Willie [Feces-Conduit] Signs...

See post title.

I wasn't going to write about this, because frankly, I really don't care.

But then I did.

These are the types of things that happen in the offseason.

On the bright side, I also spent way too much time on these two photoshops...




There goes an hour of my life that I'll never have back.

These better make you laugh. Or else my life is a sham.

That's all I got.

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It's Saturday Night Fever for Indy...

No, the Steelers did not sign Jeff Saturday.

He went back to the Indianapolis Mini Ponies.

I just really wanted them to, so I could post this combo above. Good thing I make the rules around here, 'cause I'm doing it anyway. Renegade.

Oh well, at least we made that offer to Willie Colon...

I'll be around at some point. Meeting People Is Easy and such. In the meantime, try and stay fully clothed.

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This Colon Refuses To Be Cleansed...

Yep, you guessed it - like it or not, the Steelers have tendered an offer to everyone's favorite Colon, Willie.

And that's pretty much all there is to say about that.

I was really just excited because this gives me an excuse to post that Photoshop again.

Top 10 OFTOT Photoshop of all time?

I say yes.

Oh yeah, Sean McHugh and Anthony Madison also got offers.

Anthony Smith did not.

Burn!

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Ok, Which Steeler Is Smoking Crack?

"Some of his teammates privately raved about him [Leftwich] to me after a Dec. 7 game against the Cowboys. One even wondered if the team might be better off with Leftwich starting instead of Roethlisberger, quite surprising now after the way Roethlisberger played in the Super Bowl."

I'm sorry, come again? What was that you just said? One of the Steelers wondered if the team might be better off with Leftwich starting instead of Big Ben? Come on, Pete Prisco, Willie Colon doesn't count.

No, but seriously, I know some of y'all may have been thinking the same thing about Ben at that point in the season. Maybe with good reason, at least in your mind(s). But, in case you never gathered it implicitly, I'm a Big Ben fan.

When he threw those three picks against Indy and everyone got all up in arms, that next Saturday night, my friend's Mom told me that the Steelers should start Leftwich instead of Big Ben. To that, I replied that Ben was going to throw for 300 yards against the Chargers the next day. And low and behold, 308 yards (hooray for being self-righteous...gayness).

Anyways, the point is, don't make this into a Ben vs. Byron debate, which frankly should be moot at this juncture anyhow. Just go with the "joke," if you don't mind.

That said, it's time to play a little game called "Who's The Asshole?"

Below is my lineup of potential perps. And just so you know, these are obviously all jokes. So don't try and tell me I'm stupid for thinking it was, say, Willie Colon. Actually, Willie Colon might not be a bad guess. Anyways, let's do this...

1. Willie Colon

Just because. Maybe he was tired of getting shit on for what people perceive to be his inadequacy, when really the problem is just Ben rolling to his right all the time (not that Ben necessarily does that more than he rolls to his left).

Actually, this really could've been any of the Offensive lineman. A friend of mine told me last year that she knew someone that was one of our Offensive Lineman's housekeeper, and she (the friend) said whichever lineman it was always complained about Bruce Arians. Of course, I had to deduce that it was Bruce Arians because neither the housekeeper nor my friend knew who the lineman was talking about.

Where am I even going with this? I don't know. Let's just move on...

2. Carey Davis - He's more or less irrelevant, so I doubt he'd be too worried about voicing his opinion. I have no idea why you'd ever interview Carey Davis after a game, but sure, why not Carey Davis?

3. Anthony Smith

Only because saying dumb shit is his shtick...which means that every time someone on the Steelers makes a ridiculous statement, there's at least a 60% chance it was Anthony Smith.

4. Mitch Berger

Now that I can no longer blame Bruce Arians for everything, I'd like to redirect a lot of that blame to Mitch Berger. He's the low hanging fruit.

That's what she said.

Moving right along...

5. Steely McDevil

YES! I found another excuse to work him into a post. Perhaps no matter which Steeler said this, it really came from Steely McDevil, who whispered this sweet nonsense into his ear. Steely McDevil = clubhouse cancer?

Well anyways, if you feel like indulging, who do y'all think it might have been? I know I made a big joke out of this, which at this point is all the statement really is, but I'm still curious. Who would say that to the media???

My guess? The dude from Me and Domski's fantasy league two (three?) years ago, who said, and I quote - "Pig Ben is a bum and he's finally showing it."

Two Super Bowls in four years...

Bum, indeed.

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Time To Put Your Kevin Colbert Hat On [Day 2]...

Well, it appears day one of free agent watch 2009 went swimmingly. Good thing I haven't been paying attention enough to know that Byron Leftwich wants to be a starter again. Not like that was any kind of well kept secret or anything. It's just, to be honest with you, news about Byron Leftwich's life isn't very high up on my list of things to follow. But, you know, good for him. And when he can't find a decent starting job, I'll be happy to welcome him back with open arms.

So anyway, yesterday we covered the two QBs and Jeff Reed's life partner.

Today, I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something, but I just can't quite figure out what it is. It's like it's calling out to me...

Hmmmm...weird.

Right, so if that was a little too cryptic for you, I'm saying today we should talk about the state of the O-line, specifically the Tackles.

From where I stand, while I appreciate the way the line turned it on in the playoffs, I can't really accept that as the norm considering Ben was still sacked 46 times during the regular season. And eight times in one game against the Eagles at that! You can argue until you're blue in the face that they aren't that bad, and maybe they're not. But 46 sacks, countless false starts, untimely holding penalties, unsportsmanlike conduct penalties [thy name is Kemoeatu], I mean, none of that is indicative of a solid unit.

Still, for most of the season we had two first year starters at guard and a "backup" at Left Tackle (a $7 million dollar backup, mind you...looks like a smart decision now, though, doesn't it?). Plus, Hartwig was new to the team. And then there's Willie Colon. I really don't have anything to say about that guy that I haven't already said about going to the Dentist. Put a little Kenny G on in the background of a game and watching him is pretty much the same thing. I don't see how he hasn't lost his job on that side other than the fact that we have jack shit for depth at Tackle beyond Max Starks. Well, ok, not EXACTLY jack shit - Trai Essex, Jason Capizzi and Tony Hills - but close enough.

So, I can see where you might think this is a serviceable unit, a fact I will not deny. I mean, we did just win a Super Bowl with them. I just frankly don't think they did a satisfactory job overall, even with Ben's tendency to hold the ball longer than one mountain of a human being blocking for him might like.

Wherever you come out on this whole thing, let us all know in the comments. For now, allow me to present to you the free agents of the 2009 Steelers Offensive Line, beginning with...

Max Starks - I think you almost have to re-sign him?

I mean, at this point, it's either Starks, Marvel Smith (see below), Trai Essex (also see below), develop Tony Hills and/or Jason Capizzi or draft a Tackle in April. Y'all may know that I'm a Max Starks apologist. I really never thought he was that bad. But since Mike Tomlin disagrees, I have to defer to his judgment.

Still, which would you rather have - a guy who's started in two Super Bowls and done alright, a guy who's 30 and coming off multiple seasons cut short by back injuries, a guy who's probably a career backup, or either of two unproven current practice squadders? Money is obviously an issue, since Starks apparently ranks among the most attractive free agent tackles. But I feel like the Steelers ought to seriously consider bringing Starks back AND starting him at Left Tackle.

Then there's...

Marvel Smith - Just like when it comes to drugs, I gotta say no.

I don't want this. You don't want this. But like I said above, the guy's 30 and just had his second straight season cut short by back problems (and potentially needs a second back surgery, though I haven't heard anything about this in a while). Remember, you're protecting a $100 million dollar QB back there. Max Starks is no Jonathan Ogden, but he's battle tested and isn't a complete dunce.

That said, I'm not going to throw a hissy fit if the Steelers decide to bring Smith back over Max Starks. So long as the discs in his back can stay in place, he's still a solid Left Tackle. I just worry about the injury sitch, which you may have gathered from the first 15 references I made to it.

Next, you've got...

Willie Colon - Can I defer?

I don't even know what to say. Needless to say, I make no secret about the fact that I'm not a Willie Colon fan, but what are the alternatives? We have no other natural Right Tackles currently on the roster. Sure, you could go with Trai Essex or one of the practice squadders I mentioned above, but I'm not sure I like Essex as a potential 16 game starter, and both of the practice squadders are still young and have no experience even in limited action. So, I really just don't know. I guess keep him? God, I can't believe I just said that...

And finally, there's...

Trai Essex - I say go for it. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be. Or something like that. He's a sold backup Tackle. No two ways about it. And no doubt you can get him on the cheap. So where exactly is the debate here? PS - Do I want to spend my time photoshopping something for Trai Essex? No, I don't.

And now that I've said my piece, what do y'all think about all this?

Well It Certainly Is Offensive...

Forty-seven sacks later the Steelers lose all-world Guard Alan Faneca to the New York Jets and.....................the projected Offensive Line, according to Ed Bouchette, includes Marvel Smith and Willie Colon at Tackle, Chris Kemo-EAT-U and Kendall Simmons at Guard, and Justin Hartwig at Center.

Comforting?

In other Steelers news....

1. Jeff Reed Has Bitch Tits [Sports by Brooks]
2. Steelers' O-Line Coach Feels Kemoeatu Is Ready [Post-Gazette]
3. Big Ben Makes It Rain On Some Bitches, Literally... [Post-Gazette]
4. A New Threat In The Bengals Backfield? [MJD]
5. Congrats To The Sexiest Woman In The World [FHM Online]

It's Times Like This I Wish We Played In The NFC...

Disclaimer: I know many of you have found this entry under the pretense that I think the positives I go on to mention below somehow outweigh the negatives. Just so there's no misunderstanding, it's actually the exact opposite. While I list 5 positives and 3 negatives, the negatives are definitely way more troubling than the positives are encouraging. So get it right...just trying to find SOME silver lining...

In a word - Awful. To be fair, when I started writing this post it was just about 12:30AM and I'd only had a solid hour to digest what happened on the field last night, but at the risk of sounding bitter - I mean, what the? Another loss predicated on turnovers. BIG BEN TURNOVERS, which are getting pretty damn old. Let's face it, we were lucky to get back into that game.

I'm going to try and keep my post game thoughts "brief" here, because games like that tell the story well enough on their own without me throwing my two cents around. Keep your fingers crossed.

I'll start with the positive, because I'd like to think about something that isn't going to make me feel like punching myself in the face. Plus, even though we lost, I can actually think of more positives (sheer quantity that is) than negatives. So here you go:

1. Character: We all know this team has enough of it to choke a horse. But I'm talking about the kind of character that allows them to locate their balls and mount a second half assault after being down 2 scores going into the half. Down 2 scores as the result of QB turnovers I might add. And yes, most of this is Ben. But frankly, it's the least he could do after getting us into the situation. I'm getting really tired of interceptions and fumbles. If there's one thing I hate to see it's giving away points. Case closed.


2. Sir Fast William Everette Parker: The man continues to impress. It's just too bad we put ourselves in a situation where we could not utilize him to the fullest. Still, even on 21 carries, he gained a solid 93 yards on the ground. Had we run him 5, 6, 7 more times I'm pretty confident that number would have been somewhere near 150 yards. I say it all the time, it's not mind blowing. The more chances you give him, the more he is able to help you. The Steelers talked all week about how we were going to use the run to wear them down and how bad Denver's rush defense is...and yet, we came out throwing. I can understand the idea of deception, but when you're up against a team whose rush defense isn't stopping anyone, let alone one of the league's top rushers, you probably don't need to be too deceptive. This game was primed for Willie to shine, and shine he did. But 5 more carries and who knows...anyways, bravo Willie. You're money my friend.


3. Baltimore lost: Sure, this also means we squandered a chance to put some distance between ourselves and the Ravens, but at least they didn't win when we lost. So our lead in the AFC North is safe for another week. Thank god for Buffalo coming up big. Consequently I am now a Trent Edwards fan.


4. Tight End Touchdowns: A whopping 3 scores registered by Heath Miller and Matt Spaeth! Now that's what I like to see. At least we exploited one Denver weakness! Heath Miller had 5 catches for 50 yards and 2 TDs and Matt Spaeth had 1 lonely catch for a 13 yard TD. I see Tomlin subscribes to the patented "when in doubt throw it to your tight end" theory. Keep that up. I'm gonna make my new motto - More Heath Miller = More fun for everyone.


5. Distributing the ball: Last but definitely not least, it was good to see that everyone was contributing last night. Ben completed 24 passes to a total of 8 different recipients. Even Carey Davis registered a catch...finally. 'Course the majority of the load fell on Hines Ward who had 7 catches for 78 yards and Santonio Holmes who had 6 catches for 54 yards. And that's the way it should be. But the way we were spreading the ball around in the 2nd half of that game last night was/is a good sign. The more weapons we utilize, the harder it is for the other team to key on 1 or 2 guys.

And now, the not so good...For all our sakes I'll try and curb my frustration and keep this objective...operative word being "try."

1. Turnovers: Yes, I'm talking about turnovers again...reluctantly. Big Ben, could you please try and maintain a little composure in the pocket? There were a number of times where I saw Ben get unnecessarily flustered, second guess himself on throws, or not take what the defense was giving him in hopes of making a long completion. Now, I couldn't see down the field so he may have been rightfully holding back on certain reads, but everytime he pump faked we lost precious seconds to make a play. We've gotta either start calling better plays to get guys open, Ben needs to get rid of the ball quicker, or he needs to take advantage of what the defense will offer him - IE like that 1st down run he had. Done.


2. Offensive line play: See exhibit A below...We all knew coming in that Denver did not have what most would qualify as a good defense. They let up 20 points to the Raiders in a winning campaign earlier this season, a team that only scored 10 points on Kansas City's poor-excuse-for a defense yesterday. So let's suffice it to say we should not have been letting guys come free and hassle Big Ben nearly as much as they did last night. This was a problem last season and so it is now as well. Obviously replacing Max Starks did not solve our problem. Actually, last night it really looked to me like Kendall Simmons was the biggest asshole on that line. I seem to remember 2 or 3 times guys coming after Ben from Simmons' territory. Simply, Kendall Simmons and Willie Colon need to get it together. Sort it out dicks.


3. Late Game Defensive Breakdown: Listen. When you score a touchdown to tie things up with a minute left on the clock, all you need to do is make sure the other team does not move the ball into field goal range. Obviously we forgot that we had just come back to TIE IT UP and had not ACTUALLY WON the game yet. All we needed was 1:10 worth of solid defensive play. And what happened? Completion to the tight end for 16 yards (with a really nice offsides penalty, though it didn't mean anything...thank you Clark Haggans). Completion to Brandon Marshall, who shat on us all game, for 9 yards. A Silverback Offsides penalty = 1st down at the 50 for Denver. Completion to Glenn Martinez (anyone know who that is? Me neither...) for 11 yards. Another completion to the other tight end for 9 yards and a 49 yard Jason Elam field goal sends us home with our tails between our legs. Seriously, that did NOT look like what you would expect from the #1 defense in the league. Coming in, we had let up 47 points all season. Last night we gave them 31. What more can I say?

There you have it. My slightly less than full roster of positives and negatives from last night's losing effort. I find it appropriate that Denver only scored 3 points in the entire 4th quarter and it happened to be the only 3 points that mattered. And just for the record, anyone who thought Jason Elam was going to miss from 49 yards, you're nuts. The guy has been hitting 49 yarders in Denver since the god damn early 90s.

So I guess overall I'd say while I'm discouraged because we lost a very winnable game, I did see a few things that were encouraging as well. We can't dig ourselves holes with turnovers, but at least when we did, the team responded and showed us that we are not just a team that plays from ahead (though we certainly like to). Which is important if we have any hopes of a playoff run this year.

Anyways, after that novel of an entry, I'm done. If you need me, I'll be here at my desk until 5:30 trying not to screw anything up royally. It's Monday. Kill me.

Game Recaps:
[Behind The Steel Curtain]
[Blitzburgh Report]
[Die Hard Steel]
[D.C. Steeler Nation]
[Joey Porter's Pit Bulls]
[Mondesi's House]
[Nonstop Steelers]

[Associated Press]
[Post-Gazette]
[Tribune-Review]
[SteelCityInsider]
[ESPN Boxscore]

Manufacturing News 101....

More like repurposing...

Since there hasn't been a whole lot of news from Steelers country the past few days, I'm using a combination of superior wit and good looks (ok, you got me...mostly wit) to provide the hopefully-entertaining commentary/links below. Enjoy!

• Talk about being a little behind the curve...Matt Mosley at ESPN gives Sepulveda a nod...the same nod I gave him here, on May 2...


• Willie Colon, starting Right Tackle? Good thing Max Starks is making close to 2 million bones this season...vs. $360k for Colon


• The one that got away?...I'd rather have somewhat less production but better work ethic/attitude anyday...but that's just me.


• For that matter - Free Agent Losses (98-01) and (02-06)...I'll be starting the Yancy Thigpen fan club shortly...also, let the record state that the Steelers let Mike Vrabel slip away.


• Santonionioniono...


• Care For a Beverage Mr. Cotter?


• The Cowher era personnel poaching continues...although I guess technically it's not poaching if they're no longer with the team...whatever, I'll still call it poaching. Makes me wonder, who are Whis/Grimm going to go after next? I hear Andre Frazier can be had for a price...shh, don't tell Cincinnati


• Oh yeah, Joey Porter plead guilty to assaulting Levi Jones...his dogs on the other hand plead no contest