[Unnamed] Steelers Show - Week 4

All I'm going to say is that if the first 33 seconds don't make you piss yourself, you are not human...or you know, you be the judge.

Enjoy!

And, of course, the obligatory and illustrious outtake reel...


[Unnamed] Steelers Pregame Show - Week 4 [PSAMP]

OFTOT Week In Review...

Look, my parents don't like me cursing. In fact, I think I already hear my mom dialing as we speak. When I was little, they used to scold me for uttering such angry words. Of course, who cared about scolding. I just learned how to fucking say shit, you motherfucking asshole. They were not pleased. Their friends used to call me "the poster child for birth control." I was an annoying kid.

But here's the thing - where do you think I learned all that? It wasn't my kindergarten teacher, you know. I learned it by watching you! Er, them. You knew what I meant, quit looking at me like that. Nevertheless, my parents maintain that they never so much as thought about swearing in front of me. This, of course, makes them liars AND swearers.

Sure, they're all peaches and cream when you're hanging out in the living room, building a fort out of pillows, around a large circular wickerbasket in which you plan on putting your little sister and making Kelley Stew. But get them behind an 80 year old on a back road with a double yellow and that shit starts to spew out like liquid hot magma. And if you don't believe me, ask my sister...who has already stopped speaking to me.

No, seriously, my parents curse now about as often as Sarah Palin lets her hair down. And I really do try and refrain as much as possible on OFTOT. But I thought that'd make an emotional scar go away a fun story to share.

Anyways, we had some fun this week. Talked civilly. I think we really bonded in a positive and encouraging way. Oh wait, that's right. We ranted. Now I remember. Just in case you jagoffs forgot, here's the recap...

1. We cried a little about last Sunday

2. We paraded around some potential new hairstyles for me.

3. We waxed satirical about something that isn't really funny.

4. We got some shitty news.

5. We set off a firestorm with this little bugger.

6. Firestorm continued.

7. We saw Domski in a Joe Flacco jersey (was not drinking).

8. We met some cool new friends.

9. We talked about Monday's game some more.

And as always, be sure to check back here Sunday for the 4th Episode of The Artist Formerly Known As [Unnamed] Steelers Show. Since we've got a Monday night game this week, I haven't talked to Tobiathan about liveblogging this sucker. But chances are he will be.

Now if you'll all excuse me, I've gotta go answer this phone.

Cheers!

Quoth The Wood, Nevermore...

Alright, dudes et dudettes, we're three days away from our Monday Night Melee with the Bawlmore Ratbirds. And as is to be expected, I've been anxious since at least Wednesday. Over the last few years we've had some good battles with the dirty birds, and I expect nothing less from this one.

The Ravens are going to come correct (I don't really know what this means, I'm just using it because I hear it's some hot new slang), rushing Ben from all angles. So it could easily be a long evening for us Steelers fans. Nevertheless, anytime Silverback and Hines Ward are involved, we'll likely be hitting them just as hard as they hit us.

Anyways, in anticipation of Monday, here are a few things I'll be watching...

#1 - Wreckingball
Yes, I'm leading with the obvious one. So sue me. But obvious or not, this is what I think many of us have been waiting for. We'll finally get a real chance to see what our first round "steal" can do. I fully expect him to run his ass off, but I'd be lying to you if I said I think he's going to eclipse the century mark. If he does, great, and I'll gladly sing his praises soulfully. If he does not, well, he's fired. No, just kidding. Moving on...

#2 - Big Ben's Arm
Accordingly, if the Ravens manage to contain the Wreckingball force, it'll be up to Big Ben. Which actually, worries me slightly, only because he's clearly banged up and I just don't know if he'll have his normal cannon equipped (wow, that sounded very WOW). But really, I think I'll be watching the following group of massive human beings more...

#3 - [Connect The Dots]
The Offensive line. Drawing the ire of Steelers fans from Pittsburgh to Hong Kong this week, the maligned group of hefty gentleman will have a tall order in the face of Baltimore's blitz. Need I remind you of this hit from two years ago? Yeah. Wear your big boy pants, Willie Colon. I don't wanna see The Mad Backer anywhere near Big Ben if you can help it. Impress me, dick face.

And that about wraps it up. Nothing mind blowing, I'm sure. But who am I to waste your time writing shit you could read about in 25 other places?

So, what do we think?

Oh, and if you're looking for another reason to hate Baltimore (who isn't?), here's one - Michael Phelps. I'm over this guy. Can we just move on? 8 gold medals or whatever. Great. That's just friggin' great. I still don't understand how this makes him attractive to the ladies...of course, I clearly don't understand how anything makes one attractive to the ladies, or I'd probably have a girlfriend. Oh, well. Maybe if I spent less time blogging...

Lastly, as per Friday custom, check out TSW's Friday Football Foodie. This week, she's got Hot Pizza Dip for you, which actually looks amazing. I will fully be attempting domestication for this one. Bryan is a lucky man.

Let the discussion commence.

AFC North Headline of the Day...

What? You mean the Ravens are going to go after Big Ben? Get right out of town! That's such an outlandish and uncharacteristic strategy for them. Wait a tick...

Uh, yeah. If this is news to you, raise your hand. No one? Good. Because it's not news. Not only did we get murdered by the blitz last Sunday, but I'm pretty sure everytime we play Baltimore they want to attack Big Ben. Um, that's what you do to a team that likes to run the ball first and pass second (although one could argue we're moving away from this strategy). Come on, guys. You got nothing better?

Oh, and don't even get me started on this one...

Seriously, don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining. Of course there's animosity, we're division rivals! Not to mention the fact that Hines Ward has absolutely destroyed the Ravens the last few times we've played them. Your jedi mind tricks do not work on me, Trib. Nice try though.

And because me feeble brain cannot comprehend science, I specifically put this one in so someone (random asshole) can explain to me how Donte Stallworth is like oxidized metal. I can't remember 11th grade Chemistry, but does oxidized mean "overpaid free agent acquisition that has yet to play a down?"


One way or another, maybe these links will shed some light...

Because, "Oh yeah? Well at least I've never been accused of murder," just doesn't carry the weight that it used to [Hockey, Football & Stiletto Shoes]

The Steelers, like Transformers, there's more than meets the eye [PSAMP]

Sean chronicles all the outlandish searches that lead people to his blog...my personal fav, "random hamburger in Verizon commercial" [Sean's Ramblings]

Only in Pennsylvania...and possibly West Virginia [Hugging Harold Reynolds]

Not much to say indeed [Joey Porter's Pit Bulls]

Purple Makes Domski Look Fat...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Patience Is A Virtue, So They Say...

"First of all, that was a team effort Sunday - an equal opportunity disaster on offense. Second, it's way too early to render a verdict on the line. Consider that left guard Chris Kemoeatu was making just his second road start, against a very good defense.

Could we give him, oh, another quarter or two before we write him off?

Lastly, while it's true the Steelers haven't drafted an offensive lineman in the first two rounds since 2002, taking linemen high in the draft hardly is a prerequisite to winning Super Bowls."

Agree or disagree?

What say you?

AFC North Headline of the Day...

...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, I just had to get that out.

Oh, so you can play better, can you? Well, I'll let you in on a little secret, Derek. It doesn't matter if you CAN. It only matters if you DO. So I suggest less talk, more production.

But as a Steelers fan, I'm totally cool with you sucking. In fact, I urge you to suck even more. Not only because I want to destroy Brady Quinn on December 28. But also because I remember how every Browns fan came out of the woodwork last year to cry about how you were only an alternate for the pro bowl and how you should've been a REAL pro bowler.

Guess what jagoffs, one season does not a career make? Even Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl. And so did Brad Johnson. Nice try, but maybe you should've given it a little time before you proclaimed his greatness. Like a few games into the 2008 season...

Either way, I proclaim the greatness of these links...

The Ravens recognize the gravity of Monday's game [Baltimore Sun]

Another Troy INT on Monday. Write that down [PSAMP]

I hate the Bengals, but I LOVE the Ben-Gals [on 205th]

Wait, you mean Plaxico Burress is a diva? Who knew? [ESPN]

47 Best Athlete Names Ever. Nice to see Louis Lipps made the cut [InGameNow]

Wherefore art Thou, Russ Grimm...

DISCLAIMER: In no way is the following post meant to discredit the work of any current Steelers Coach. Except Larry Zierling. And possibly Bob Ligashesky in some way, but I haven't quite put my finger on it yet. Anyway, you know what I mean.

Dear Russ Grimm,
This Offensive line was awful on Sunday. They couldn't block. They couldn't get any push. Hell, they couldn't even stay still until the ball was snapped. I think what I'm trying to say is - we miss you, Russ.

When you were here, we didn't have nearly this big of a problem protecting Big Ben. And we know that wasn't just Alan Faneca (two words: Jeff. Hartings.) These guys, now, all they get is coddled. Yet, they continually suck and put the health of our $100 million man in jeopardy.

And Larry Zierling sucks. The best thing he's done so far was send a naughty email to the whole league. I don't even know who he is, man. You never hear about him, you never hear from him. You never even see him. I'm starting to think he's just some mythical whipping boy Tomlin and Arians made up. Either way, he clearly doesn't have the ability to ride herd like you do.

One of my favorite parts of the Super Bowl XL DVD was when you were yelling at those assholes, saying...

"We screwed up like three in a row. You screwed up the 39. We screwed up the dual read. Let's go! We gotta go! It ain't nothin' they're doin', it's us. Come on. Let's get it done."

I mean, these guys don't need to be baby'd. They're professionals. And as far as I know, professionals don't get praised for being worthless.

We miss your wisdom. We miss your tutelage. We miss your thick Pittsburgher accent. And your excellent mustache. Come back to us, Russ. We sure could use you.

xoxoxoxo,

- Cotter

...I'm almost too afraid to ask...comments?

This Ain't Good At All...

Ruh - roh, I just caught wind of something fierce (and no, it's not John Clayton's ass)...

Ready for this?

Both WILLIE PARKER AND CASEY HAMPTON ARE GOING TO MISS MONDAY'S GAME AGAINST THE RAVENS!!!

Guess we have no choice but to run Wreckingball now. Oh, and the defensive configuration ought to be interesting as well.

That's it, I'm officially an Eagles fan.

Let's discuss.

AFC North Headline of the Day...

Take your pick. All three are equally worthy. I thought putting them right next to each other was a nice touch. And hey, listen, the Bengals may suck a fat one. But at least they're optimistic...which is more than I can say for the Browns...see below.




Perhaps, like the Bengals, you too will find some hope in the following links...

Big Ben's Right-Hand-Watch 2008...Initial X-Rays look negative [KDKA]

If you're looking to increase your night terrors quotient... [PSAMP]

Nice to know the Steelers are in the Top Shelf Scotch division of CBS' team brand rankings...so we've got that going for us, which is nice [CBSSportsline]

Look, I hate Ray Lewis with the passion of 1,000 fires...But even I'll admit, this is awesome [Deuce of Davenport]

The Eagles may have won yesterday, but these chicks lose at life. Congratulations on officially being a sloppy mess [Hugging Harold Reynolds]

Pretty sure I can answer this one without batting an eye [Deadspin]

The Doctor Will See You Now...

Ok, so we lost on Sunday. I, for one, am still pissed off about it. But I refuse to let it ruin my week. Instead, I'd like to do what I always do and try to be funny so I can successfully mask the black shitstorm of death within...I mean, hey guys, what's up? Didn't see you there.

Well anyway, I really did want to get humorous today. So I reached deep down into my creative subconscious and pulled out this little nugget right here. It's Tuesday, so Tomlin should have his presser later on this afternoon, at which he'll announce the injuries to watch this week. With that in mind I thought I'd preempt him and give you all the injury report right now.

So let's not do this dance where I write a whole bunch of words that I don't need to write en route to introducing the main feature that you probably won't read. Just consider this your transition. Or should you so desire...choose your own adventure [and insert witty segue from randomness to more randomness here].

Yeah, so, uh, here it is...

1. Big Ben - Bruised confidence in the offensive line
2. Chris Hoke - Severe case of looking like Vader
3. Chris Kemoeatu - Extremely itchy face
4. Willie Colon - Unknown (believed to be worthlessness)
5. Jeff Reed - Being awesome...and probably herpes
6. Byron Leftwich - I think he's just over eager, really
7. Donavan McNabb - Feelings are permanently hurt (yeah, I know)
8. Limas Sweed - Sports hernia (might actually be true?)
9. Bruce Arians - Head up ass disease
10. LaMarr Woodley - Wait, how'd he get in here? Erroneous.
11. Deshea Townsend - Needs to grow three inches
12. Hines Ward - So bitchy, I love it.
13. Larry Zierling - This blog no longer recognizes his existence
14. Anthony Smith - FAIL!
15. Cotter - Man, this damn blog never has enough dinosaurs

But alas, that's all I got. Anyone else who tells you they're injured, they're lying to you, man. Especially Brett Keisel. That guy is completely unbelievable. Yeah dude, you're injured...and I'm the Easter Bunny.

What, no good?

Cotter Needs A Haircut, Bad...

Alright, so yesterday's game didn't go so well. Fine. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Either way, it doesn't change the fact that I need a haircut. But I'm tired of the same style I've got now (you know, the fauxhawk...don't even say it Domski, jagoff). So I'm looking for ideas from you all.

Here are some styles I've considered. Feel free to let me know what you think in the comments. And hey, I'd photoshop these do's on my head, but that just sounds like too much work. After all, it's Monday. And we lost yesterday. Come on, now.

Here we go...

Vanilla Ice Circa 1991

Lest ye forget, this includes the partially shaven eyebrow.

The Emo Cut

I'd have to start wearing black eye makeup and crying a lot. But that's totally doable.

The Full-On Mohawk (ala Travis Barker)

I've been going this way for a while now, it's just a matter of pulling the trigger. But I'm a pussy. So the chances of that happening are slim to none. It would be worth the looks on my law school comrades faces, though (bad enough already that I wear jeans and a t-shirt to class when everyone else is in suits).

The Bruce Willis Bic'd Goodness

This one has no shot in hell. I just threw it in to be "funny." I have all my hair, and in fact, more of it than any one man will ever need. So I'd like to keep it that way.

The Walter Sobchak Special - Military Crew Cut

Negative, Captain. High and tight ain't fitting of Cotter's off-color personality.

So in case it wasn't obvious, I'm in need of some direction.

Suggestions?

AFC North Headline of the Day...

This one's gonna read like a book. Here's the awful beginning, with the Associated Press already highlighting Cleveland's desparation. I'd say it's tough to be desperate when you're only two games (now three) into the season. But somehow, I just can't do that for the Browns. Sorry jagoffs, it's gonna be a long season for ya. Of course, after last night, I could easily say the same about the Steelers. What with the "Offensive" line n'at. But we'll wait on that one for a bit...

Then, there's this...

Uh, this seems to imply that at one point the wheels were on. Whatever. Whether that was the case or not, the Browns, like their bottom feeding, Ohio-dwelling brethren, fell to 0-3 and have now lost to half the division and it's only Week 4.

Which provides a great segue into the punctuating headline...

I'll tell you what's left to say - put Brady Quinn in. I think it might be time to officially begin Brady Quinn watch 2008. Anybody interested in starting a pool as to when he'll make his first start?

Anyways, while we're licking our wounds from last night, perhaps these links will help (minus obviously the last one)...

Monday Morning Chrysler New Yorker [PSAMP]

Sure looks like Juqua Parker knows how to choke a bitch Big Ben [Hockey, Football and Stiletto Shoes]

Yeah, what about that 4th down call [Joey Porter's Pit Bulls]

Hmmm, this certainly doesn't bode well [Post-Gazette]

Not like I want to relive it, but I gotta give this to Dawkins...sick play [The 700 Level]

What A Difference An Opponent Can Make...

Ok, anybody looking to buy the URL - www.PerhapsWeGaveTheSteelersOffensiveLineTooMuchCredit.com, forget it. Unless you'd like to fight me for it.

By the way, what you don't see in the picture above is that the Offensive Line is collectively handing Ben to the Eagles Defense on that silver platter.

Wow, NINE SACKS! Ben was sacked, NINE TIMES! I mean, say what you want about his lack of foresight to throw the damn ball away, it's pretty tough to do anything as a QB when Broderick Bunkley is in your face two seconds after you snap the ball.

Anyways, this is going to be brief, because I'm trying to put this one behind me. Bottom line - the Defense kept us in a game we had no business being in, and the Offense squandered just about every opportunity we had to capitalize on momentum swings.

You know who had a good game? Jeff Reed. Two tries, two strikes, one from 53 yards! Proof positive that beer, does in fact equal strength. Also, Troy Polamalu. Dude, a one armed interception, his third through three games. Man, thank god he's back. It's just unfortunate he can't teach Ike Taylor how to do the same. Oh, and what about Bryant McFadden? Sure, both he and Face Me Ike let the Eagles complete an assload of 2-3 yard passes. But hey, second game starting, second game with an INT. Plus, that goatee he's got growing there is looking chiseled. Goatee = power.

Beyond that, the story was failure at every turn. Honestly, the best looking drive may have been the last one in which Byron Leftwich (color me real surprised) led us. Was Ben more hurt than we thought? Maybe. But if he wasn't before, he definitely is now.

Here's a list of people who I will not be talking to this week...

1. Chris Kemoeatu - Hey, dude - how about you don't move before the snap?

2. Kendall Simmons - Don't think I didn't see you completely miss on that Gaither sack (least I think it was the Gaither sack).

3. Willie Colon - I didn't like you before. I don't like you now. And I honestly think we should try replacing you with Max Starks. What's the worst that could happen? Nine sacks? Oh wait, that just happened...

4. Willie Parker - Ok, not totally your fault. But seriously, bounce it to the outside?

5. Mike Tomlin - Where was Lawrence Timmons? Rashard Mendenhall? The Offensive playcalling? I mean, what?

6. "Special" Teams - Quintin Demps' stat line - 2 returns, 59 yards. Who the hell is Quintin Demps? Come on, Ligashesky. Sort it out, man. Jeff Reed should not have to make tackles on kick returns.

7. Ben - Ben, Ben, Ben. Let's talk. I know shit is rough right now. You're getting hit more than you'd like. And your shoulder's hurt. I get it, man. I feel you. But here's a tip - sometimes you just have to throw the ball away. Like, when you're in your own end zone and after three seconds you have nowhere to go and are being chased by three rabid Eagles pass rushers. That, my friend, is a good time to throw the ball away. And by throw it away, I do not mean intentionally ground it so they get two points. Just so we're clear. But like I said, not nearly as much your fault as some other people (see 1, 2 and 3). Also, here's a head's up, when you let the play clock run all the way down, the Defense knows when you're snapping the ball and can time themselves accordingly.

Besides that, was I the only one that had a flashback to last year's Jets game when the Eagles tried a flea flicker? Man, that could've been real embarrassing. Oh wait, that game actually was real embarrassing. Whatever. Next week we've got our currently most threatening AFC North rival. We've got six days to ready ourselves. Let's hope we use it wisely. And Ben, heal up real quick. We can't win any big games if we can't move the ball. Can't rely on the running game every time...sad, but true. And I'm not even going to mention how both Brian Westbrook and Donovan McNabb were out at one point during that game. Oops, guess I just did.

I just want to leave you with one final thought - remember last December's Jacksonville game? Remember how we were down by 15 points going into the 4th quarter and came back to almost win it? Where was that offense today? I thought when we added Rashard Mendenhall and Limas Sweed things would only get better.

Let's discuss...

PS - Is it wrong for me to say that I miss Russ Grimm?