October 21, 2008

He's A ComPlax Individual...

The Giants. We're playing 'em Sunday. So what better way to start off Giants week than to talk about Plaxico Burress? None, right? That's what I thought you'd say.

Plaxico Burress is a pox. As we well know, he is herpes, SARS and the avian flu all rolled into one. He is to Pittsburgh what Terrell Owens is to Philadelphia. But scaled proportionately to the amount of shit each respective franchise would tolerate. He has made a career out of consistently keeping himself from reaching his full potential. He's made dumb mistakes, he's refused to run routes 100%, and if this report is correct, he still owes back taxes to Moon Township (Domski - better get Sandy on the case).

But for all of his bullshit, he's a superbly talented receiver. He was pretty awesome for us. He's been downright dominant at times for the Giants. He's 6'5", 232 lbs of diva, who still holds the Steelers record for most receiving yards in a single game. And like Chad Ocho Cinco, if he played the game anything like Hines Ward plays the game, he'd probably be a first ballot hall of famer. You know, this is Plaxico's 8th season in the league? And he's still never made a pro bowl he still acts like a rookie.

It defies logic, I know.

Anyways, since I'm accustomed to doing this sort of thing, I figured I might as well rip on Plax a bit. So today I thought it'd be fun to play a little game I'm calling - "What's Plaxico Burress Saying?"

I think you can pretty much figure out how it works on your own.

I'll lead with the comment I made over at Deuce of Davenport yesterday. Here we go...

Plax: "Yeah, let me get a double cheese, sausage and bologna pie delivered to Giants stadium? Yeah, on the home sidelines. Just ask for Plaxico." [hangs up phone]

Mr. Hand Tom Coughlin: "Mr. Burress, you're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance on my sidelines and on my time."

Plax: "I've been thinking about this, Coach Coughlin. If I'm here...and you're here... doesn't that make it our time?"

"Aw Paris, like OMG, I would LOVE to be your new bff. LOL. TTYL."

"Girl, you know that kid ain't mine. I ain't even ever been to Alaska."

"What, this visor? Yeah, this is why I'm hot..."

"Why yes, I'd love to do 'Dancing with the Stars?'"

"You people keep [redacted] around, I'm gon' go get my gun."

"Yes. I would like free tickets to the ballet, thank you very much."

"Who the hell is this Eli Manning guy you keep talking about?"

"I don't know, Mom. I think Smurfs would go better with my uniform."

"What the [redacted] you think? I'm Plaxico Burress, bitch!"

Oh yeah, and the Giants have some other guys named, like, Eli Manning, Brandon Jacobs, Steve Smith, and Dominick Hixon who are pretty good too. McFadden is out for Sunday, and Troy is questionable. Sounds like it should be a fun one...


random asshole said...

All I can say is that there's a good chance this game will be a preview of the Super Bowl. The fact that these two teams play a very similar type of football should make it a damn good game to watch.

marc said...

Should be good, what a sports weekend, Steelers, PSU and the WS.

matt said...

I'd like to see Plax get leveled.

Probably won't happen b/c he just falls like a bitch after he catches a pass.

marc said...

Our secondary could be a mess, BMac's broken forearm scares me, but Gay has been doing well lately. Troy out also scares me, who comes in, TyCarter? I wouldn't mind seeing ASmith come in, his skill set is more toward being a SS, not a FS anyway.

domski43 said...

stopping brandon jacobs will be the key to this game. steelers run defense will get their toughest test of the season.

everything the giants do works out of their ability to run the ball.

I'm not really too intimidated by the giants defense (minus justin tuck)

ladi izz said...

Is it wrong to wish that the Steelers put Hines in at safety?

tobiathan likes creative applications of player's strengths said...

I could see Hines moving to safety after his best days at WR were done. I bet he could still put in a great 2-3 years as a situational safety, and likely make a lot of picks with those hands.

Hell, it wouldn't be a *bad* idea to play him in key Nickel packages, covering the slot or hot-route guy, at least in big-game sitch's.

He's a hard-hitter, and certainly knows the WR trade....I even bet he'd be OK with it.

Most likewly(and i *hope*) we'll see Ty Carter at the SS spot. I don't think A. Smith is mature enough to start yet.

tobiathan hates plexiglass bare-ass said...

Oh yeah:

Plex is a turd. He'll try to get all big-timin' on us, until somebody cracks him a good one, then he'll disappear.

On the other hand- if he builds any momentum, i have no doubt he could pose a real threat to bury us. Luckily, he isn't very tough!

And i'm pretty sure a lil smack-talkin' will get him out of his game....

tobiathan is *very* impressed with himself said...

One last thing:

Some shameless self-promotion-

Hines could transition to safety under the auspices of his new nickname "Jawbreaker" Ward!

TheJim said...

I can live with the bad attitude, the ridiculous big rig he drives around, and his general inability to speak the English language.

What kills me about him is, he's 6'5, has a supposed 40+ inch vertical leap, but he CANNOT catch a fucking corner fade to save his life. I'm 5'10 on stilts and look like Drew Carey, but you'd be better off throwing me the ball in the back corner of the end zone.