AFC North Headline Of The Day...

Question - What's the best thing you can do after signing a free agent contract worth $100 million?

Give up?

Answer - Almost kill someone while driving your Ferrari (with an expired registration) at excessively high speeds.

DUH!

It's really a good thing Albert Haynesworth gets paid to stomp on peoples faces and not to teach driver's ed. Although, that would've made driver's ed. a hell of a lot more interesting. Kind of like that scene from Encino Man where they let the caveman drive after he'd played like three hours of Rad Racer and he puts the shit up on two wheels. Great movie, by the way...


All kidding aside, though, this isn't really anything to laugh about. Some dude had to have his hip replaced and is in a wheelchair right now because of this. But for the sake of entertainment, try not to think about how tragic it is that the guy who ISN'T worth millions of dollars is the one who got the short end of the stick.

Anyways, maybe we should all be more like Albert Haynesworth. I mean, we're all in the shitter right now anyhow.

In fact, I've got an idea - Why don't we go cop Haynesworthless's Ferrari and go on a little joy ride of our own.

Right off a cliff.

We won't actually be in that fine piece of machinery at the time, of course. Just doing our part for the greater good of American motorists.

Hey, that's why he's got insurance, right?

Yeah, so at this point, I think I've completely lost control of this entire post. Eff it, it's Friday. I'm ok with that.

Speaking of misdemeanors, the value of these links is downright criminal...

Pens Bud commercial from '82 [PSaMP]

Another vote for Jarron Gilbert, DE - San Jose State [NFL.com]

Obviously they conveniently neglected to go to Cleveland [Associated Press]

Elsewhere in the AFC North - Dhani Jones is hosting a show on the Travel Channel [Associated Press]

Patrick Chewing? Please. [The Sports Hernia]

I see nothing wrong with a little library masturbation. Hey, when the mood strikes you...besides, it's no big secret that people engage in coitus regularly in the stacks [Rumors and Rants]

OFTOT Rule #569 - Anytime someone writes about Curling, I will link to it. [Deadspin]

Gunpowder Jones = the GOAT [You Lay On The Ice Like A Broad!]

Best FAIL ever [FAIL Blog]

This is why I give money to the ASPCA - 17 plants that can poison your pet [ASPCA]

Howard K. Stern furnished Anna Nicole with illegal drugs. If this shocks you, go stick your head back in the sand [The Superficial]

Top 8 mysteries of Pittsburgh. Conspicuously absent - Why Roland's Hot Lobster Roll is so heavenly... /salivating all over laptop [Steve Is Alive]

ESPN all up on the Tweets [Steady Burn]

Wow. What a photoshop! [Carbolic Smoke Ball]

Tiny's four act play about weird people [Cheese People]

Theme of today's Riffs = "Songs That Make You Smile." PS - Follow The Riffs on Twitter [Friday Morning Riffs]

REMINDER: Tonight, 10PM-2AM, Maticulous at Huckleberry Bar in Williamsburg, Brooklyn - 588 Grand St. at Lorimer. Come out and have a beer or 10 with us. It's gonna be like a party at Pacman's house...only they don't have a stripper pole...

I might bring mine, though. Just in case.

And in closing, I'd like to point out that there are two things in this picture that I want...

Take a wild guess which two I'm referring to...

Welcome to the weekend post coming up later on. Get that dirt off your shoulder. Nahmeen?

Obligatory Footer - If you haven't already, become a fan of OFTOT on Facebook, join the blog network and follow me on Twitter. Or don't. Your choice, really.

Dude, You'll Never Guess What I Just Saw...

Imagine Tomlin saying it like Johnny Drama...

Byron Leftwich - 129 yards on 10 pass attempts, and a 5 yard passing TD to Sansmokio. I mean, if you had told me yesterday that Byron Leftwich was going to come into last night's game and produce 13 points en route to a 23-6 Steelers victory, I'd have smacked you in the mouth.

The past two games it was Mewelde Moore stepping up big. Last night it was Big Byron. And boy did he step the eff up. Well played, Byron. Well played indeed.

Last week was tough. Just like the Eagles game, our Offense was dogshit but our Defense kept us in the game until the 4th Quarter. It was hard to watch the Defense play so well only to watch the Offense march onto the field for three plays (or less) and then trot back off. But last night made up for it.

So let's recap the "Things That Were Awesome," "Things That Were Not Awesome," and "Things That Sucked Camel Penis." Don't the names of the latter category keep getting better and better? Gosh, what'll I think of next?

Things That Were Awesome
1. 4th play of 3rd Quarter? Leftwich to Nate Washington, 50 YARDS!
2. Deshea INT - Who says this 33 year old can't play? Not Jason Campbell.
3. 7 SACKS! (including 2 by The Wood)
4. What's up with Willie's knee? 70 yds on 21 carries, 1 TD. That's what's up.
5. 1st blocked punt since 1998!

Things That Were Not Awesome
1. Ben's completion percentage? 11. I think that's a QB rating of 6.
2. Mitch Berger's 28 yard punt...somebody call Kordell Stewart.
3. An end around to Nate Washington? This is your creative genius, Arians?
4. Hey, at least Anthony Smith contributed a special teams penalty!
5. Note to Jeff Reed - You can't bank extra points in. This isn't basketball.

Things That Sucked Camel Penis
1. Onside kick on the opening kickoff? Oh, ok, I get it. We want to lose.
2. I think I have pink eye. No joke.
3. Giving the 'Skins GREAT field position on their 1st two possessions.
4. Ben sacked three times in two quarters. Yeah, he's injured by the way.
5. Max Starks using his hands to cover his head instead using them to knock the ball away from Cornelius Griffin. Watch out for that small, lightweight piece of leather, Max! YOU'RE 6'8," 345 POUNDS, DUDE!!!

Now, ok. Let's not get too hot on Lord Byron just yet. He did more than expected and it was great. But we also simplified things a lot more when he came in. And by simplified, I mean we started running the ball. So look, I'll take that performance out of Byron Leftwich every day of the week. But QB controversy? Ish don't think so.

And frankly, it's pretty worrisome that Ben was so hurt that he didn't feel like getting back on the field in the 2nd half. Perhaps some of you think that after last night, Byron Leftwich could lead this team to a Championship. But you would be straight jacket worthy. Ben being injured that bad? Not good.

Oh yeah, and Heath Miller with a giant ice pack on his ankle? I mean, that ain't good, either.

GREAT WIN, THOUGH! Ravens won on Sunday. They're 5-3. Browns are 3-5. Bengals are irrelevant. We're now 6-2 and I think if nothing else, our Defense continued to make it's case for League MVP. Yes. The entire defense. For MVP. That's my vote at this time.

We're now looking at the Colts on Sunday. They're "hot" off a "big" win over "Matt Cassell"...I mean the Patriots. Manning had a pretty big day. And I would know, I've got him in fantasy. But he better savor it now, because he'll be on my bench his back for 60 minutes in T-Minus five days. HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!!!

I am now eager to hear all of your thoughts. Let's have them.

Here are some other visuals to jog your memory...





Oh, and go do your civic duty and vote! Me? I'm writing in Dick Lebeau.

OFTOT's Steelers Gameday Liveblog...

T-minus 30 minutes and counting.

Are you ready for some politics football?

See you shortly!

The Hour Is Almost Upon Us...

It's election eve
And all through DC
Fans are abuzz with excitement
Steelers fans with glee

The 'Skins are hot
And Clinton Portis is strong
But with Casey Hampton around
How could we go wrong

So Jason Campbell beware
We know that you're good
But no man is safe
In the eyes of The Wood
Here we go Steelers!

And if you need something to kill the time, I suggest the [Unnamed] Steelers Pregame Show - Episode 8. I'm just going to go fail an exam now...See you kids at 8:15.

Predictions?

Listen, I'm Injured, You're Injured...

Alright, well clearly I'm all about tardiness today. I'm really living the mantra - fashionably late. Things happen. I work. At a real job. Where they actually pay me (sort of). That ironically requires more of my attention on a Friday than on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. But hey, whatever. Shit's rough nowadays, right?

Anyways, we've got this game against the Washington Redskins on Monday Night, in Washington. As of now, I'm not sure if Willie Parker is going to play, but we will have Santonio back. So that's encouraging. Ben's shoulder is still sore (like Najeh Davenport's ass is from sitting on the bench for the last few weeks). But he's surviving. Marvel Smith has some lingering back issues. Spasms or something fun like that. Big Snack and The Wood didn't practice yesterday, for the second day in a row. Which is also encouraging...not. Mitch Berger's plan was to punt some today in practice and decide how he feels about Monday. You'll remember, he's got an ongoing struggle with being an old bag of bones.

As for these 'Skins, stopping Clinton Portis is no small task. That dude is far and away the league's leading rusher with a disgusting 944 yards and it's only Week 9. Of course, the 'Skins haven't had their bye yet. So he's had more chances. But still, the next closest to him is Purple Jesus with 684. Oh, and he's tied for 3rd in touchdowns behind that fat sloppy mess Lendale White (/owns Chris Johnson in fantasy), the Eagles Offense...I mean Brian Westbrook, and that first round bust Reggie Bush. So while I'm sure our Defense is up to it, it certainly isn't going to be as easy as stopping Kenny Watson or even Jamal Lewis.

Beyond that, I think the 'Skins receivers are containable. Jason Campbell's been solid so far this season, but their tallest targets that aren't a Tight End or injured are the underwhelming rookie Devin Thomas at 6'2," and the fear inducing James Thrash at 6'0," neither of whom are starters. Of course, Randle El and Santana Moss are quick and shifty. But will Face Me Ike and Deshea be able to handle them? I think so.

What we've also got in our Corner are injuries. Not ours, we already talked about that. I'm talking about the 'Skins. Here's a list of ailments the 'Skins are currently experiencing...

Pete Kendall (knees/Alan Faneca envy)
Jason Taylor (calf/old man's penis)
LaRon Landry (hamstring/being too hardcore)
Rock Cartwright (knee/invisibility disease)
Clinton Portis (hip and ankle)
Ladell Betts (knee)
Santana Moss (hamstring/dwarfism)
Malcolm Kelly (knee/sucking at his job)
Carlos Rogers (ankle)
Shawn Springs (calf/Todd Heap and/or Donte Stallworth syndrome)
Cornelius Griffin (shoulder/being named Cornelius)
Chris Samuels (knee/31 years of gravitational stress)

And who knows what other kinds of bumps and bruises are lurking, heretofore unnoticed.

So listen up, Steelers. We don't like to lose. And I'm sure you don't either. Especially not to the NFC East, and especially given the nature of our previous losses to the Eagles and Giants. So quit jaggin' around and bring your balls on Monday (Offense, I'm looking at you). You're gonna need 'em. Oh, and if someone could supply Willie Colon with a pair that'd be cool. Matthias Kiwanuka took his from him last Sunday along with his dignity. Your help in the matter will be much appreciated. Thanks.

That's all I got for now.

Any thoughts?

Jim Zorn Ain't Got Nothing On This Guy...

High up on the list of "most unattractive pictures I've ever taken"

When I began to write this post, I didn't intend for it to become a rant reminiscent of Jim Zorn's press conference this past weekend. And yet, fittingly, that's kind of what it became.

Try not be deterred by my forcefulness. It's just that sometimes I read things that get me real fired up. As fired up as I get when I watch that Guitar Hero commercial with A-Rod, Kobe, Tony Hawk, and Michael EFFING Phelps. Seriously, how is Michael Phelps on the same level as Tony Hawk? I mean, I understand that it's a commercial for a video game where you play pop rock favorites on plastic instruments. But, really? 8 gold medals. Fan-effing-tastic. How about the three other guys in that commercial have an upwards of 10 years each dominating their respective sports (well, not really gAy-Rod). Not to mention the shit just sucks. Oh, you've got four sports figures looking like Tom Cruise in Risky Business? Isn't that real God damn clever. Well shit, I'm gonna go run right out and buy that game for $100(?). Does it come with A-Rod in his skivvies? ME-OW.

Errrr...moving on to that rant I mentioned...

Oh God, the big bad NFC East is beating up on the poor little Steelers and their poor QB, Big Ben. Honestly, Associated Press? This is a story? Because the Eagles sacked Ben nine times en route to a nine point victory and the Giants sacked Ben five times en route to a seven point victory, all of a sudden the Steelers have the insurmountable task of beating their NFC East brethren, the Washington Redskins...who will be without two starting D-Lineman and a starting Corner? Um, forgive me if I'm not pissing myself in fear. Come the eff on, man. First of all, they lost to the Rams. At home. One week after the Rams fired their previous Coach. Powerhouse, indeed. But let's table that discussion for now.

This report says...

"Just as worrisome for the Steelers is that playing every team in the NFL’s best division is taking a physical toll, too."

Ok, dude. Playing EVERY team in EVERY division can take a physical toll. Frankly, I'm not exactly ready to single out the NFC East as the division that's going to muscle the Steelers right out of playoff contention. Give me a break. To my mind, we just played the best team that division has to offer anyhow.

Dallas is a bunch of cry babies who were only winning because they were playing inferior teams. Tony Romo is a little bitch who will crumble the minute James Harrison so much as breathes on him. And T.O.? Don't even get me started. That dude better get HIS popcorn ready. Because the hurtin' the Steelers are going to put on the Cowboys is going to be one for the record books. I just have a feeling. Big D? Let's see, does that D stand for divas, dickbags or douchebags? I know it doesn't stand for Defense. Oh, and they lost to the Rams at home too.

As for Washington? Putting aside the fact that, in reality, I respect them greatly, their average margin of victory this year is approximately five. FIVE God damn points. Now, we certainly haven't been blowing our respectable opponents away, but 3 out of their six wins have been decided by five points or less. PLUS, they haven't even had their bye week yet. And oh yeah, THEY LOST TO THE RAMS! AT HOME!

And another thing - the report intimates that because guys like Willie Parker, Casey Hampton and Ryan Clark were injured during games against the NFC East this automatically means that those teams were so physical against us that we might as well have employed an entire floor's worth of hospital staff. Eff that! Willie Parker broke his God damn leg not even a year ago! And Casey Hampton? Turf toe, dude. Turf toe. It's not like he's sucking bananas, peas and carrots through a straw. Ryan Clark? Do I even need to explain this one? The guy has no effing spleen for Christ's sake! So again, FAIL!

How about this - the NFC East is having such great success against the Steelers because they've been exploiting a weakness so glaringly obvious that my Mom, who knows nothing of this foosball game we're always talking about, knows about it. WE SUCK AT PASS BLOCKING! DUH! This isn't the cure for cancer, here. You blitz our line, you start racking up the sacks. Particularly on the right side. Willie Colon? Yeah, he gave up at least three sacks to the Eagles and most recently, three sacks to Matthias Kiwanuka, who subsequently won the NFL's Defensive Player of the Week award. So out of the 14 sacks registered between our two previous NFC East opponents, almost HALF came from Willie Colon (and I'm only counting sacks registered by the Right Defensive End...not even linebackers).

Bottom line - the success of the Eagles and Giants came principally from their ability to play patty cake with Big Ben. If the line decides to block and Ben decides to make good decisions with the football, I see no reason why recent history should dictate the outcome in this one. That's why they play the games. Am I wrong?

Either way, Associated Press, your story sucks! And I have nothing else to say in the matter.

/end rant