OFTOT Week In Review...

You know, every week I sit down here at my laptop on Saturday morning with little to no idea what I'm going to write for the Week In Review. And because I'm an idiot, I actually enjoy this exercise. It forces me to use my creativity and find something of absolute zero consequence to write about that most of you will probably ignore.

Some might say it's an exercise in futility. Others might say that those "some" are a bunch of assholes.

Bottom line - Nobody's right here.

Anyways, the good news is - after I sat down this morning with zero in mind and no good prospects on the horizon, I read that a bunch of dudes moved in free agency and via trades. So now I get to cynically comment on each move.

Should be a pretty good time...

First, and most importantly, Matt Cassel is now a Kansas City Chief. I'm calling this one "Scott Pioli's Revenge." Kind of like Montezuma's revenge, only without the loose bowel movements. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that. It's certainly possible that someone out there has diarrhea over this move. Either way, anytime you're talking about someone who is or once was a Patriot, feces is always an appropriate theme.

How big is this for Kansas City? HUGE.

I shat on Matt Cassel all last year. But the fact is, he wasn't altogether terrible. And they don't even have a running game in New England. Not that KC's running game is any better right now with Larry Johnson's future not set in stone. But provided he could return to form on the field, and stop being a miserable human being off of it, the Chiefs could have a decent offense with Dwayne Bowe still making plays and Tony Gonzalez reluctantly [at the moment] hanging around.

That said, having Randy Moss, Wes Welker and the rest of New England's wide receivers undoubtedly gave Cassel some help that he just won't have in KC. So, who the hell knows?

On another note, how awesome is it that the man who took over for Tom Brady is now teammates with the guy who took down Tom Brady? Pretty awesome, I think.

Second, Albert Haynesworth is now a Washington Redskin. As rich as Daniel Snyder is, I think the government will actually be sending HIM bailout money when he's unable to pay out the $100 million he committed to Albert Haynesworth over the next 7 years. Especially if you consider that the 'Skins also signed Deangelo Hall this week for $55 million, and Derrick Dockery for $26.5 million.

Gotta love that uncapped 2010 season. If this is any indication of what's in store, it sounds like it's going to be a circus show.

Third, Sage Rosenfels is now a Minnesota Viking. I'm not sure what else I can say about this that I didn't already say earlier this week. If this is Brad Childress' plan for the Vikings, someone oughta make sure he's got his resume updated on Monster.com.

Sage Rosenfels? I mean, I kind of shat on Lord Byron's chances of signing as a starter elsewhere, but I would take Byron over Sage effing Rosenfels every day of the week. Or how about Jeff Garcia?

Of course, now that I say that, Rosenfels will probably make the Pro Bowl or something. Whatever.

And last but certainly not least, the Cleveland Browns traded the Soldier, K2, to Tampa for undisclosed draft picks. I like to call this one "Cleaning Up Phil Savage's Mess."

Why? Well, think about it.

So far this week we've heard that Mangina and Kokinis are not super hot on Brady Quinn, and that their major 2008 offseason acquisition, Shaun Rogers, wants out of Cleveland. Now, they had to trade one of their best offensive players to Tampa for draft picks, because Phil Savage traded all of their valuable picks away to get Brady Quinn and Shaun Rogers (Corey Williams too).

The irony is palpable.

Sometimes I almost feel sorry for Browns fans. But then I remember that I'm a dick.

Anyways, there were numerous other moves, including Bart Scott and Stacy Andrews moving out of the AFC North, and Dominique Foxworth moving in, but I'm tired of talking about this, and you probably stopped reading after the first paragraph about Matt Cassel. So I think it's time to just get down to business.

With that in mind, I give you this week's feats of strength...I mean, OFTOT news.

This week we...

1. Babbled on about ridiculous things like The Oscars, pictures of dudes with their thumbs up and the NFL combine...

2. Had some fun with random headlines...

3. Expounded upon plans for the eventual new and improved One For The Other Thumb...

4. Sarcastically related OFTOT's State of the Union...

5. Made fun of how young Benny looked in this article from 2001...

6. Reported that Santonio waived his right to a preliminary hearing and that this move was completely irrelevant. Also, that Jeff Reed is a dick...

7. I'll let my headline speak for me - "This Colon Refuses to Be Cleansed"...

8. Used Jeff Saturday as an excuse to screw around with Photoshop and YouTube. Fun times all around...

9. Said goodbye to Kendall Simmons American Idol style, with a slideshow of failures set to Daniel Powter's "You Had A Bad Day"...

10. Met some cool ass new friends...

11. Reported that Kemo loves Pittsburgh. And also that he re-signed with the Steelers for 5 more years...

A lot of dicking around with current affairs this week, by the way. Which I'm kind of into. Of course, Steelers news will always take precedent here. But not if it's something like Mike Tomlin taking a dump on Larry Zierling's desk. That kind of shit, pun intended, is better left undiscussed. That and anything equivalent, like mock drafts.

It's pushing 2:30 in the afternoon now, and I'm already tired. So I'm going to go take a nap. And by "take a nap," of course I mean read 200 pages of material for next week's classes and write a paper. It just doesn't get any better than that on a Saturday, does it?

As usual, unless something life changing happens before Monday, this'll do it for the week of February 22-28 on OFTOT. I'll see y'all on Monday for another exciting week of words that mean nothing.

Cheers, kids!

PS - The toilet humor infused throughout this post was completely unintentional. It is nice to know that I'm subconsciously consistent, though.

Shit, I almost forgot! Malkin...

SNIPER.

Obligatory Footer - If you haven't already, become a fan of OFTOT on Facebook, join the blog network and follow me on Twitter. Or don't. Your choice, really.

AFC North Headline Of The Day...

Oh, Mangina. You're gonna have some big shoes to fill out there in Cle-heave-land (copyright JPPB). No really, some BIG shoes...some big britches too...


Hope you are planning on bringing your appetite with you. Though, judging by your current girth, I figure you've got a good shot at following in ol Romeo's footsteps.

One might ask - Eric, do you really think this is a good career move? Me, personally, I wouldn't have even interviewed, but you know, more power to you. I applaud your idiocy optimism. And hey, at least you picked one of the teams that won't mind if you string together two or three disappointing seasons. They're used to it. Plus, you won't have to deal with Brett Favre. Actually, on the contrary, I'll bet Brady Quinn is a dream to work with. He can hold his clipboard AND yours like nobody else can. Maybe he can even get you some free Myoplex. Which reminds me, suck up all the team schwag you can. Wait, they're not paying you in schwag, are they? Oh right, and one more thing - invest in a closet full of shower sandals. I hear a Staph infection is pretty fierce!

As for the Browns, I guess they must think that the Patriots are a farm team or something. What's that obsession all about? I mean, I know the Pats are supposedly this century's first "dynasty," but like, how well did Romeo work out? Stallworth? Did Pioli even interview?

Whatever. This has failure written all over it.

Anyways, Mangina may be entering a world of pain, but these links will hurt so good (Did I seriously just reference John Cougar Mellencamp? Jesus, that's bleak)...

More toasting of the Steelers from China [PSaMP]

Even the LA Times, a major paper in a city with no NFL franchise, knows that the Steelers Offense is a farce...this is getting embarrassing [LA Times]

LT "doubtful" with torn labia tendon in his nether regions...so why do I feel like he'll still play? [Associated Press]

King of journalism = Ed Bouchette [Post-Gazette]

Browns hire Mangina, Braylon Edwards decides to train in Europe. That's rather interesting... [Orange and Brown Report]

Old School jersey war! I gotta say, though. HB - A Browns Testaverde? Dude. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante and Tirico Suave]

Pac Man Jones, like Anthony Smith, is obviously still mentally challenged [Shutdown Corner]

Best. Photoshop. Ever? [Carbolic Smoke Ball]

And finally, it's "Hip-Hop Songs That Sample Old Shit" day at the Riffs. So, um, be sure to check that out...or something... [Friday Morning Riffs]

Cue ridiculous picture of Mangina...doing something?

Thumb's Up, It's Cool...

Yes, I went with the obvious joke. So sue me.

31-0. As it should have been.

But at what cost?

Sure, it's only a concussion. But of all things you thought could happen yesterday, was that one?

I'm not going to lie, if it wasn't for the defensive plays yesterday, Ben going down like that would've pretty much ruined the game for me. And tell me you weren't wondering why Hines etc. were still in during the 4th quarter when we were already well in control of that game.

Anyways, not much really to say. The Browns looked like a Mickey Mouse league team out there. And a shitty one at that. Starting a 4th string QB who'd spent a whole two weeks with the team. Running Cribbs and Harrison out of the wildcat. Eek.

Too bad the Lions didn't get to play the Browns this season, or maybe they wouldn't have gone winless.

Probably wouldn't have prevented Phil Savage and Romeo Crennel from getting fired, though.

So I could go on about things that are of very little consequence. But I won't.

Instead, here are the "Things That Were Awesome," "Things That Were Not Awesome," and "Things That Made Me Switch to Hard Liquor"...

THINGS THAT WERE AWESOME
1. Tyrone Carter - 3 solo tackles, 2 picks, 1 TD and a partridge in a pear tree

You better call Ty-rone!

2. Hines Ward - 6 catches for 70 yds, making it 1043 yds for the season!


3. The Law - Involved in 8 tackles!


4. Nice to see Master Fly W. Large finally get in the end zone...


5. Anthony Smith didn't do anything dumb!


THINGS THAT WERE NOT AWESOME
1. Sitting by myself at the bar. At least I coerced the waitress into letting me sit in the back room where I could have a whole TV to myself. Still had to listen to Giants fans bellow, though...

"Yeah, WOOOOOO, that's what I'm talking about, bro! Yo bro, Did you see Ward on that run? Aw bro, it was sick like my blowout haircut! Hair gel in the hoooouuuussseee! Chest bump! After this, let's celebrate and go tanning!"

...my apologies in advance to all of my sensible Giants fan friends, who are all relatively decent human beings...

2. The fact that we had to challenge this...


3. Willie Colon's holding penalty, negating Nate Washington's 41 yd TD play.


4. Gradkowski's QB rating...1


5. Another one of these...


THINGS THAT MADE ME SWITCH TO HARD LIQUOR
1. This...


2. This...


3. This...


4. This...


5. This...


We've now got two weeks off. A few beers. A few laughs. Our troubles are over. Let's hope Big Ben drinks his milk.

It's either the Colts or the Chargers on January 11th. And given our last games with these clowns, methinks we better be ready to throw down. One and done is for the Cowboys. This team is headed for the AFC Championship game...I hope.

Here's your Week 17 flipbook...


Say Mike, you need a Defensive Coach?


Yeah, where was your life?


I once went on a date with a chick who had those earrings. Not even making that up.


Dead man walking.


What's up buttercup?...


I like your smile...


Hey, how'd this picture of my girlfriend get in here? Ooops!


Still holdin' that clipboard like nobody's business, jacked up hand and all...


I've got my eye on you, ref.


That'll do, Dan. That'll do...

Joke of the Day = You know how you know you're going to lose in fantasy?

When your opponent's DEFENSE puts up 33 pts to lead his team in scoring. Hey Eagles Defense, drown yourselves. I hate you. But congratulations to Pat from WHYGAVS! As you can see, I didn't even have a winning record during the regular season. So this happening was about as inevitable as Clay Aiken admitting his gayness.

Random Question of the Day = Cris Colinsworth thinks Carolina's headed to the Super Bowl...

You buyin' that?

The Pulse of Eagles Nation = 10 bucks says Silky Johnson was partying last night like it was 2004.

I can only hope there was no roof access. Congrats on playoffs, jagoff!

Ok, last thing...I promise. Check out this guy's sweet moves...

Do Chargers fans know how to party or what?

You know the drill. Lay your assessments on me!

Smartest Thing Cleveland's Done All Year...

Phil Savage to the unemployment line.

Yes, this is the thanks you get for drafting Brady Quinn.

It's not so bad, though. I hear the Bengals are looking to hire a GM. And, you know, they suck too. So you should feel right at home. Plus, Marvin Lewis has but one winning season in his coaching tenure and he has yet to be fired. So you'll have that going for you...which is nice.

And hey, if it makes you feel any better, it looks as though Romeo Crennel will be joining you shortly.

That said, anyone who tells you it was nobody's fault is wrong. It was yours.

Keep it real, Phil.

Lock It Down, Wood...

Apologies in advance, Gradkowski
But you're on the tracks and a train's comin' through
So, with all due respect
Today, it sucks to be you

It may not be Silverback
Nor will it be Ryan Clark
But it doesn't really matter
Whoever it is will leave their mark

This game doesn't mean much
The starters will rest a bit
In fact, I hear on the sidelines
Arian's is gonna teach Ben how to knit

It really is sorry
The state the Browns are in
But that all said
I wouldn't really mind a win

Not much more really to say
I hope to enjoy the game
Well, I guess I really mean
That I hope it isn't too lame

Hit play, sit back, take in these images and GET FIRED UP!



Forget about it Cleveland, it ain't happenin'.


Sweet shirt. Fruitcakes.


This is what happens when you're a Browns fan, Larry.


He can't save you now...


My Mom's got a better six pack.


Veto'd.


You're just lucky we're saving the wildcat for January!


You said it, man.


Ain't that a kick in the...nuts...

HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!

Um, No...

3rd Grade English FAIL!

Hey kid, when you mean the contraction form of "you are," there's an "e" on the end and an apostrophe before the "r."

Who's tired? Raise your hand. What? Only me? Shit. Guess I better write something then, huh?

Ok, fine.

So it's Browns week, right?

You'd think that'd make it super easy to find things to write about. But what do you want me to write about? How the Browns might be starting Bruce Gradkowski on Sunday? How Brady Quinn may/may not have been punched in the face by Shaun Smith (more on this for AFC North Headline of the Day)? How Chris Mortenson reported last night that the Browns are already searching for a new coach?

Well, I'll tell you one thing. That last one's out, 'cause these days Mort is about as credible as sports blog #57,690.

How about this?

The Browns are in a perpetual state of suckage right now. So the low hanging fruit is Browns Failblog. Below you'll find a bunch of Browns failures, complete with my own failed endeavors into being a decent human being and/or writer. Can you believe I only took one English class in College? I know. Me neither!

Oooooo, pretty pictures...


Jenny Craig FAIL!


Beard Fail! Shave that shit, man. You're embarrassing yourself.


Mascot Fail!


Not looking like a turd FAIL! You three look like total butt nuggets.


Reception Fail! You're supposed to throw it to Braylon Edwards, Ken.


Oh noes, not againz!


FAIL! Yeah, you too, Marvin. And you don't even have anything to do with the Browns.


NOT Fail. Josh Cribbs is the only Brown I fear...Special Teams, I'm looking in your direction.


Turnover Fail! I've always found that it helps to hold onto the ball when you get a turnover. But that's just me.

And finally...

Judgment Fail! What're ya plannin' to do with that bottle there, fella?

You guys got any of your own you'd like to share? I left y'all a few gaping holes in there. Find 'em for a gold star...