It Must Be Wednesday, Chris Henry's Run Afoul Of The Law...

"Don't you know who I am?"
- Chris Henry

Ok, so at least this time he didn't get arrested. But on the "eve" of what marked the end of his suspension from the NFL, Chris Henry got into a little spat with a parking attendant over a parking fee...As in he refused to pay for parking...

Seriously dude, you just got back from a half-season suspension and the battle you pick is with a parking attendant? I mean, not like we all didn't know it was going to happen. But you'd at least think he'd get caught making it rain like Pacman Jones or shitting in a woman's closet like Najeh Davenport. Nope. Parking fee. Makes you wonder if Henry was born with only half a brain.

Anyways, what I thought might have made this even better was his reaction after the parking attendant pointed out that um, he kind of didn't pay... - namely Henry scolded him, "Don't you know who I am?" whilst throwing a $5 bill on the ground...which they promptly returned to him, and called the cops...who would have definitely known who he was, thank god.

I can just hear the conversation now -

Attendant: "Yeah we've got a dude down here who is refusing to pay $5 for parking...says his name is Chris Henry."

Police Dispatch: "Chris Henry, shit. Cletus, get the holding cell ready, Henry's on the loose again."

And you think Chad Johnson is the problem in Cincy??? Get a clue.

Henry In Altercation With Attendant [SI.com]

Admit It, You Guys Are Just Jealous of Steely McBeam...

It's been made abundantly clear to me this week that Cincinnati has an unhealthy infatuation with the Steelers (read: man-crush). A number of you have commented about what a hard-on the Bungles fans have for the Steelers, and I ask, who could blame them? Steely McBeam is a sexy man...I mean...Who wouldn't be a closet lover of a squad that has had your team's number 6 out of the last 7 times you've played, not to mention has 5 Super Bowl rings? Exxxxaaacctttlly.

I had already gotten a taste of what Bengals fans think about "Steeler Sunday," back in July. Nonetheless, curiosity got the best of me again and I decided to check out what the local media in Cincinnati is saying now about our upcoming game. Is it really that big of an event? How do they figure to approach one of the league's best defenses? Can they handle FWP? Has anyone seen Kijana Carter recently?

What I found, while not overly surprising, certainly confirmed all the rumors. This game means more to Bungles fans than I'd imagine even the Patriots game did. They want to beat us in a bad bad way. So we should NOT take this match up lightly (assuming the Bengals players feel the same way).

Anyways, thought you might be interested in some of what I found. So here' goes:

• Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery: The Bengals are thinking smash mouth football on Sunday...yep, you read that correctly. Cincy is so enchanted with the run after finally having some significant success last week against the Jets, that they want to give it another go against the Steelers. But at least they're practical. They know their rushing attack had not exactly been top notch prior to that game, and that running on the Steelers ain't exactly easy like Paris Hilton.
  
  What I found most interesting was that Marvin Lewis even acknowledged the importance of the run, saying:

  "To have a chance to be successful in our division, you've got to be able to run the football efficiently."

  So then my question is - if you know how important the run is, how come you've emphasized the passing attack so much in the recent past? Seems a little inconsistent to me. Anyways, also included with this article was a nice little table of the last 14 meetings between the Steelers and Bungles, that went a little something like this: Over the last 14 games between them, the Steelers have amassed 2,235 ground yards to Cincy's 1,360, working out to an average of about 160 yards per game for the Steelers and 97 yards per game for the Bungles. Here's to following that trend again on Sunday!


• Injuries: Advantage Pittsburgh. It's never going to be good when we're missing Aaron Smith, but considering Cincy's injury report, I'd say we're in comparatively good shape. As of yesterday, the Bungles will likely be missing the following come Sunday: OT Willie Anderson, LB Ahmad Brooks (looks like Geathers may still be playing LB after all), S Dexter Jackson, HB Rudi Johnson, and LB Caleb Miller. That's an awful lot of defenders to be missing...not to mention your #1 tailback (though Kenny Watson showed that he was no slouch, netting 177 yards and 3 TDs against the Jets). So again, these circumstances bode very well in the Steelers favor...though I'm cautiously optimistic.


• Cincy's Poll Question of the Week: Is selling your game tickets to a Steelers fan, or anyone else for that matter, a cardinal sin for Bengals fans? The most popular response, coming in at a hefty 62% is - "Loyalty rules. You’re not a real Bengals fan if you sell your ticket, and you're a loathsome one for selling it to a Steelers fan." It's all about the Steelers, isn't it? Wonder if anyone has tested this out?
  


• Cincy Post's call for reader submissions: Your Favorite Bengals-Steelers Memories. Pretty entertaining how Steeler fans are even getting in on the fun...

  Classic Comment #1 = "Get over it...a Steelers player didn't break Carson's knee, and that's not what kept the Bengals out of the playoffs. We've won five Super Bowls, how many have the Bengals won? Learn how to spell too...fear, not feer..."

  Classic Comment #2 = "My favorite memory from my years of living in Cincinnati is how every year when the Steelers come to town it is hailed as "Steelers week." Especially since when the Bengals go to Pittsburgh, nobody there care enough to call it "Bengals week." It's an obvious commentary on how much the Bengals fans envy the Steelers and their long-term success, while the Steelers find the Bengals only mildly interesting."

• They're even running Ed Bouchette's assessments of the Steelers...how's that for guerilla tactics. Oh and also highlighting how muchKen Anderson has helped Big Ben, AND how much Mike Tomlin "loved" the town when he coached D-backs at the U of Cincy....you know what, I'll just stop there. Why go on?
  

But there you have it. All the Cincy news that's fit to print...and all of it wreaks of Steeler envy. Let's just hope the Steelers go into "the jungle" and remind these people why they ought to look forward to "Browns Week" a little more.

Welcome To The Jungle...

I'd like to dedicate this post to Chris Henry, who was successfully cleared to practice in Cincy today. Congratu-friggin-lations you worthless sack a' garbage.

Substance of post officially begins now...

We all know Cincinnati is basically a glorified penal colony the way these Bengals have been running afoul of the law for the past two some odd years. Hence, I think they've really lived up to that pseudonym for Paul Brown Stadium, "The Jungle"...IE - it's not just a clever name.

So in the spirit of picking on the Bungles and basically Ohio in general (sorry to any of yinz Stiller fans stuck there), here's a few things that you should be aware of on or before Sunday:

• Stealth Bombers: This is the obvious starting point. In case you have been living in a cave, the Bengals have had a little problem with some pesky rats with wings shitting on fans and in fans food and beverages. I'd say that sucks, but if I made chili with cinnamon (or chocolate!) in it, I'd pretty much expect it to get shit on. Something just isn't right there. PS - if you're attending the game, I highly recommend a hat.


• This: Remember the Bears Super Bowl Shuffle? Well this is way worse than that...just watch it. And please make sure you note the Lil' John knockoff...come to think of it, this should probably be #1...
  


• Conspicuously Large Amounts of Bengals Fans at the game: As if it isn't bad enough that the Bengals have any fans to begin with...the latest in Cincinnati deviance is ticket takers at Paul Brown taking cash to let fans in without tickets. And by cash, I mean $20! Dudes, here's a tip - if you're gonna put your ass on the line like that, at least collect more than a 20! I mean I know the cost of living is lower because it's Ohio, but come on, you can definitely get enough to buy yourself a Chad Johnson Fathead or something...Again, I blame the cinnamon chili. Crazy assholes.


• Ocho Cinco: Speaking of assholes...the heat is on for Chad Johnson. The media is tired of his touchdown celebrations and they're just not going to take it anymore...just don't mention how they previously encouraged it...Anyways, check out this post that includes video of the Keyshawn-Chad interview from ESPN's Sunday pregame. All jokes aside, I think this was the best interview I've seen in a while. Keyshawn told Chad straight up that he's acting like a selfish prick. And by all accounts it had an impact. We'll see if he can contain himself on Sunday. In the meantime, also check out Chad's Myspace page...notice friend #1...and #2...and don't miss the comments.

That's it for now. My apologies to any of you who came looking for substantive analysis today, I ain't got none (er...didn't have time for it). But if you're thirsty for knowledge, take a look at yesterday's post previewing our matchup against the Bungles. And remember, when in Cincinnati, don't eat the chili.

Those Must Be Them Pittsburgh Pigeons ...

Normally I try and limit the amount of non-Steelers coverage on this blog. It's just good form. However, like the Steelers Style feature earlier, I just couldn't resist touching on this one.

Get this, "operators of the Cincinnati Bengals Paul Brown Stadium" have asked for the city's permission to hunt and kill pigeons that have been "pooping" on Bengals fans during home games...Per the article in this morning's Cincinnati Enquirer:

"Pigeon droppings have been falling on patrons and into their food and beverages, according to a letter to the city from Eric Brown, managing director of Paul Brown Stadium Ltd...

He [Brown] asked in his letter that stadium employees who are familiar with firearms be allowed to shoot birds a few days prior to an event, adding that company officials believe the shooting to be a “cost-effective way to get this problem under control."

Wow, birds shitting on and around Bengals fans'? Into their food and beverages? Only in Ohio.

And now look, I'm not gonna say that we might not propose the same solution in Pittsburgh. 'Cause let's face it, in PA, hunting is pretty popular among the masses. But I'm pretty sure there's other ways to handle this problem without hunting pigeons in an NFL stadium. Like, for instance, the team could just stop sucking. I'm pretty sure if the Bengals weren't so worthless, no one would shit on them, including myself and these pigeons. 'Course, I'm being facetious, but I'm just saying, maybe the problem goes deeper than just some pesky, trouble-making, pigeons. Maybe it's the team itself that's encouraging this...either way, something fun to look for on Monday Night Football this week!

Plus, one thing's for sure: come October 28, it ain't gonna be pigeons shitting on these Bengals fans...it's gonna be Tomlin, Big Ben, Fast Willie Parker, and the rest of the Steelers! PS - according to the majority (of the few of you who voted) in the poll this week, you think the Bengals will be the first team to challenge the Steelers. Will you be right? We shall see...

The Official Letter Sent [Cincinnati Enquirer]

More later.

Cincinnati Deviancy At It's Finest...

This just in - it's not just Bengals players that are deviants. Now, even the player's dogs are now engaging in socially unacceptable behavior.

Apparently, the pooch of Bengals CB Deltha O'Neal bit a woman and her child "on the legs and buttocks" at O'Neal's condo yesterday. But never you fear folks, O'Neal, being a not wholly indecent man, took both to the hospital where they were treated for their injuries. The dog, however, is being held for the next 10 days by animal control officials, who will ultimately decide what happens to it. Not that I sympathize with a Bengal or anything, but as a dog lover, I hope he's spared and maybe they can get him into the hands of someone who knows how to handle a domestic animal...

Speaking of domestic animals...that's not all out of Cincy today --

Farbeit from Ocho Cinco to let a week go by without making the headlines with some ridiculous prediction or stunt. This week it's potentially both. Today, Chad made the declaration that in Sunday's game against the Brownies in Cleveland, when he scores a touchdown (and having just faced Cleveland we know he will score at least 2 or 3) he's going to jump straight into the Dawg Pound. Good for him, but lest he forget, it's Cleveland. So he better take at least two post-game showers to cleanse himself.

That's all for now Stiller fans...Cotter, over and out.

Chris Henry Branches Out to Assaulting Minors...

He's not just getting them drunk anymore, Chris Henry is now handing out beat downs to underage teens.

The latest in Henry's long string of troubles with the law is an accusation that he, teammate Reggie McNeill, an (inconspicuously) unidentified white dude and others slapped around a 16 year old male on the side of an Ohio roadway as he was walking with an 18 year old friend. Apparently the 18 year old got away injury-free somehow...anyways, not important.

The report filed states that the teen alleges the white guy randomly jumped out of a vehicle all assailants were travelling in and began punching him in the face. Then, Henry and others joined the white male and "shoved" the teen "to the ground," also throwing beer bottles at him while he tried to flee.

Now I'm no expert, but maybe Chris Henry just needs something to do. Perhaps someone should enroll him in a bowling league, or teach him how to hunt (chances are he'll like wielding a gun anyway), whatever. Just give this man a hobby so he can keep himself out of trouble.

Then again, I would probably miss dumping on him for being an idiot. So on second thought, forget it. Let him self destruct. It's way more entertaining...

See the video report [9 News Cincy]