OFTOT Week In Review...

You know, every week I sit down here at my laptop on Saturday morning with little to no idea what I'm going to write for the Week In Review. And because I'm an idiot, I actually enjoy this exercise. It forces me to use my creativity and find something of absolute zero consequence to write about that most of you will probably ignore.

Some might say it's an exercise in futility. Others might say that those "some" are a bunch of assholes.

Bottom line - Nobody's right here.

Anyways, the good news is - after I sat down this morning with zero in mind and no good prospects on the horizon, I read that a bunch of dudes moved in free agency and via trades. So now I get to cynically comment on each move.

Should be a pretty good time...

First, and most importantly, Matt Cassel is now a Kansas City Chief. I'm calling this one "Scott Pioli's Revenge." Kind of like Montezuma's revenge, only without the loose bowel movements. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that. It's certainly possible that someone out there has diarrhea over this move. Either way, anytime you're talking about someone who is or once was a Patriot, feces is always an appropriate theme.

How big is this for Kansas City? HUGE.

I shat on Matt Cassel all last year. But the fact is, he wasn't altogether terrible. And they don't even have a running game in New England. Not that KC's running game is any better right now with Larry Johnson's future not set in stone. But provided he could return to form on the field, and stop being a miserable human being off of it, the Chiefs could have a decent offense with Dwayne Bowe still making plays and Tony Gonzalez reluctantly [at the moment] hanging around.

That said, having Randy Moss, Wes Welker and the rest of New England's wide receivers undoubtedly gave Cassel some help that he just won't have in KC. So, who the hell knows?

On another note, how awesome is it that the man who took over for Tom Brady is now teammates with the guy who took down Tom Brady? Pretty awesome, I think.

Second, Albert Haynesworth is now a Washington Redskin. As rich as Daniel Snyder is, I think the government will actually be sending HIM bailout money when he's unable to pay out the $100 million he committed to Albert Haynesworth over the next 7 years. Especially if you consider that the 'Skins also signed Deangelo Hall this week for $55 million, and Derrick Dockery for $26.5 million.

Gotta love that uncapped 2010 season. If this is any indication of what's in store, it sounds like it's going to be a circus show.

Third, Sage Rosenfels is now a Minnesota Viking. I'm not sure what else I can say about this that I didn't already say earlier this week. If this is Brad Childress' plan for the Vikings, someone oughta make sure he's got his resume updated on Monster.com.

Sage Rosenfels? I mean, I kind of shat on Lord Byron's chances of signing as a starter elsewhere, but I would take Byron over Sage effing Rosenfels every day of the week. Or how about Jeff Garcia?

Of course, now that I say that, Rosenfels will probably make the Pro Bowl or something. Whatever.

And last but certainly not least, the Cleveland Browns traded the Soldier, K2, to Tampa for undisclosed draft picks. I like to call this one "Cleaning Up Phil Savage's Mess."

Why? Well, think about it.

So far this week we've heard that Mangina and Kokinis are not super hot on Brady Quinn, and that their major 2008 offseason acquisition, Shaun Rogers, wants out of Cleveland. Now, they had to trade one of their best offensive players to Tampa for draft picks, because Phil Savage traded all of their valuable picks away to get Brady Quinn and Shaun Rogers (Corey Williams too).

The irony is palpable.

Sometimes I almost feel sorry for Browns fans. But then I remember that I'm a dick.

Anyways, there were numerous other moves, including Bart Scott and Stacy Andrews moving out of the AFC North, and Dominique Foxworth moving in, but I'm tired of talking about this, and you probably stopped reading after the first paragraph about Matt Cassel. So I think it's time to just get down to business.

With that in mind, I give you this week's feats of strength...I mean, OFTOT news.

This week we...

1. Babbled on about ridiculous things like The Oscars, pictures of dudes with their thumbs up and the NFL combine...

2. Had some fun with random headlines...

3. Expounded upon plans for the eventual new and improved One For The Other Thumb...

4. Sarcastically related OFTOT's State of the Union...

5. Made fun of how young Benny looked in this article from 2001...

6. Reported that Santonio waived his right to a preliminary hearing and that this move was completely irrelevant. Also, that Jeff Reed is a dick...

7. I'll let my headline speak for me - "This Colon Refuses to Be Cleansed"...

8. Used Jeff Saturday as an excuse to screw around with Photoshop and YouTube. Fun times all around...

9. Said goodbye to Kendall Simmons American Idol style, with a slideshow of failures set to Daniel Powter's "You Had A Bad Day"...

10. Met some cool ass new friends...

11. Reported that Kemo loves Pittsburgh. And also that he re-signed with the Steelers for 5 more years...

A lot of dicking around with current affairs this week, by the way. Which I'm kind of into. Of course, Steelers news will always take precedent here. But not if it's something like Mike Tomlin taking a dump on Larry Zierling's desk. That kind of shit, pun intended, is better left undiscussed. That and anything equivalent, like mock drafts.

It's pushing 2:30 in the afternoon now, and I'm already tired. So I'm going to go take a nap. And by "take a nap," of course I mean read 200 pages of material for next week's classes and write a paper. It just doesn't get any better than that on a Saturday, does it?

As usual, unless something life changing happens before Monday, this'll do it for the week of February 22-28 on OFTOT. I'll see y'all on Monday for another exciting week of words that mean nothing.

Cheers, kids!

PS - The toilet humor infused throughout this post was completely unintentional. It is nice to know that I'm subconsciously consistent, though.

Shit, I almost forgot! Malkin...

SNIPER.

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