Listen, I'm Injured, You're Injured...

Alright, well clearly I'm all about tardiness today. I'm really living the mantra - fashionably late. Things happen. I work. At a real job. Where they actually pay me (sort of). That ironically requires more of my attention on a Friday than on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. But hey, whatever. Shit's rough nowadays, right?

Anyways, we've got this game against the Washington Redskins on Monday Night, in Washington. As of now, I'm not sure if Willie Parker is going to play, but we will have Santonio back. So that's encouraging. Ben's shoulder is still sore (like Najeh Davenport's ass is from sitting on the bench for the last few weeks). But he's surviving. Marvel Smith has some lingering back issues. Spasms or something fun like that. Big Snack and The Wood didn't practice yesterday, for the second day in a row. Which is also encouraging...not. Mitch Berger's plan was to punt some today in practice and decide how he feels about Monday. You'll remember, he's got an ongoing struggle with being an old bag of bones.

As for these 'Skins, stopping Clinton Portis is no small task. That dude is far and away the league's leading rusher with a disgusting 944 yards and it's only Week 9. Of course, the 'Skins haven't had their bye yet. So he's had more chances. But still, the next closest to him is Purple Jesus with 684. Oh, and he's tied for 3rd in touchdowns behind that fat sloppy mess Lendale White (/owns Chris Johnson in fantasy), the Eagles Offense...I mean Brian Westbrook, and that first round bust Reggie Bush. So while I'm sure our Defense is up to it, it certainly isn't going to be as easy as stopping Kenny Watson or even Jamal Lewis.

Beyond that, I think the 'Skins receivers are containable. Jason Campbell's been solid so far this season, but their tallest targets that aren't a Tight End or injured are the underwhelming rookie Devin Thomas at 6'2," and the fear inducing James Thrash at 6'0," neither of whom are starters. Of course, Randle El and Santana Moss are quick and shifty. But will Face Me Ike and Deshea be able to handle them? I think so.

What we've also got in our Corner are injuries. Not ours, we already talked about that. I'm talking about the 'Skins. Here's a list of ailments the 'Skins are currently experiencing...

Pete Kendall (knees/Alan Faneca envy)
Jason Taylor (calf/old man's penis)
LaRon Landry (hamstring/being too hardcore)
Rock Cartwright (knee/invisibility disease)
Clinton Portis (hip and ankle)
Ladell Betts (knee)
Santana Moss (hamstring/dwarfism)
Malcolm Kelly (knee/sucking at his job)
Carlos Rogers (ankle)
Shawn Springs (calf/Todd Heap and/or Donte Stallworth syndrome)
Cornelius Griffin (shoulder/being named Cornelius)
Chris Samuels (knee/31 years of gravitational stress)

And who knows what other kinds of bumps and bruises are lurking, heretofore unnoticed.

So listen up, Steelers. We don't like to lose. And I'm sure you don't either. Especially not to the NFC East, and especially given the nature of our previous losses to the Eagles and Giants. So quit jaggin' around and bring your balls on Monday (Offense, I'm looking at you). You're gonna need 'em. Oh, and if someone could supply Willie Colon with a pair that'd be cool. Matthias Kiwanuka took his from him last Sunday along with his dignity. Your help in the matter will be much appreciated. Thanks.

That's all I got for now.

Any thoughts?

WHO Needs Protection?

Boy, it's a shame he knows so much about preventing unplanned pregnancies and STDs and not enough about making Offensive adjustments. Then, we might actually have something! Anyways, these ears have heard whispers that Tomlin had a little chat with Arians sometime in the past couple of days, the net of which was...

"Get your shit together. This Offense is not working. And you're pissing everyone off."

I'm paraphrasing, of course. And in the interest of full disclosure, I've yet to actually see this reported anywhere in print. So I can't really attest to it's validity. But who needs validity? This is a friggin' blog! Nonetheless, if true, I think Tomlin and I are aligned on this one...as I imagine most of you are as well.

You know, it's funny. I used to try and defend Arians.

"Come on, you guys. He's somewhat new to this team. We gotta cut him some slack. Besides, he went to Temple. That automatically means an extra three months of 'getting up to speed.'"

But I'm over that shit. Last week was brutal. This week made me sicker than that two year old smiley cookie I consumed. If left unaddressed, I fear that next week I just might smash something.

Listen up, Arians. You fool. I'm sure you know full well how to call plays. Quit jaggin' around and use that gray matter you've got occupying the otherwise vacant space between your ears. You know the score here. The line can't pass block for more than 3-5 seconds, we're so desperate for a healthy running back that we've brought back the closet shitter. And Ben likes to think he can outrun eight dudes on every play. What's so difficult to plan for? You know what happened, yes? Yes? Did we steal your Frosted Flakes or something? Come on, man. Dick LeBeau is keeping his end of the bargain. So what's the deal?

Either way, should you decide NOT to alter the gameplan Sunday against Jacksonville Jagoffville, here is a list of potential consequences...

1. Spend a night as Greg Lloyd's sparring partner
2. Serve as Jeff Reed's bathroom photographer during the bye week
3. Get traded to Cleveland
4. Wash Larry Zierling's dirty undies for the next six months
5. I hear Steely McBeam needs a designated driver

And that's just off the top of my head. We've still got three days 'til gameday. Don't make me get creative.

So now that you've heard what I have to say, I'd love to hear you all wax philosophical about all this...what say you, friends?

Now, on a completely unrelated note, today's is my buddy Drew's birthday. So I'd like to take a moment and wish this jagoff a Happy Birthday. Drew is a good friend, rarely seen 'round these parts, but for one Meeting People Is Easy a couple of weeks back. This is mostly because he can hardy remember to get his picks in by Sunday at Noon, let alone the URL of this blog. Besides, he's an Eagles fan. Nevertheless, Drew, Happy Birthday, you sloppy mess! Drink a few 10 for me, brotha! Oh, and lest ye think ye can escape this blog's ire...

I can't tell you how hard it was to photoshop a party hat on that massive cranium of yours. Seriously, that's a big head, dude...

...That's what she said.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Ok, I'm done now.

I promise.

This is really the end.

Why are you still reading?

Howmuchwoodcouldalamarrwoodleychuckchuckifalamarrwoodleychuckcouldchuckwood...

What's up now?

Secured!

Not pictured: Snipers Silverback and The Wood.

As they say, a win is a win.

Things that were awesome...
1. Silverback and LaMarr Woodley combining for four of five total sacks
2. Santonio's catch and run on the play that sparked all our momentum
3. Jeff Reed
4. Mewelde Moore and Carey Davis stepping up
5. Winning and being 1st in the division with a leg up on Bawlmore and Cleveland

Things that were not awesome...
1. Joe Flacco marching the Ratbirds down the field to tie it up
2. Multiple false start penalties on same drive
3. Mitch Berger's stat line - Average Punt = 40 yards
4. Listening to Jaws whisper sweet nothings about Joe Flacco all night
5. The game ending at 12:15 or some such ungodly hour for a blogger with a real job

Things that sucked...
1. The 1st half
2. Big Ben IN the 1st half
3. Bruce Arians' PLAY CALLING in the 1st half
4. Mendenhall and Simmons to IR?
5. Ray Lewis comparing himself to Michael Strahan

"Full" game recap post may follow later this morning. Until then...what say you, Steeler brethren?

Oh, and while I'm getting my act together, witness the celebratory idiocy...

Ever since I was a lower case c
But now I'm a big C
The girls see I got the money
$100 $5 bills y'all...