AFC North Headline Of The Day...

Question - What's the best thing you can do after signing a free agent contract worth $100 million?

Give up?

Answer - Almost kill someone while driving your Ferrari (with an expired registration) at excessively high speeds.

DUH!

It's really a good thing Albert Haynesworth gets paid to stomp on peoples faces and not to teach driver's ed. Although, that would've made driver's ed. a hell of a lot more interesting. Kind of like that scene from Encino Man where they let the caveman drive after he'd played like three hours of Rad Racer and he puts the shit up on two wheels. Great movie, by the way...


All kidding aside, though, this isn't really anything to laugh about. Some dude had to have his hip replaced and is in a wheelchair right now because of this. But for the sake of entertainment, try not to think about how tragic it is that the guy who ISN'T worth millions of dollars is the one who got the short end of the stick.

Anyways, maybe we should all be more like Albert Haynesworth. I mean, we're all in the shitter right now anyhow.

In fact, I've got an idea - Why don't we go cop Haynesworthless's Ferrari and go on a little joy ride of our own.

Right off a cliff.

We won't actually be in that fine piece of machinery at the time, of course. Just doing our part for the greater good of American motorists.

Hey, that's why he's got insurance, right?

Yeah, so at this point, I think I've completely lost control of this entire post. Eff it, it's Friday. I'm ok with that.

Speaking of misdemeanors, the value of these links is downright criminal...

Pens Bud commercial from '82 [PSaMP]

Another vote for Jarron Gilbert, DE - San Jose State [NFL.com]

Obviously they conveniently neglected to go to Cleveland [Associated Press]

Elsewhere in the AFC North - Dhani Jones is hosting a show on the Travel Channel [Associated Press]

Patrick Chewing? Please. [The Sports Hernia]

I see nothing wrong with a little library masturbation. Hey, when the mood strikes you...besides, it's no big secret that people engage in coitus regularly in the stacks [Rumors and Rants]

OFTOT Rule #569 - Anytime someone writes about Curling, I will link to it. [Deadspin]

Gunpowder Jones = the GOAT [You Lay On The Ice Like A Broad!]

Best FAIL ever [FAIL Blog]

This is why I give money to the ASPCA - 17 plants that can poison your pet [ASPCA]

Howard K. Stern furnished Anna Nicole with illegal drugs. If this shocks you, go stick your head back in the sand [The Superficial]

Top 8 mysteries of Pittsburgh. Conspicuously absent - Why Roland's Hot Lobster Roll is so heavenly... /salivating all over laptop [Steve Is Alive]

ESPN all up on the Tweets [Steady Burn]

Wow. What a photoshop! [Carbolic Smoke Ball]

Tiny's four act play about weird people [Cheese People]

Theme of today's Riffs = "Songs That Make You Smile." PS - Follow The Riffs on Twitter [Friday Morning Riffs]

REMINDER: Tonight, 10PM-2AM, Maticulous at Huckleberry Bar in Williamsburg, Brooklyn - 588 Grand St. at Lorimer. Come out and have a beer or 10 with us. It's gonna be like a party at Pacman's house...only they don't have a stripper pole...

I might bring mine, though. Just in case.

And in closing, I'd like to point out that there are two things in this picture that I want...

Take a wild guess which two I'm referring to...

Welcome to the weekend post coming up later on. Get that dirt off your shoulder. Nahmeen?

Obligatory Footer - If you haven't already, become a fan of OFTOT on Facebook, join the blog network and follow me on Twitter. Or don't. Your choice, really.

AFC North Headline Of The Day...

Wow, what can I say about this headline that this hasn't already been said about this mugshot...


And what can I say about this mugshot that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan? He looks bombed out and depleted. Someone get this man some Rohto-V for Christ's sake.

So what's up with Terry Glenn?

Here's the salient part...

"After determining Glenn was "intoxicated or disoriented," officers arrested him on a public intoxication charge, [Officer David] Tull said. A subsequent search turned up a small amount of marijuana, leading to a misdemeanor charge of possessing less than 2 ounces of the drug."

Hello, Taco Bell? Terry Glenn needs a Triple Steak Burrtio and a Mexican Pizza. Oh, and three soft tacos, an order of nachos, some churros if you've got 'em, and the biggest Cherry Coke you've got.

Atta boy, Terry Glenn. You show 'em that just because you're old doesn't mean you can't party.

Eek. That's pretty grim.

Terry Glenn may be looking rough around the edges, but these links are squeaky clean...

PSaMP gets a shout out on ESPN's Jim Rome Is Burning!! [PSaMP]

Epic gallery of Super Bowl images. The definitive collection, if you will (h/t Gigler) [Whatever Site This Is]

Vern abuses that Browns fan dude from yesterday like nobody's business. This was both hilarious and inevitable. He even found the dude's picture [You Lay On The Ice Like A Broad!]

Sean gets denied his best rate because he's had three cigars in five years. I wonder if Snoop Dogg has the same problem [Sean's Ramblings]

Master Fly W. Large is not familiar with this Bruce Springsteen fellow [HHR]

Eat 'n Park sets record Smiley sales!!! [Pittsburgh Business Times]

The Steelers signed someone from the CFL. RB/Return Specialist Stefan Logan? No idea [Vancouver Sun]

Next up this offseason - Free Agency...yay...ish [Post-Gazette]

March 28, Somerset High School - PA State Police vs. Steelers...this should be good [Daily American]

I wonder if the NFL will do the same for shirts with "One For The Other Thumb"...yeah, still all quiet on the Western front [HHR]

Former Eagle on current Eagle crime [Sports Radio Interviews]

The Patriots have franchised Matt Cassel....Yeah, Tom Brady's gonna be fine [ESPN]

Speaking of ESPN...this chart is worth it just for the ESPN reference [Carbolic Smoke Ball]

Chiefs pluck Todd Haley from Cardinals wings. See what I did there. Pro [Fox Sports]

Barry Bonds doesn't drink. He does steroids. Apparently, LOTS of steroids [Yahoo! Sports]

You can't bring your own beer to Preakness anymore? What reason do I have to go, then? I don't even like Nascar [Baltimore Sun]

Theme of today's riffs = "Freedom" [Friday Morning Riffs]

Hey, did Michael Phelps get caught smoking weed this week? I feel like I heard that somewhere...weird. Who. Gives. A. Crap?

Oh, and Silverback doesn't mess around...

Respect.

Speaking of Jokes...

What Do Steely McBeam and Vincent Jackson Have In Common?

They've both been arrested for DUIs.

Congratulations, V-Jacks. You sir, are the smartest man alive. With impeccable timing to boot!

Here's a tip - if you're gonna go ridin' dirtay, you should at least have the foresight to call Sansmokio.

I couldn't laugh any harder at this if I tried.

Thanks to Tec for the assist!

Sometimes No News Is Good News...

So here we are, Wednesday, April 2, 2008. Another day with little in the way of Steeler news, or really NFL news in general.

We're still three some odd weeks from the NFL draft, and the biggest news around the league seems to be that Jay Cutler is quite displeased with supreme idiot teammate Brandon Marshall. Exciting...really just captivating stuff.

Anyways, in an attempt to again to fill this void and end the dearth of uninteresting shit, I give you five things we're happy to not be talking about around Steeler nation:

1. Whether or not it is appropriate for your Franchise QB to be feeding beer bongs to impressionable young sluts women ~ To Dan Bickley at the Arizona Republic - beer bongs are always appropriate. Bonging beers with college girls when you're 24/25 is certainly comendable questionable. But bonging beers in general? Frankly I encourage this practice.

2. Whether or not you'll have to "move on" without your team's star shit talker WR ~ For the record, I think talent wise, Chad Johnson is an excellent receiver. But he's a pussy. Like Randy Moss and unlike Hines Ward, we've seen Chad run and hide at the first "rattling of his cage" (or perhaps grill is more appropriate). The sad part about all this is that the Bengals are missing the boat on prime trade time here. My guess is they'll either make nice with him before the draft or try and use him as trade bait on draft day (not that they need any more picks or anything...).

3. Whether or not Pac Man Jones will be part of your franchise's future ~ Where do I stand here? One crazy asshole is a party, two is a crowd. Obviously Jerry Jones believes that the successful assimilation of Terrell Owens is an indication that being a Dallas Cowboy can tame even the wildest of beasts. But if he thinks Pac Man is going to tone it down, he might be just a tad misguided. I just can't help but think that this guy has had more than enough chances. If I had my way, we'd just send him straight to Siberia...I mean Arizona.

4. Whether or not your 3rd WR needs a nanny and/or chaperon at all times ~ I'd just like to point out that maybe regional law enforcement has it out for Chris Henry. There's no way one man can be cited, arrested, ticketed, and god knows what else (unfortunately, no tasering yet) for this many violations of the law. His ability to land himself in hot water is just impressive frankly. PS - I say this because he was cited last week for driving with expired license plates. That's $149 down the drain. Guess he better ask for that raise.

5. Whether or not that embarrassing little spygate scandal is indeed behind us ~ I mean listen, if Matt Walsh really had anything worth seeing, we probably would have seen it by now. Oh, he's negotiating for immunity. Immunity from what? If he's telling the truth, and has incriminating evidence against the DICKtator Bill Belichick, what's he so worried about. Nobody is going to castrate you for telling the truth and producing evidence you supposedly have that will either corroborate or discount the allegations. I'm guessing he wants what we all want...more money. I'm over it. Obviously this means nothing to the NFL. So let's just forget it.

And that's all I got. Anyone else? Marc, I know you've got something in you. Let's have it!

Spend It Like You Stole It - Hines Ward...

Ladies and gentleman, this afternoon Hines Ward was reportedly ordered to repay a grand total of $48,438 to the bar he co-owns on the South Side, The Locker Room Bar & Grille. In a move that'd be sure to make Chris Henry proud - apparently Hines had used this "company" money to buy two rides for his boys.

First of all, I wanna know - What kind of whip was he buying for $24k a shot? A Hyundai? I mean, don't get me wrong, Domski drives one. These cars offer a comfortable and luxurious driving experience at a sensible price, but he's Hines Ward. Where my Bentley's at? Where the Caddy with the D's? Why am I trying to talk like this when I'm clearly out of my element?

Which leads me to my next question - What the hell does Hines Ward need with $48k from a bar he co-owns anyhow? How much (or little) are the Steelers paying him? Can't afford a couple of Toyota Camrys on that salary there, Hines? Gotta dip into the company funds?

Way to go jagoff...

Judge Settles Ward's Suit [Associated Press]

Hey, At Least He Had Pants On...

Just to pour a little salt in the wound, guess how Brandon Marshall celebrated the Broncos win last night. Give up? Driving. Under. The Influence.

Excuse me, not necessarily driving under the influence, just allegedly driving under the influence. Because usually they arrest people at 2AM because they just think, you know, maybe they might have been drinking...or something. Real nice work there, Brandon. You know, if you were going to be out and about drunk at 2AM, you should have at least had some illegal fireworks...or a Mexican pizza from Taco Bell. That really would've made this interesting...

PS - not that I give two shits, because now that we've played them I'm gonna try and ignore them for the rest of the season, but this is not the first time Brandon "Quick Slant" Marshall has had a run in with the fuzz...he also dabbled in domestic violence 6 months back.

PPS - if you didn't get the title reference, read this.

WR Marshall Arrested, Released After Receiving Summons [ESPN]

Larry Foote: The Original Outlaw...

Because nothing says "badass" like unpaid traffic citations...

In a story that I am inexplicably required to blog about, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review has learned that Steelers linebacker Larry Foote was included on a list of individuals with unpaid summary violations (issued since the beginning of 2004).

Don't get too excited though. This wasn't by design. A Steelers rep has already responded, saying that Foote didn't realize he had unpaid citations because the court was sending tickets "to an address in Michigan" where he no longer resides, but that he would pay the tickets immediately.

Watch out Pittsburgh, Larry Foote will violate your traffic laws! And then not pay for it until at least two years later...B.A. (badass abbreviated)

Scofflaws List Creates Traffic Jam On City Web Site [Tribune-Review]

Heyo, Deuce Davenport At It Again!

This is the kind of story I just sit at my desk or at home waiting to read. One man's dream of what we call "blog material"...well, I'd at least give it 3 stars out of 4. So, according to KDKA.com, backup tailback Najeh Davenport had "a run in" with Cleveland police after a "domestic dispute" with the mother of his 5-year old son.

From what I gather, and I assume I'm getting these facts right, Najeh (or Deuce, whichever you prefer) roused said mother of his child when he arrived at her home to collect his son for a visit (which he claims a legal right to do). There was allegedly some sort of "altercation" in which I'm sure there was a lot of screaming, kicking, hair pulling and broken heels involved (mostly on the part of Najeh no doubt), the most significant event in the whole thing apparently coming when the woman pulled Najeh's son out of his car. God knows why that was significant...pretty vague in the details section...

Actually, come to think of it, it's not really a very interesting story. Najeh ought to learn, if he's going to have altercations with the law, for the sake of my blog, he should really make them more compelling. But whatever.

Anyways, no charges have yet been filed and Najeh claims "if the glove don't fit, you must acquit"...er...rather that he never laid a finger on this woman. I believe you dude, I believe you.

Just goes to show you. That's what you get for hanging out in Cleveland, man.

** UPDATE: KDKA.com now has audio from the 911 call...check it.

See also:
Najeh Davenport (S)hit and Run
HamperShitter.info

The Internet Continues to Amaze Me...

Boy, the creativity some people have is unbounded. Thank god people like this Ryan Parker character are putting said creativity to good use. Dude created the video below (I'd imagine back in December), taking the old Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer carol and changing the lyrics to reflect the Bengals copious troubles with the law.

Who Dey Gon' Arrest Next?

Via AOL FanHouse Blog

But more importantly, and maybe as a reward for sitting through that first video, check out Bengals cheerleader tryouts below...clearly these chicks are not eating the Cinnamon Chili...I like how the head honcho says

"Being a Ben-Gal is...we have a lot of standards that we set..."

Hope those standards aren't anything like the team's standards there honey...

Other things to look out for - the girl who is really worried about her lipstick and also wants a cheeseburger...as well as the girl who says "I think anyone would be honored to be a part of this organization"...

Starting The Day Off Right...

You guessed it, links links and more links, with a little wit and sarcasm sprinkled in. A lot of crap for me to point out (poke fun at) over the past couple days. I must admit I have been a bit distracted...having a job and a blog is tough man. But hey, I gotta feed the monkey...and we all know this inconspicuous corner of the internet that is One For The Other Thumb ain't exactly paying the bills...

Anyways, without further ado, enjoy the links below:

• Ron Mexico gets his hair did....hopes for new rules with new haircut...Petrino says "I think Mike's new do looks fierce!"...Are we seriously even talking about this? Who is getting paid to report on this crap? Oh wait...I'm reporting on it for free?...umm...nevermind


• Pretty sure there should never be any coverage of the "greats" of fantasy football...cause frankly guys (and by guys I mean those of you who think fantasy is the measure of your manhood...don't lie, I know you do) it's "fantasy"...by definition not real. No player's true greatness will ever be measured strictly by his fantasy numbers. That being said, I'm taking LaDanian Tomlinson with the first pick in the 2007 Domski Fantasy Football League Draft...


• Things that happen once a month for $1000...


• Cincinnati chili claims another victim...Stuff will make you crazy, mark my words...


• The football equivalent of penis envy...if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, what do you call obsession?...


• God I hope this turns into a pitcher's duel between Louis Lipps and Ken Wregget...


• Playing musical chairs with 300 pounders...Steelers are really building the suspense here...


• Are you telling me the Steelers are old school? No way...get right out of town! Seriously?...

Because I Think Too Much...

I was just thinking this morning, as I read the piece in my latest issue of Sports Illustrated on dog fighting, Michael Vick, and others involvement in this inhumane activity, that making light of this situation in my "fun links" post yesterday might have downplayed my regard for the issue.

So whether it matters to you or not, I am vehemently against any kind of animal cruelty. Especially this kind of bullshit where pieces of shit like Michael Vick (if he is indeed involved as all evidence seems to suggest) abuse innocent dogs for their own gain. I can't imagine what kind of person is able to suspend their moral judgment (or maybe they just don't have any to begin with...) to watch two otherwise-would-be-gentle animals rip each other apart. I won't even mention anything about the breeding process...but if you're curious and have a strong stomach, go ahead and pick up the latest SI and you can read all about it. [sidenote: anything Baltimore is heavily involved in can never be legit or good for anyone]

Bottom line - this will not stand man...this unchecked aggression will not stand.

Ron Mexico -- I hope they indict you, kick you out of football, take all your money and tie YOU out in a secluded pen, give you unnatural drug injections, beat you and throw you in a squared circle with another dude of approximately your size and weight who kicks the ever loving [expletive deleted] out of you, you worthless scumbag.

Thank you, that is all I have to say on the matter.

Oh and PS - enjoy this picture of my pup, whom I love and would never do anything to hurt. In fact if anyone ever tried to touch my dog I'd probably run them over with my car (because I'm too small to be any degree of physically punishing...)

DUI, Dog Fighting, Defenses on the Decline, oh my...

Could I have come up with a more poetic title??? Yeah, probably, but it's 4PM and my intellectual capacity is at about 48%, so that's the best I can give you.

Anyways, check out the links below for a good time.

• Prosecutors considering offer in McNair DUI case...offer = one autographed copy of Steve McNair's "How to Choke in The Playoffs 2006 Edition"


• Everybody's out to get Ron Mexico man...I just want to raise this question: how reliable are informants who are involved in fighting dogs? Seems like a pretty sleeze activity if you ask me, I wouldn't trust 'em further than I could throw 'em...I'd actually just indict Vick on account of the fact that he's obviously a scumbag.


• Hey Mark Cuban, remember the XFL? Don't do it dude, don't go down that road...PS - Isn't this what Arena Football is? And NFL Europe? And the CFL? I think we're all covered Mark but thanks anyways. Here's a tip - if you want to make an impact somewhere, buy the Pirates...


• Tampa Two on the decline...umm, guess no one told Mike Tomlin...?


• I'll never get tired of people calling stuff "bush league"...

Marvin Lewis, The Newest Member of NWA?

Lewis gave us his best NWA impression recently on ESPNRadio's "The Dan Patrick Show" (which is typically awesome by the way...) stating "I think there's profiling, no question." when asked if he thought events like Chris Henry getting pulled over for not signaling a right turn showed that the Cincinnati PD was "profiling." [To hear the interview, click here]

He then went on to temper this somewhat provocative statement by saying "We're [Cincinnati] a small place, our guys stand out, and they know that and you've got to do things the right way, but when you are arrested for, or you are pulled over for not putting on your turn signal, there's something wrong there."

Dude, I wish more people were pulled over for not using their turn signal. If I had a dime for everytime I was sitting behind someone who appeared to be slowing for a turn but could not pull their head out of their ass long enough to use said signal to indicate that I could go around them, I'd be a rich rich man. It's criminal (pun intended)!

And let's not forget the 16,000 other times Chris Henry was arrested in the last two years...

But alas, Lewis has apologized. Being the dignitary he is, he personally called the head of the Cincinnati PD to say he didn't mean to imply that they were a bunch of dicks or anything...he was just frustrated. Let's face it, his feelings are hurt...

I gotta say though, if Cincinnati's finest were really doing their jobs, the guy who suggested they put cinnamon in their chili would have been behind bars ages ago...but as of today, he remains at large. Get 'er done Cincy...get 'er done.

Najeh Davenport (S)Hit And Run...

Not sure how this nugget (pun intended) slipped through the cracks when the Steelers acquired Najeh Davenport last season (maybe it didn't and I just never heard), but apparently a while back (2002), Davenport snuck into a Barry University dorm room and shat in a woman's closet (see story here).

Boy do I wish we knew which woman's closet Najeh dropped his doozer in...

There's even an entire blog named after the incident. AND What's even better is that today they broke a story about a Cincinnati man and son tandem who discovered recently that their punching bag was filled with dirty laundry rather than the customary sand usually found in punching bags. Further reinforcing our theory that Ohio sucks and Cincinnati is a source for paranormal activity due to the fact that they put Cinnamon in their chili.

Either way, I never knew Najeh Davenport was a stealth bomber. Learn something new everyday, eh? Figures, since he's a product of "the U" (Miami aka Thug U). Class act that Najeh Davenport. My question is, where was Ray Lewis when Najeh got clipped?

Who Dey Gon' Arrest Next?

Guess it won't be Chris Henry after all...sad, but true. Henry, in fact, did not fail a drug test despite earlier reports.

Doesn't change the fact that he'll probably be back in jail by Labor Day...just you watch.

Any votes as to what the next charge will be? Fighting Michael Vick's dogs? (I mean like Chris Henry fighting Vick's dogs, not like Henry's dogs doing the fighting...)