Listen, I'm Injured, You're Injured...

Alright, well clearly I'm all about tardiness today. I'm really living the mantra - fashionably late. Things happen. I work. At a real job. Where they actually pay me (sort of). That ironically requires more of my attention on a Friday than on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. But hey, whatever. Shit's rough nowadays, right?

Anyways, we've got this game against the Washington Redskins on Monday Night, in Washington. As of now, I'm not sure if Willie Parker is going to play, but we will have Santonio back. So that's encouraging. Ben's shoulder is still sore (like Najeh Davenport's ass is from sitting on the bench for the last few weeks). But he's surviving. Marvel Smith has some lingering back issues. Spasms or something fun like that. Big Snack and The Wood didn't practice yesterday, for the second day in a row. Which is also encouraging...not. Mitch Berger's plan was to punt some today in practice and decide how he feels about Monday. You'll remember, he's got an ongoing struggle with being an old bag of bones.

As for these 'Skins, stopping Clinton Portis is no small task. That dude is far and away the league's leading rusher with a disgusting 944 yards and it's only Week 9. Of course, the 'Skins haven't had their bye yet. So he's had more chances. But still, the next closest to him is Purple Jesus with 684. Oh, and he's tied for 3rd in touchdowns behind that fat sloppy mess Lendale White (/owns Chris Johnson in fantasy), the Eagles Offense...I mean Brian Westbrook, and that first round bust Reggie Bush. So while I'm sure our Defense is up to it, it certainly isn't going to be as easy as stopping Kenny Watson or even Jamal Lewis.

Beyond that, I think the 'Skins receivers are containable. Jason Campbell's been solid so far this season, but their tallest targets that aren't a Tight End or injured are the underwhelming rookie Devin Thomas at 6'2," and the fear inducing James Thrash at 6'0," neither of whom are starters. Of course, Randle El and Santana Moss are quick and shifty. But will Face Me Ike and Deshea be able to handle them? I think so.

What we've also got in our Corner are injuries. Not ours, we already talked about that. I'm talking about the 'Skins. Here's a list of ailments the 'Skins are currently experiencing...

Pete Kendall (knees/Alan Faneca envy)
Jason Taylor (calf/old man's penis)
LaRon Landry (hamstring/being too hardcore)
Rock Cartwright (knee/invisibility disease)
Clinton Portis (hip and ankle)
Ladell Betts (knee)
Santana Moss (hamstring/dwarfism)
Malcolm Kelly (knee/sucking at his job)
Carlos Rogers (ankle)
Shawn Springs (calf/Todd Heap and/or Donte Stallworth syndrome)
Cornelius Griffin (shoulder/being named Cornelius)
Chris Samuels (knee/31 years of gravitational stress)

And who knows what other kinds of bumps and bruises are lurking, heretofore unnoticed.

So listen up, Steelers. We don't like to lose. And I'm sure you don't either. Especially not to the NFC East, and especially given the nature of our previous losses to the Eagles and Giants. So quit jaggin' around and bring your balls on Monday (Offense, I'm looking at you). You're gonna need 'em. Oh, and if someone could supply Willie Colon with a pair that'd be cool. Matthias Kiwanuka took his from him last Sunday along with his dignity. Your help in the matter will be much appreciated. Thanks.

That's all I got for now.

Any thoughts?

Jim Zorn Ain't Got Nothing On This Guy...

High up on the list of "most unattractive pictures I've ever taken"

When I began to write this post, I didn't intend for it to become a rant reminiscent of Jim Zorn's press conference this past weekend. And yet, fittingly, that's kind of what it became.

Try not be deterred by my forcefulness. It's just that sometimes I read things that get me real fired up. As fired up as I get when I watch that Guitar Hero commercial with A-Rod, Kobe, Tony Hawk, and Michael EFFING Phelps. Seriously, how is Michael Phelps on the same level as Tony Hawk? I mean, I understand that it's a commercial for a video game where you play pop rock favorites on plastic instruments. But, really? 8 gold medals. Fan-effing-tastic. How about the three other guys in that commercial have an upwards of 10 years each dominating their respective sports (well, not really gAy-Rod). Not to mention the shit just sucks. Oh, you've got four sports figures looking like Tom Cruise in Risky Business? Isn't that real God damn clever. Well shit, I'm gonna go run right out and buy that game for $100(?). Does it come with A-Rod in his skivvies? ME-OW.

Errrr...moving on to that rant I mentioned...

Oh God, the big bad NFC East is beating up on the poor little Steelers and their poor QB, Big Ben. Honestly, Associated Press? This is a story? Because the Eagles sacked Ben nine times en route to a nine point victory and the Giants sacked Ben five times en route to a seven point victory, all of a sudden the Steelers have the insurmountable task of beating their NFC East brethren, the Washington Redskins...who will be without two starting D-Lineman and a starting Corner? Um, forgive me if I'm not pissing myself in fear. Come the eff on, man. First of all, they lost to the Rams. At home. One week after the Rams fired their previous Coach. Powerhouse, indeed. But let's table that discussion for now.

This report says...

"Just as worrisome for the Steelers is that playing every team in the NFL’s best division is taking a physical toll, too."

Ok, dude. Playing EVERY team in EVERY division can take a physical toll. Frankly, I'm not exactly ready to single out the NFC East as the division that's going to muscle the Steelers right out of playoff contention. Give me a break. To my mind, we just played the best team that division has to offer anyhow.

Dallas is a bunch of cry babies who were only winning because they were playing inferior teams. Tony Romo is a little bitch who will crumble the minute James Harrison so much as breathes on him. And T.O.? Don't even get me started. That dude better get HIS popcorn ready. Because the hurtin' the Steelers are going to put on the Cowboys is going to be one for the record books. I just have a feeling. Big D? Let's see, does that D stand for divas, dickbags or douchebags? I know it doesn't stand for Defense. Oh, and they lost to the Rams at home too.

As for Washington? Putting aside the fact that, in reality, I respect them greatly, their average margin of victory this year is approximately five. FIVE God damn points. Now, we certainly haven't been blowing our respectable opponents away, but 3 out of their six wins have been decided by five points or less. PLUS, they haven't even had their bye week yet. And oh yeah, THEY LOST TO THE RAMS! AT HOME!

And another thing - the report intimates that because guys like Willie Parker, Casey Hampton and Ryan Clark were injured during games against the NFC East this automatically means that those teams were so physical against us that we might as well have employed an entire floor's worth of hospital staff. Eff that! Willie Parker broke his God damn leg not even a year ago! And Casey Hampton? Turf toe, dude. Turf toe. It's not like he's sucking bananas, peas and carrots through a straw. Ryan Clark? Do I even need to explain this one? The guy has no effing spleen for Christ's sake! So again, FAIL!

How about this - the NFC East is having such great success against the Steelers because they've been exploiting a weakness so glaringly obvious that my Mom, who knows nothing of this foosball game we're always talking about, knows about it. WE SUCK AT PASS BLOCKING! DUH! This isn't the cure for cancer, here. You blitz our line, you start racking up the sacks. Particularly on the right side. Willie Colon? Yeah, he gave up at least three sacks to the Eagles and most recently, three sacks to Matthias Kiwanuka, who subsequently won the NFL's Defensive Player of the Week award. So out of the 14 sacks registered between our two previous NFC East opponents, almost HALF came from Willie Colon (and I'm only counting sacks registered by the Right Defensive End...not even linebackers).

Bottom line - the success of the Eagles and Giants came principally from their ability to play patty cake with Big Ben. If the line decides to block and Ben decides to make good decisions with the football, I see no reason why recent history should dictate the outcome in this one. That's why they play the games. Am I wrong?

Either way, Associated Press, your story sucks! And I have nothing else to say in the matter.

/end rant

Well It Certainly Is Offensive...

Forty-seven sacks later the Steelers lose all-world Guard Alan Faneca to the New York Jets and.....................the projected Offensive Line, according to Ed Bouchette, includes Marvel Smith and Willie Colon at Tackle, Chris Kemo-EAT-U and Kendall Simmons at Guard, and Justin Hartwig at Center.

Comforting?

In other Steelers news....

1. Jeff Reed Has Bitch Tits [Sports by Brooks]
2. Steelers' O-Line Coach Feels Kemoeatu Is Ready [Post-Gazette]
3. Big Ben Makes It Rain On Some Bitches, Literally... [Post-Gazette]
4. A New Threat In The Bengals Backfield? [MJD]
5. Congrats To The Sexiest Woman In The World [FHM Online]

No Two Players Are Not Being Franchised...

Ladies and Gents, the latest "honoree" in this vicious outbreak of franchising is Jordan Gross, OL from the Carolina Panthers.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could justify doing something like this to one of our own Offensive Lineman?

I'll let you ponder that on your own...

PS - If you don't know what the post title is in reference to, please go directly to HomestarRunner.com and watch this.

REFERENCE MATERIAL:
Tackle Gross Gets Franchise Tag from Panthers [ESPN]