

Ok, as much as I said I wouldn't mind Carson Palmer playing Sunday, I have to admit, that headline looks pretty good. Unlike Ryan Fitzpatrick, who is...well, see here. That's as much as I'll say about that. Any little advantage helps.

One thing I will say, though, is - Did I hear someone on ESPN talking about the possibility of Tommy John surgery? Alright guys, let's just step back for a moment. As far as I can tell, a "sore" passing elbow does not equal Tommy John surgery. Let's not forget that nine days ago he threw for 217 yards and 2 TDs against the Cowboys. Doesn't sound like it's that bad, if you ask me.

But hey, what do I know? I'm just a blogger, not a Doctor. In fact, I don't even understand science. I'm the biggest science idiot I know. You know what I know about science? The chemical composition of water is H2O...and I probably only remember that because H2O is the name of a punk band I used to listen to...yep, not smart.

Maybe these links will help me understand a little better...

Master Fly W Large Returns [Post-Gazette]

How had I never heard of the Browns #2 fan? [Deadspin]

Make a trade with Dave and help him parlay a Terrible Towel into season tickets [SteelersTrade.com]

This is worth a look solely for Tec's reference to Etonic track suits [PSAMP]

Eli vs. Peyton - This is where MJD stands...where I stand is, "Screw you, Eli! I thought you were a sure thing against the Browns so I sat your underproducing brother in fantasy, only to watch you match his TD total with INTs. You're a real dick." [MJD]

Romo out for a month...but don't worry, he'll be back for December 7 [ESPN]

ADDENDUM: State of the Steelers Injury Situation, Per Mike Tomlin...
Keisel - Back
Carey Davis - Out
Dallas Baker - Out
Big Snack - A little groin problem (Questionable)
Fast William - Questionable
Jeff Reed - Questionable
Marvel Smith - Questionable

Ladies and Gents, I Give You, Willie Parker...

Well I believe I said something like 28-10. But Tec bested that with 35-14. And Doug trumped all, predicting the exact score of 38-17. Wow. How?...I mean...alright then.

Who could have asked for a better start to the season? A convincing 38-17 win. Tom Brady out, possibly for the season. Week 2 against the so-called "formidable" Browns (who lost yesterday, by the way). I'm tied for tops in the pick 'em pool. Texas Arizona has approximately 40 or 50 of my hard earned dollars. I think it's safe to say at no turn did the universe let me down yesterday (though I am getting my ass handed to me by Mondesi's House in the Steelers Thunderdome league...Maurice Jones-Drew, Chris Cooley and Laveraneus Coles, I'm lookin' at you).

As for the individuals who made this happen, I'd like to thank...

1. Master Fly W. Large
AKA the fast one, Willie Parker. On Friday, I mentioned that I was hoping to see a big game from Willie. Well he must have gotten that message, because he lit the Texans "vaunted" defense up for 138 yards on 25 carries, with THREE touchdowns, one more than he had all of last season. Broken leg? What broken leg. Willie looks ready to roll on any and all takers. Next up, Cleveland Brownies and defensive savior, Shaun Rogers. How do I think Willie will do? Let's see, ummm, how about 176 yards on 23 carries. Sound fair?

2. LaMarr Woodley
This man needs a badass nickname. And fast. Woodley was the yin to Silverback's yang, providing an equally imposing presence on the other side of the linebacking corps. A sack and a BIG time interception. What else do you want me to say? He was awesome.

3. Silverback
The only reason I put Woodley above him on the list is because Woodley's a kid. But that doesn't take anything away from Silverback's THREE sacks and nine total tackles, including seven solo. Once again, he played out of his mind. I guess they must have told him before the game that Matt Schaub doesn't believe in baptizing children.

4. Big Ben
Come on, how could I leave Bennie out? Here's what I liked - he did what he had to do. All of the throws he did make, looked like they were well planned and well placed. 13/14, 138 yards, 2 TDs. A 147 passer rating. Take that Carson Palmer, Drew Brees and Tony Romo (ahem, Peter King)! By the way, Homo Romo racked up 320 yards against the Browns secondary yesterday. Imagine what Big Ben's gonna do next Sunday...I know I will be...

5. Hines Ward
Ok, I freely admit that one of the topics we pondered for the pregame show was - Is Hines Ward getting too old? I wasn't saying yes or no either way. But thankfully we didn't even bother discussing it. Because if we did, I would've had to post a retraction today. 6 catches, 76 yards, 2 TDs and a number of key blocks and immeasurable plays we don't even need to mention here. Hines Ward is still a force. Better wake up, Cleveland. Hines is coming for you!

Now this all said, I was really hoping we'd get the ball to Santonio more. But listen, I'm not gonna get pissed about that when we won 38-17. I mean, the less we use him now, the more we can use him later, right?

Anyways, I did also like getting Heath Miller into the mix. And Troy looked like the Troy of old, flying all over the field, even nabbing an INT. Let's hope he continues that for the rest of the season. Because we now look poised to do a lot better than anyone thought. I'd love for everyone who questioned the Steelers potential success based on our assholish schedule to eat their words. But I say that aspirationally, 'cause, you know, it's ummm, Week 2.

Bring on the Browns!!! I can't [redacted] wait!

What'd you guys think? Were you going out of your minds during that whole game? Who impressed you the most? And how do you feel about next Sunday against the Brown stains?

Also, I'd like to thank Tobiathan again for doing an awesome job liveblogging the game in the comments yesterday. I don't know how he does it. Liveblogging is about as easy as deciphering a Rubik's Cube. But Steelbiathan has it down to a science. Excellent work man! I gotta get you a liveblogging plug-in so we can get you liveblogging on an actual post.

Ah football, how I love thee. Happy Friggin' Monday!