He's A ComPlax Individual...

The Giants. We're playing 'em Sunday. So what better way to start off Giants week than to talk about Plaxico Burress? None, right? That's what I thought you'd say.

Plaxico Burress is a pox. As we well know, he is herpes, SARS and the avian flu all rolled into one. He is to Pittsburgh what Terrell Owens is to Philadelphia. But scaled proportionately to the amount of shit each respective franchise would tolerate. He has made a career out of consistently keeping himself from reaching his full potential. He's made dumb mistakes, he's refused to run routes 100%, and if this report is correct, he still owes back taxes to Moon Township (Domski - better get Sandy on the case).

But for all of his bullshit, he's a superbly talented receiver. He was pretty awesome for us. He's been downright dominant at times for the Giants. He's 6'5", 232 lbs of diva, who still holds the Steelers record for most receiving yards in a single game. And like Chad Ocho Cinco, if he played the game anything like Hines Ward plays the game, he'd probably be a first ballot hall of famer. You know, this is Plaxico's 8th season in the league? And he's still never made a pro bowl he still acts like a rookie.

It defies logic, I know.

Anyways, since I'm accustomed to doing this sort of thing, I figured I might as well rip on Plax a bit. So today I thought it'd be fun to play a little game I'm calling - "What's Plaxico Burress Saying?"

I think you can pretty much figure out how it works on your own.

I'll lead with the comment I made over at Deuce of Davenport yesterday. Here we go...


Plax: "Yeah, let me get a double cheese, sausage and bologna pie delivered to Giants stadium? Yeah, on the home sidelines. Just ask for Plaxico." [hangs up phone]

Mr. Hand Tom Coughlin: "Mr. Burress, you're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance on my sidelines and on my time."

Plax: "I've been thinking about this, Coach Coughlin. If I'm here...and you're here... doesn't that make it our time?"


"Aw Paris, like OMG, I would LOVE to be your new bff. LOL. TTYL."


"Girl, you know that kid ain't mine. I ain't even ever been to Alaska."


"What, this visor? Yeah, this is why I'm hot..."


"Why yes, I'd love to do 'Dancing with the Stars?'"


"You people keep [redacted] around, I'm gon' go get my gun."


"Yes. I would like free tickets to the ballet, thank you very much."


"Who the hell is this Eli Manning guy you keep talking about?"


"I don't know, Mom. I think Smurfs would go better with my uniform."


"What the [redacted] you think? I'm Plaxico Burress, bitch!"

Oh yeah, and the Giants have some other guys named, like, Eli Manning, Brandon Jacobs, Steve Smith, and Dominick Hixon who are pretty good too. McFadden is out for Sunday, and Troy is questionable. Sounds like it should be a fun one...

AFC North Headline of the Day...

YES!

I know this isn't about the AFC North. Nor is it even a headline. But you don't know how long I've waited for someone to find OFTOT by searching "plaxico burress rhodes scholar" on Google. Like for-EV-ER (pronounced like Squints Palledorous). This is a banner moment in OFTOT history.

You know, come to think of it, we had an intern in my office this summer that was from Niceville, FL. Same chick? I just don't know.

Feel free to get YOUR intern to read these links to you...

Silverback and Tobiathan should be friends [Post-Gazette]

Big Ben to Jacksonville - "Sorry I had to throw for over 300 yards on you. If it's any consolation, here's money for a police dog" [KDKA]

Plaxico Burress - Somebody else's problem [Blue Monkey Disco Party]

An open letter to Phil Savage [Orange and Brown Report]

Man, does Reggie Bush suck or what? [Larry Brown Sports]

If you think Eli Manning's Hoboken pad is cool, you should see mine...uh...yeah [Electronic House]

Plaxico Burress - Still a Dick...

First of all, let me just say I couldn't stand Plaxico in Pittsburgh, but I really can't stand him in New York. Living in the greater Manhattan metro area, I cross my fair share of Giant fans, most of whom very boisterously make it known how much they love everything about the Giants, including Burress. And that would be ok if we were talking about reasonable people, because I'm relatively confident that if that were the case I'd be able to make a number of arguments to dissuade them on this point. But the fact is, and if you've ever lived in/traveled to this general area you'll know what I mean, these human beings are not rational. They don't really listen when you talk. All they hear are the words "Plaxico" and "sucks" and they've already started cutting you off verbally...

Anyways, the whole reason for this post was that I noticed an article today from Monday's edition of Newsday in which Plax makes the declaration that he is the #2 blocking wide receiver in the league, behind Hines Ward (technically he says he's "right next" to Hines in terms of blocking ability). Not only that, but the writer himself states that Burress's "most under rated" ability is blocking...

There's no real point in getting down any further into it, because obviously the dude still lives in his own web of lies, but if you're looking for a real load of BS, read his final comment from the article (below):

"I don't stop running my route until the ball hits the ground and I don't stop blocking until the whistle blows. If people say I'm lackadaisical, maybe it just looks that way," Burress said. "If I make things look easy or like I'm not trying hard, well, that's just the talent I'm blessed with. I don't have to be making a whole lot of faces, and straining and all that. I'm playing hard."

Uh, dude, remember that time you went down untouched, got up and immediately spiked the ball, showboating, when the play wasn't dead? Someone needs to bring this guy back to reality...

Kordell Stewart Gets All The Ladies...

Not really...well maybe, who knows. But what we do know is he sucked as QB of the Steelers. You know who else sucked? Well SteelerTribute.com is about to tell you.

In honor of the Steelers landmark 75th anniversary this season, SteelerTribute.com has compiled a pair of YouTube videos showcasing the most "unheralded" (not my term don't look at me)...and the worst Steelers throughout the last 75 years (with particular emphasis on the last 15-20).

For the most part they're pretty spot on, but I do think they got a little mixed up when they selected Bubby Brister and Chris Gardocki among their "worst" and Mike Tomczak and Josh Miller among their "unheralded." Guess everyone's entitled to their own opinion (God Bless America and the internet).

But they're not just limited to witty online videos. Oh no, SteelerTribute.com is not just a clever name, but also a site. Check it out at the link below. Still not sure what all is worth your time since they ask you to sign up to "vote" for the All-Suck and All-Unheralded teams. Good thing I'm too smart for that shit...probably be spamming me about unofficial Duce Staley rubber butt donut souveniers or something...you know cause his ass was sore from riding the bench...er something...yeah, I know...I can do better.

Just for kicks, here are three dudes I'd like to see on the "All-Suck" team:
1. Tommy Maddox (how could they leave him out???)
2. Plaxico Burress (because he's a dick)
3. Bam Morris (i'm sure some of you may not like this pick)

And three dudes I'd like to see on the "All-Unheralded" team:
1. Carnell Lake
2. Yancey Thigpen
3. Merril Hoge

Peep the links:
Steelers 75th Season All-Suck Team
Steelers 75th Season All-Unheralded Team
Website

Manufacturing News 101....

More like repurposing...

Since there hasn't been a whole lot of news from Steelers country the past few days, I'm using a combination of superior wit and good looks (ok, you got me...mostly wit) to provide the hopefully-entertaining commentary/links below. Enjoy!

• Talk about being a little behind the curve...Matt Mosley at ESPN gives Sepulveda a nod...the same nod I gave him here, on May 2...


• Willie Colon, starting Right Tackle? Good thing Max Starks is making close to 2 million bones this season...vs. $360k for Colon


• The one that got away?...I'd rather have somewhat less production but better work ethic/attitude anyday...but that's just me.


• For that matter - Free Agent Losses (98-01) and (02-06)...I'll be starting the Yancy Thigpen fan club shortly...also, let the record state that the Steelers let Mike Vrabel slip away.


• Santonionioniono...


• Care For a Beverage Mr. Cotter?


• The Cowher era personnel poaching continues...although I guess technically it's not poaching if they're no longer with the team...whatever, I'll still call it poaching. Makes me wonder, who are Whis/Grimm going to go after next? I hear Andre Frazier can be had for a price...shh, don't tell Cincinnati


• Oh yeah, Joey Porter plead guilty to assaulting Levi Jones...his dogs on the other hand plead no contest