AFC North Headline Of The Day...

Alright, so check this out. I had this thing all written at like Noon yesterday. But because I'm a giant vag and refuse to post anything I haven't read 16 times to make sure I've said everything funny I possibly can, it was not posted. There's a good chance that may happen again today. Sometimes you just have to pay attention to your adult-ish responsibilities. And shit.

Anyways, if this isn't funny, I'm denying all culpability.

I'm not a machine, you savages...

Read on...now.

So, putting aside the fact that the "Red Report" is the name of this Cardinals publication, I'm not sure if I find it more funny or miserable that there's actually a whole article wherein these clowns openly admit that the Cardinals want Steeler dong worse than Rosie O'Donnell wants a sexchange.

Anyways, I'm not really sure where I was going with this. I just saw it and posted it because it seemed relevant. And because unfortunately, as much as I might like to have spent the better part of my day surfing the intertubes, that's just not a luxury I was able to enjoy yesterday. As it was, I wrote this largely in the 15 minute break I had between classes yesterday morning.

...Ah, you know what. To hell with it. I'm not gonna waste your time with subpar, I haven't slept in three nights, bush league attempt at humor which probably wouldn't have been that funny anyway. Just go to the links.

By the way, there's a 70% chance that these links sweat this blog's nuts...

FACT - There are few things funnier than a Geno interview [PSaMP]

Gigler has some lofty aspirations for Dan Rooney's ambassadorship - bring U2 to Heinz. Nate has undoubtedly already friended him on Facebook [Blog 'n' Gold]

Now that Dan Rooney is an ambassador, he'll be taking a step back from running the team. Your move, Art II [Post-Gazette]

Jets block Browns acquisition of Abram Elam. Poor Mangina, now he'll actually have to evaluate some talent [Associated Press]

Like, I guess John St. Clair, who the Browns just signed [Associated Press]

They also signed Noah Herron. Some team that Mangina's assembling, huh? [OBR]

Peter King thinks it's either Bucs or Jets for Cutler. Good for him [SI.com]

Cardinals retain Clark Haggans' services. Good for THEM [Associated Press]

Ravens sign Eagles washout LJ Smith. Embarrassing fact of the day - I once drafted LJ Smith in fantasy. Epic bust [ESPN]

A Browns fan expresses his frustration at the state of the Browns affairs [OBR]

Tucked away in here - Derrick Williams hopes to show he's better than a 4th rounder. I'm sure he's not the only one... [Yahoo! Sports]

Barring anything that happens in the draft, Marc Bulger should have a fun 2009 [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]

The only word that can accurately describe Geno is "animal" [The Pensblog]

Could the Pirates contend in 2010? Good question [WHYGAVS]

Video of Obama picking North Carolina...(PITT FTW!) [NESW Sports]

Best picture I've seen in a while. Also, Steve wrote some words [Steve Is Alive]

What a picture to caption! [Sports Crackle Pop]

I know I say this just about every day, but I really do have an unhealthy love affair with Carbolic Smoke Ball [Carbolic Smoke Ball]

I would love to do this someday [FAIL Blog]

Alkaline Trio/Saves The Day tour. Would I go see this? Most likely [Punk Rock News]

Seems like a lot of effort for someone who is quitting his job, but who doesn't like cake? [9-to-Fried]

I wanted to end this with some sort of YouTube video or something. But unfortunately, by the time I got around to posting this, I could barely see the screen. Let alone search YouTube for 45 minutes to find 30 seconds of someone falling off a roof. Besides, if I wanted to see that, I'd conjure up memories of Silky Johnson in college.
AAAAALLLLLLLLRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!

Go Blue Hens!

And lastly, you all are to be commended. I have a good cross section of ridiculous images. I could always use a few more. But no pressure. Just, you know, do whatever...

/I'm so sleeping right now

Obligatory Footer - If you haven't already, become a fan of OFTOT on Facebook, join the blog network and follow me on Twitter. Or don't. Your choice, really.

You Said It, Lady...

All you need is the first five seconds of that one to know what I'm talking about. And actually, I'd counsel you not to watch much further than that. Because frankly, it's all downhill from there.

Unless, of course, you've got a few thousand brain cells you don't need...

Coincidentally, I think this chick may be on to something. This seems like a fantastic way to learn your NFL history.

Unfortunately, the first five seconds of this one aren't nearly as accurate...or amusing, for that matter...


Anyways, this weekend's biggest Steelers news was that Bryant McFadden is now an Arizona Cardinal.

My initial thought? What if you had a former friend who, every time you stopped dating a girl, would immediately pursue them like Romeo Crennel pursues a donut?

I mean, you wouldn't really care - after all, they're all girlfriends you've dumped. And yet, part of you still wants to punch him in the face for being such an aggressive douchebag.

It would be really easy for me to make the "Raising Arizona" or "Pittsburgh West" jokes here. But there would be a huge picture of those jokes next to the word "lame" in the dictionary.

And I can't really express my thoughts on this any better than I did on Twitter last night...


Some of you might argue that this is more shocking than the day you found out that Santa Clause was just some cruel joke. But you people would be kidding yourselves. And probably also huffing glue. Don't even try and lie, if I told you before free agency began that Bryant McFadden would sign with the Cardinals, you'd have believed me in a heartbeat.

I gotta hand it to Arizona, though, man. In the past week, they've really made it rain in proportionately-Daniel-Synder-esque fashion. Kurt Warner for 2 years, $23 million last week. Bryant McFadden for 2 years, $10 million this week.

However, one does wonder - With all this spending, how WILL they have the money and cap space to restructure Anquan Boldin's contract?

Oh well, not my problem.

So we lose a solid Corner who may/may not grow up to be a Pro Bowler someday (PS - he's already 27). Willie Gay looked pretty good last year in his limited action. I'm not really too worried about it.

I mean, if he knows as much about playing Corner as he does about public relations, we should be just fine...

Lil' Jon's laughing all the way to the bank, kid.

RIP B-Mac's career in Pittsburgh.

He was a good man, and thorough.

Any reactions or did those videos put you at a loss for words?

Obligatory Footer - If you haven't already, become a fan of OFTOT on Facebook, join the blog network and follow me on Twitter. Or don't. Your choice, really.

Farewell To A Friend...

The Steelers released Kendall Simmons yesterday after seven seasons of service. I'd say something else about this, but I'm not really sure what else there is to say.

Doesn't really matter. The point is - this one's for him.

Good luck in the desert, Kendall and thanks for all the memories.

/single tear rolls down eye duct

PS - Better watch this thing quick before the YouTube nazis shut it down.

I'm an asshole.

Obligatory Footer - If you haven't already, become a fan of OFTOT on Facebook, join the blog network and follow me on Twitter. Or don't. Your choice, really.

Step 3 - Address Thine Enemy's "Five Things to Watch"...

Where did Steps 1 & 2 go? I don't know, just trying to come up with pithy headlines. Cut me some slack, this bloggin' shit is harder than it looks.

Anyways, in the spirit of Sunday's matchup against Pittsburgh West, aka Whisengrimm's Wild Ride, I went in search of what the other side was saying. I've read a lot of analysis on what the Steelers have to do to achieve victory, but I was curious to see-

a. if anyone in Arizona thinks the Cardinals will actually win
b. if so, what are the specific things they are saying?

The result (one of them) was - "5 Things to Watch" from this morning's Arizona Republic. Not that these are like "keys to victory" or anything, but according to the Republic's Kent Somers, these are 5 things we may/may not see on Sunday (like that non-denial denial?...think about it):

1. If Anquan Boldin and Hines Ward play. The two receivers are very similar -- tough guys who can run after the catch and block. Both are hurt. Boldin has a hip bruise and Ward has a sprained knee.
2. Ken Whisenhunt, a former Steelers assistant, knows the Steelers defense as well as anyone. Can he find a way to attack it and score points?
3. Can Matt Leinart handle the pressure? He hasn't played well against teams that have blitzed and disguised coverages, and the Steelers will do both.
4. Can Edgerrin James gain 100 yards rushing against Pittsburgh? No one back has done it since James had 124 against them in 2005. The Steelers have played 28 games since.
5. How often will the Cardinals use the no-huddle, if they do at all? Kurt Warner, the backup QB, runs it and it was effective last week but will it be a part of the game plan every week? Doubtful.

Disclaimer: I feel at this point it's only right that I tell you -- anything I say below, I say mostly for entertainment purposes and is how I feel about Sunday's game taken to an extreme. If you asked me straight out what I thought of the game, I'd tell you that every game matters and that there are is no such thing as an easy win (until the game has been played of course). Arizona has struggled for the past, um, how long have they been in the league? But that doesn't mean that this year, and this Sunday in particular, they can't achieve a win. We have to be just as sharp against them as we would be against Indy or New England.

So keep in mind when you're reading what is below that I'm exaggerating toward one end of the spectrum in the interest of saying something entertaining. Now here comes the fun...er...commentary:

1. Hines Ward out, moot point. Boldin, yes, gotta worry about a dude who could easily steamroll any and all of your Corners. Good news for the Steelers is that's why we have talented Safeties. Watch Ryan Clark and Polamalu take care of business...
2. Wait, Ken Whisenhunt knows what? The Defense? May I remind you, Whis coached the Offense for the Steelers, and called plays from the box. I'm willing to bet he didn't pay much attention to Defensive Master Dick LeBeau and his schemes at all. Besides, even if he did. LeBeau knows better than to show Whisenhunt the same shit we threw at teams last year or the year before. He'll have a fully stocked gameplan of new and/or different looks ready to go on Sunday, mark my words.
3. No, Leinart probably cannot. But I will say he gives them their best chance to win. Benching your would be starter for a dinosaur like Kurt Warner is not exactly a vote of confidence, Ken. But still, the one thing Leinart does have, two things actually, are Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. Those guys will help him get his job done. Nonetheless, Leinart = moot point. Warner or Leinart, Steelers will be all over whoever gets the nod.
4. See #3. No Edgerrin James will not gain over 100 yards against the Steelers. He didn't eclipse that mark against the 49ers or Ravens. So I don't see it happening against the Steelers. Nonetheless, stranger things have happened...
5. Maybe we'll see the Cardinals in the no huddle, but will it matter? Do we think they'll be in the no huddle because they're in any position to win the game? Or just because the feel like throwing us a curve? Frankly, I don't think the Cardinals no huddle offense is "something to watch for," but that's just me...

So there you have it. Point, Counter-Point. What else is coming out of Arizona? See below...

- "Improved Pass Protection Has Been Key"
- "Coaching Intrigue Adds Spice"
- "Steelers Continue Winning Ways"
- "Steelers No Big Deal?"
- "Leinart's Confidence Still Intact"
- "No Huddle Offense Here to Stay"

Starting The Day Off Right...

You guessed it, links links and more links, with a little wit and sarcasm sprinkled in. A lot of crap for me to point out (poke fun at) over the past couple days. I must admit I have been a bit distracted...having a job and a blog is tough man. But hey, I gotta feed the monkey...and we all know this inconspicuous corner of the internet that is One For The Other Thumb ain't exactly paying the bills...

Anyways, without further ado, enjoy the links below:

• Ron Mexico gets his hair did....hopes for new rules with new haircut...Petrino says "I think Mike's new do looks fierce!"...Are we seriously even talking about this? Who is getting paid to report on this crap? Oh wait...I'm reporting on it for free?...umm...nevermind


• Pretty sure there should never be any coverage of the "greats" of fantasy football...cause frankly guys (and by guys I mean those of you who think fantasy is the measure of your manhood...don't lie, I know you do) it's "fantasy"...by definition not real. No player's true greatness will ever be measured strictly by his fantasy numbers. That being said, I'm taking LaDanian Tomlinson with the first pick in the 2007 Domski Fantasy Football League Draft...


• Things that happen once a month for $1000...


• Cincinnati chili claims another victim...Stuff will make you crazy, mark my words...


• The football equivalent of penis envy...if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, what do you call obsession?...


• God I hope this turns into a pitcher's duel between Louis Lipps and Ken Wregget...


• Playing musical chairs with 300 pounders...Steelers are really building the suspense here...


• Are you telling me the Steelers are old school? No way...get right out of town! Seriously?...