What A Shitty Weekend For Ohio...

Man, at the risk of sounding like a humungous dick, it must've been a pretty shitty weekend to be an Ohioan. You know, what with THE Ohio State getting downright violated by USC, 35-3, the Bengals looking like the Bengals, and the Browns falling to our Steelers 10-6 because of poor clock management and turnovers.

Hey Derek Anderson, I got news for you - THAT is why Big Ben is a bona fide pro bowler, and you are an alternate. Throw another untimely pick, dude. I dare you.

Anyways, I'll have a full game recap for you at some point later this morning/afternoon. But I just wanted to briefly note that - a win is a win. Even though I wanted to destroy them like 56-0, I'll take 10-6 because it means 2-0, ammo in the event of a tie-breaker, and a reaffirmation that Big Ben OWNS Ohio.

Big Ben - 10
Ohio - 0

And just so you know, ESPN has officially launched it's campaign to fellate Ben as much as possible. So we've got that going for us...which is nice.


Any thoughts before I get too far into this?

PS - Did anybody know that the "Dawg Pound" is "vaunted?" Me either. Thank you, Associated Press. I just learned something new...

Speaking of Clowns...

"I know Coach [Romeo] Crennel. They won't blink because they're professionals. They're good at what they do so based on what happened to them, it will be a winning edge for them...They will come ready to play. We expect that on Sunday night."

- Mike Tomlin

Clowns, Frowns, Gowns, perhaps you've heard that these jokers are the fad pick to win the AFC North this season. Nay, the AFC as a whole. They're destined for a Super Bowl, or so you might think if you asked many pundits and/or Browns fans this preseason.

But we know better.

I've pussyfooted around this all week for no particular reason. But lest I not remind you - it's Browns week! We are but a mere 56 hours from another exciting matchup with the recently-lauded Browns and their "new look Defense," starring Shaun Rogers and Corey Williams. Not to mention their "high-powered" Offense, fueled by Derek Anderson, Braylon Edwards, Donte Stallworth, Kellen Winslow Jr., Jamal Lewis, and undoubtedly crystal meth. Yeah, "high-powered." Right....

Anyways, all kidding aside, this should be a great game. The Browns seem like, at least on paper, a more worthy adversary than they have been for the last, oh, 10 years or so. They are apparently still riding high off of last years success (read: a winning record) and feel poised to supplant our Steelers as the division's most formidable foe.

Throwing caution to the wind, they traded away a sizable chunk of their valuable draft picks, not to mention the second Cornerback on their depth chart to get pass rushers Shaun Rogers and Corey Williams. And they gave Donte Stallworth a rather hefty payday, hoping that he'd add a threat to the already fruitful passing game. So this "rivalry" has even more renewed interest than last year.

If you can't get psyched for this game, you're clearly not a Steelers fan.

Now, let's briefly discuss a few things to watch on Sunday, namely...

1. Shaun Rogers vs. Justin Hartwig
Much noise has been made about Shaun Rogers' arrival as savior of the Browns D line. Personally, I don't see it. I mean, you gave up a draft pick (3rd round I believe) and Leigh Bodden to get a guy who's had question marks basically since he stepped on NFL turf? But whatever. All I have to say is, the Cowboys rushed for 162 yards last week, each of their THREE running backs averaging at least 5 yards per carry. Some savior, huh? Do they think Willie Parker, Rashard Mendenhall and Mewelde Moore will be any easier? Dumb question, of course they do, they're Browns fans...irrationality knows no bounds in Cleveland.

2. Ike Taylor vs. Braylon Edwards
Donte Stallworth or no, Braylon Edwards is still the biggest weapon on the Browns Offense. The good news is, last week the Cowboys limited him to just 2 catches for 14 yards. The bad news is, that was last week. Certainly not enough reason for me to believe it will happen again this week. So Face Me Ike is gonna have to be on his Face Me Game. Is he up to the task? Well last week he did a pretty good job on Andre Johnson. So that's promising. But let's be honest, if the D line and Linebackers play like they did last week, we won't even need to worry about Stone Hands Ike.

3. The Steelers vs. Cleveland's Enthusiasm
Make no mistake, this is going to be a high energy game. The Browns haven't beaten the Steelers since 2003. And with all the hype surrounding their squad this year, Browns fans will likely be as unruly as ever. Plus, the Browns themselves recognize that we are the team they need to beat in order to be part of the conversation on league dominance. But we cannot let this unbridled enthusiasm get us so riled up that we start playing undisciplined. Keep focus. Sack Derek Anderson 10 times, put up approximately 102 points, and burn that stadium to the ground. Done.

So of course I'm going to be going out of my mind from the time I wake up until the 8 PM kickoff. And in my heart of homer hearts, I think they'll crush the Clowns. But at the same time, I recognize that this will not necessarily be a walk in the park. All I can say is, we had better beat them on Sunday or we'll never hear the god damned end of it. Am I wrong?

I ask you all - What/who will you be watching? Predictions on the score? And is Kellen Winslow as soft as Joey Porter always said he was? (see below)...


Oh, and for you weekend warriors, TSW has a tasty treat for you this weekend - Chicken Yakitori, Sparkling Sake, and Flat Earth Chips. So check it out and try something new.

Also, for the record, Steely McGnome has spoken and he has predicted a Steelers victory, 34-13. So we've got that going for us...which is nice.

And finally, keep your eyes peeled for Tecmo and Cotter's Pre-Game Show Extravaganza, which should be up sometime on Sunday morning...as well as Tobiathan's Liveblog Extravaganza - come and discuss the game as it's happening while OFTOT friend, Tobiathan liveblogs every drive.

A Little Perspective [Part III]...

Picking up where we left off - When we last heard from the Steelers, they were 7-4, a game back from the Bungles in the division and heading into crunch time. The remaining games were Cincy, Chi-town, the Arctic Circle Vikings, the Brownies, and Jerome Bettis' hometown Lions (quarterbacked at the time by Joey Harrington, field general).

So Ben hadn't exactly impressed in his triumphant Monday Night return against the Colts. But he fully made up for it against the Bengals the following Sunday, throwing for a disgusting 386 yards and 3 TDs. Problem was, he also threw 3 INTs. And the Special Teams allowed a 94 yard Tab Perry run back. And, despite Hines Ward's 9 catches for 135 yards (and one imitation of the Icky shuffle), he also fumbled. Just too many mistakes. So to the AFC North leader went the spoils, and Cincy edged us 38-31, taking a firm hold on the division at 9-3, while we fell to 7-4. Notably, Cincy's resident psychopath eccentric, Chad Johnson said after this game, "It used to be Pittsburgh's time. Now, it's Cincinnati time." He would, of course, eat those words approximately six weeks later.

And we pressed on, facing the Chicago Bears the following week in the snow at Heinz Field. After starting the season 1-3, the Bears were riding an unprecedented eight game win streak coming into the game. Kyle Orton was their leader, and Thomas Jones was their workhorse. But on this day, they weren't enough to overcome our Steelers and their thirst for a playoff berth. We carried the day 21-9, Jerome Bettis leading the way with 17 carries for 101 yards (his first 100 yard game of the season), 2 TDs and one spectacular moment in which he bulldozed the formidable, Brian Urlacher. It was indicative of what was to come for the Steelers. On the rise, but yet still trailing the Bengals by two games, with only three games left in the season, it would take all the team had to rally and finish the season well enough to advance to the post season.

The following week we traveled North to dance with the Vikings, who were also riding a winning streak similar to the Bears - six games. Unfortunately for them, they were also recently distracted by the now infamous boat/sex party extravanganza that resuled in the suspension of four Vikings, including starting QB, Daunte Culpepper. Not to mention, the Steelers were hungry, and frankly, the Vikings were an inferior team from the ancient Brad Johnson down to Michael Bennett and Marcus Robinson. The Defense robbed Johnson twice, and scored the final points of the game on a safety when Larry Foote tackled Michael Bennett in the end zone. Final score, 18-3. They only got 3 points. Yep. But the best game of the season was just on the horizon...

Moving on, the team jetted down to that Landfill next to Lake Erie for the ever-entertaining rivalry game against the Cleve Brownies. I don't really know what to say about this game that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan. The Browns looked bombed out and depleted. We asserted our will readily on both them, AND their fans. In fact, the highlight of the game came when Silverback bodyslammed a Browns who had so intelligently wandered his ass onto the field. The Offense lit the Browns up for 457 total yards and the Defense sacked Charlie Frye 8 times (he fumbled 4 times), contributing to the Steelers 41-0 victory. I, for one, fully expected the team to be brought up on charges following this one. Because we murdered them!

Miraculously, the Bengals lost to the Bills that weekend, dropping them to 11-4. The Steelers were at 10-5 and well in line for a wild card spot. So a win the following week was the only thing on their minds as they came home to battle the Lions and their anemic offense. But the story of the day wasn't the Lions Offense sucking so much as it was Willie Parker and the Bus steamrolling the Lions Defense. Bussy and FWP combined for 178 yards, with Willie netting 131 and Bus contributing 47, not to mention 3 TDs. And luckily so. Because Ben threw two picks and only managed to complete nine passes for 135 yards, and the Defense allowed Joey Harrington(!) to throw for 212 yards and 3 TDs. 34-20, Steelers. A win, and they were in (well, a win and a Bengals loss). Sure, they were the 6 seed and had a tall order on their hands. But they were in the playoffs, which was more than they could say even a week or two before.

And thus concludes our look back at the 2005-2006 regular season. As you may have noticed, we had a lot of ups, and at least an equal amount of downs. Big Ben had knee surgery, Willie Parker was hit or miss, the Defense looked great at times and not so great at other times, and of course, we lost both our final game against, and the division to, the friggin' Bengals! So you get the idea. A lot can happen in 17 weeks. The Steelers were Super Bowl favorites coming out of the gate, but became rather large underdogs, going into the playoffs as a six seed needing to win three games on the road just to make it to Detroit. Of course, they did. But media darlings or not, shit happens. Bottom line.

So here we are, three days wiser, with perspective from a Super Bowl season.

Now, who gives a shit? We play the Browns in three days! I, for one, am ready to play right now. Can't someone speed up the rotation of the earth's axis? Come on Tomlin, put in a call to Al Gore. I'm sure he's got that shit under control.

Thoughts? Reflections? Hate mail? My ears (and the comments) are now open...

Speak Softly and Carry Lamarr Woodley...

A couple of days ago, I mentioned Lamarr Woodley needed a nickname. Well, as it turns out, he's already got one - "The Wood."

But that doesn't mean we can't kick around some alternatives. And that's just what you guys did in the comments on Monday.

So here's a list of the suggestions put forth to date. Peruse them at your will and tell us all which ones strike your collective fancy the most, in the comments. Alternate suggestions are, of course, also welcome.

Here we go...

1. Big Wood
2. Woodchuck
3. Lamarr "Hoodlum" Woodley
4. LW (or "L-Dub")
5. The Woodshed
6. The Beastly Boy
7. Lamarr "God of War" Woodley

And I'd just like to add a little tagline I've been toying with for ol #56 (in addition to the title of this post, that is)...

"Over the Three Rivers and through "The Wood," and home with Derek Anderson's head on a stick we'll go."

Ok, that was just for the Browns. But hey, they're now on notice. Be afraid, Derek Anderson. Be very afraid.

What say you, Steelers nation?

A Little Perspective [Part II]...

Where were we? Ah yes, I remember. We had just suffered defeat at the hands of our Southern nemesis, the Jacksonville Jaguars Jagoffs. Big Ben was still hurting, but ready to play. And we were 3-2, going into Week 7 against none other than the hated Cincinnati Bungholes.

Miraculously, the BenGALs were actually winning at this point, boasting a 5-1 record and more hype than well, Carson Palmer. But that wouldn't last too long. On this day, the Steelers pulled out another close one, 27-23, reminding the Bengals who really runs the AFC North. Big Ben returned both prematurely and triumphantly, throwing 2 TDs even though he only managed to complete 9 passes for 93 yards. Luckily, the Bengals didn't have any better of a Defense then than they do now, and we ran the ball all over them. Willie Parker continued his roll, netting 131 yards and a TD, and The Bus contributed 56 yards of his own. And Hines Ward riverdanced. Yep, you heard me. Don't act like you don't remember.

Then it was on to the murder capital of the world Baltimore for a Monday night date with the dirty birds of the North and their fearless leader, that son-a'-bitch, Brian Billick. Despite their typically pesky defense, the Ravens were pretty much the doormat of the AFC North at that point and the Steelers contributed another loss to their already hefty supply, 21-20. But, I mean, Anthony Wright was their QB. So it wasn't really a fair fight. Of note, this was the fourth game that season in which Master Fly W. Large (or Tricktickler P. Worrel, as he was known back then) was held to under 100 yards.

After the Monday Night meeting with Bawlmore, it was on to Green Bay to do battle with the old battle axe himself, Peter King's boyfriend Brett Favre. Big Ben sat this one out (knee surgery), but Cowher obviously learned his lesson the first time and started Chuck Batch over Tommy [redacted] Maddox. Neither Batch nor anyone else on the offensive side of the ball did much to write home about, but the defense managed to nab Favre's requisite INT of the game and also produced two fumbles, culminating in a 20-10 Steelers win. This brought us to 6-2 heading into Week 10 against the Brownies.

I don't really see much point in waxing nostalgic about this one. We murdered the Browns, as usual. But this time it was a little more impressive because our QB duties were handled by the triumvirate of Chuck Batch, Tommy [redacted] Maddox and yes, even a little 'Twan. 34-21 was the final score and really the only thing worth noting was Randle El's 51 yarder to Hines Ward that put the Steelers ahead 24-7 in the 3rd quarter. Beyond that, just another day's work at Heinz Field.

Going into Week 11, we found ourselves evenly positioned with the Bengals atop the division, at 7-2. That would all begin to change against the god damned Ravens, though. Ben was still on the shelf. So it was the Tommy Maddox Turnover Special yet again. This time, that asshole threw one pick, and fumbled once. Yet, he still managed to throw for 230 yards, once again leading us into an overtime situation in which we would ultimately fall 16-13. Beaten by Kyle Boller. Curse you, Brian Billick! Quoth the Raven, nevermore.

But then, the real fun began. Oh yes, another Monday night matchup in Week 12, this time against the Indianapolis Peyton Mannings Colts. Much like last year when we played the Hatriots in December, I think most of us honestly believed we were going to walk into the RCA Dome, intercept Peyton Manning three or four times, maim Edgerrin James and walk out victorious. Such was not exactly the case. On the first play of the game, Manning connected with Marvin Harrison for 80 yards and a stunning 7-0 early lead. We never really gained composure, and ultimately looked like the Bengals a bunch of amateurs, losing 26-7. It was a bloodbath courtesy of Peyton Manning.

7-4, facing the stretch run while trailing the Bungles in the division race by a game (they were 8-3), we had Ben back and looked to be in a good position with five more games against such powerhouses as the Vikings, Browns and Lions (the other two were the Bangles and the Ditkas Bears). The chips seemed to be falling in our favor, but we were still licking our wounds from our previous two losses...

And that concludes Part II. Tomorrow, Part III. None too soon if you ask me. Reliving the past is tough, man. My fingers hurt.

Care to share any memories about these games? What would you give Hines for the riverdance? Is Tommy Maddox or is he not Satan incarnate? And did anyone count how many times I just said, "at this point?"

FURTHER REFERENCE:
Part I

A Little Perspective...

Ok, listen, I'm just as psyched as all of you about the prospect that we could run through our AFC competition as easily as Mike Tomlin could grow a sick afro. But as I mentioned in the comments yesterday, 'twas only Week One...for everyone.

Yes, Tom Brady is out for the season. Yes, Peyton Manning looked rusty and out of shape. Yes, the Jaguars are now without BOTH of their starting Guards. Yes, Vince Young is out for potentially a month (his feelings are hurt). And yes, the Chargers Defense didn't exactly impress. But one week does not a season make. We still have 15 weeks of hard fought games to play...and lest I dredge up sore memories - we did lose to Arizona and the Jets last season after opening the year 3-0.

That said, I'd like to talk about a sunnier memory today.

Remember the 2005-2006 season? The one in which the Steelers finally got that one for the thumb? Of course you do. But do you remember how we got there?

That's why I'd like to take you on a little trip over the next few days, through this most exciting of seasons. Today, we'll do Part I - Weeks 1 through 6. Tomorrow, Weeks 7 through 11 and on Thursday, Weeks 12 through 17. I'm not going to even mention the playoffs, because listen, we all remember how that went. If you don't, I suggest you surrender your Terrible Towel (if you even own one, Browns fan) and move to Canada.

Now, let's warp back in time to September 11, 2005...

The Steelers opened the season decisively, winning 34-7 against the Tennessee Titans and 27-7 against none other than our most recent kill, the Houston Texans. Willie Parker lit up both teams for 161 yards and 111 yards respectively. Big Ben threw two TDs in each contest. And the Defense registered 11 sacks along with 2 INTs and 3 fumble recoveries.

Then, we faced The Evil Empire. The team that had kept us from the Super Bowl the year before and had the only coach in the league that could rival Brian Billick for smuggest asshole (coincidentally they share more than just smugness...they share initials). We lost that game in heartbreaking fashion, 23-20 when Adam "I'm only good when Cotter doesn't pick me in fantasy" Vinatieri nailed a 43 yard field goal with just one second left on the clock. Which was awesome...[Editor's Correction: This used to say, "Luckily, this wouldn't be the last time we saw them that season." But as a commenter highlighted, I misspoke. Hence, correction. Done]

Week 4 we watched from our respective recliners/barstools as other teams around the league beat each other up. Jeff Reed got sloshed and won the mechanical bull riding competition at Saddle Ridge, and the ASPCA removed all Mini Horses from Joey Porter's premises. Actually, neither of those happened. I just made them up.

Anyways, Week 5 brought the San Diego Superchargers, complete with Ladanian Tomlinson and Drew Brees for a Monday night showdown. We barely scraped by, 24-22, on a Jeff Reed 40 yarder with six seconds remaining, but the win didn't come without a price. On the final play before the ultimate game winner, San Diego's Luis Castillo rolled up on Big Ben's knee, in a move that looked kind of like what Kemo Von Oelhoffen eventually did to Carson Palmer in the AFC Wild Card game. Our leader was helped off the field, limping.

Thus paving the way for the Tommy Maddox reign of terror.

Maddox, 2003's asshole (who thankfully screwed up that season royally enough for us to nab Big Ben in the '04 draft), then orchestrated a total dismantling of what seemed like a legitimately winnable game against the Jacksonville Jaguars Jagoffs. Maddox threw two picks on the first two Steelers drives, but we were somehow able to get the game into OT, notwithstanding the fact that we looked like complete dogshit (and by, "we," I mean Tommy Maddox). Once in OT, Maddox continued to play like he had money on the Jags, fumbling a snap on the first drive. Then, as an encore he gave us a fitting end to the game, throwing a pick six to Reshean Mathis (yes, THAT Reshean Mathis) on the first play of the next series. And we all crept home like we had just had sex with the most foul beast at Heinz Field (no, not Silky Johnson's sister). A 23-16 loss at the hands of the Jagoffs Tommy [redacted] Maddox, and like that, we were 3-2 with Big Ben still questionable.

Thus concludes the first part of my 2005 season rewind. To hear my recount of the next five games, against the Bengals, Ravens (X2), Packers, and Colts games, make sure you come back for Part II tomorrow.

For now, I ask you all - Do you remember these games? Do you remember how you felt about the season at that point? And of course, do you see where I'm going with all of this? Feel free NOT to point out how big of an asshole I am...or don't.

Breaking TEARing News: Brady's Season Officially Over...

And we didn't even get the glory of doing it.

Oh well, FoxSports.com says a Patriots press release has confirmed it - Tom Brady will miss the rest of the '08 season with the nastiest of the nasty injuries, Carson Palmer syndrome a torn ACL.

Well, it's something in his knee, anyway. As usual, the Hatriots/Belicheat are mum on what it may/may not be.

/rolls eyes

Somewhere right now, Tobiathan is weeping throwing a huge bash.

I suggest you go find him/it.

T-minus 15 minutes before Patriots "fans" somehow uncover this post and begin to spit venom in the comments...

AFC North Headline of the Day...

This headline needs no further explanation.

Of course, elsewhere it seems Browns sympathizers think this had more to do with the Cowboys being that good than the Browns being that bad. Yeah, because Tony Romo is probably the best QB out there who has never been known to shut down when faced with a secondary that actually doesn't suck...


Starting the season 0-1 with an 18 point loss to the Cowboys = CHAMPIONSHIP!