March 13, 2009

AFC North Headline Of The Day...

Question - What's the best thing you can do after signing a free agent contract worth $100 million?

Give up?

Answer - Almost kill someone while driving your Ferrari (with an expired registration) at excessively high speeds.


It's really a good thing Albert Haynesworth gets paid to stomp on peoples faces and not to teach driver's ed. Although, that would've made driver's ed. a hell of a lot more interesting. Kind of like that scene from Encino Man where they let the caveman drive after he'd played like three hours of Rad Racer and he puts the shit up on two wheels. Great movie, by the way...

All kidding aside, though, this isn't really anything to laugh about. Some dude had to have his hip replaced and is in a wheelchair right now because of this. But for the sake of entertainment, try not to think about how tragic it is that the guy who ISN'T worth millions of dollars is the one who got the short end of the stick.

Anyways, maybe we should all be more like Albert Haynesworth. I mean, we're all in the shitter right now anyhow.

In fact, I've got an idea - Why don't we go cop Haynesworthless's Ferrari and go on a little joy ride of our own.

Right off a cliff.

We won't actually be in that fine piece of machinery at the time, of course. Just doing our part for the greater good of American motorists.

Hey, that's why he's got insurance, right?

Yeah, so at this point, I think I've completely lost control of this entire post. Eff it, it's Friday. I'm ok with that.

Speaking of misdemeanors, the value of these links is downright criminal...

Pens Bud commercial from '82 [PSaMP]

Another vote for Jarron Gilbert, DE - San Jose State []

Obviously they conveniently neglected to go to Cleveland [Associated Press]

Elsewhere in the AFC North - Dhani Jones is hosting a show on the Travel Channel [Associated Press]

Patrick Chewing? Please. [The Sports Hernia]

I see nothing wrong with a little library masturbation. Hey, when the mood strikes you...besides, it's no big secret that people engage in coitus regularly in the stacks [Rumors and Rants]

OFTOT Rule #569 - Anytime someone writes about Curling, I will link to it. [Deadspin]

Gunpowder Jones = the GOAT [You Lay On The Ice Like A Broad!]

Best FAIL ever [FAIL Blog]

This is why I give money to the ASPCA - 17 plants that can poison your pet [ASPCA]

Howard K. Stern furnished Anna Nicole with illegal drugs. If this shocks you, go stick your head back in the sand [The Superficial]

Top 8 mysteries of Pittsburgh. Conspicuously absent - Why Roland's Hot Lobster Roll is so heavenly... /salivating all over laptop [Steve Is Alive]

ESPN all up on the Tweets [Steady Burn]

Wow. What a photoshop! [Carbolic Smoke Ball]

Tiny's four act play about weird people [Cheese People]

Theme of today's Riffs = "Songs That Make You Smile." PS - Follow The Riffs on Twitter [Friday Morning Riffs]

REMINDER: Tonight, 10PM-2AM, Maticulous at Huckleberry Bar in Williamsburg, Brooklyn - 588 Grand St. at Lorimer. Come out and have a beer or 10 with us. It's gonna be like a party at Pacman's house...only they don't have a stripper pole...

I might bring mine, though. Just in case.

And in closing, I'd like to point out that there are two things in this picture that I want...

Take a wild guess which two I'm referring to...

Welcome to the weekend post coming up later on. Get that dirt off your shoulder. Nahmeen?

Obligatory Footer - If you haven't already, become a fan of OFTOT on Facebook, join the blog network and follow me on Twitter. Or don't. Your choice, really.


Grumpy said...

Uh, the jacket and the t-shirt?

tiny350Z said...

Uhh, the jacket and an eating disorder?

neena said...

It's moments like this that make me happy to be a Steelers fan living in DC. Cannot wait to run into the few Skins fans I know.

Also, Dan Snyder is an idiot.

Oh, and I think Cotter wants the jacket (I do too!) and the Olsen's shoes, because those are hot. That, or the L in Snoop's pocket.

Steve Braband said...

I also would like a steeler jacket and an alien......

matt said...

Rad Mobile!

...and you mean "scripper" pole right?

domski43 said...

that glam ring on olson's finger and the acne mark on snoop's forehead?