AFC North Headline Of The Day...

Ah, the truth comes out. Unfortunately, it doesn't involve Chad Johnson punching any of the Bengals coaches. Sigh. Color me disappointed.

Anyways, so it appears that 85 pulled a Plaxico Burress, arriving late to a team meeting and then basically just taking up space while the coaching staff reviewed what were probably some very pressing and important matters...ish. And after repeated attempts by Offensive Coordinator Bob Bratkowski to snap him back to reality, Herr Marvin Lewis stepped in and brought the hammer down on bad boy Chad, sending him home to his mommy. No word on whether Chad will also get detention for this, but I've heard grumblings that they might put him on double top secret probation.

Either way, maybe OC (Ocho Cinco, get it?) should've consulted with his good buddy Donovan McNabb before he played footsie with the Bengals coaching staff. Then again, Donovan McNabb probably wouldn't have known about the rule regarding being on time for team meetings anyhow.

So, Chad - Congratulations on perpetuating your already negative image, dude. You're a model human being.

Well OC may have been late, but these links are right on time...

The Monday Friday Morning Chrysler New Yorker [PSaMP]

MJD thinks the Steelers are one of seven teams that could be in the Super Bowl. God, I hope so. But I can't say I'm that confident right now [Shutdown Corner]

Gary Russel's making more than just a statement about his goal line prowess...he's also showing us that his fashion sense is fierce! [You Lay On The Ice Like A Broad]

Just in case you're a masochist - here's the video of Chris Crocker wrecking Sansmokio. Methinks that no amount of cheeba could've helped him numb the pain from this one [Sports Crackle Pop]

Send LJKC some love...she spent three whole hours at the dentist yesterday. That's pretty much like watching any St. Louis Rams or Detroit Lions game...ouch [Superhero.]

Meeting People Is Easy to follow later on this afternoon (maybe). Gotta do some real work first so they don't stop paying me. Lord knows I need that cash to feed my addiction to Pepperidge Farm Mint Milanos.

Queen's City Here We Come...

Cincinnati. What can I say about the Bungles that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan? They look bombed out and depleted.

Ok, no seriously. Here's the state of the Bengals - They're 0-6 - despite a few close ones, sans Carson Palmer - sub Ryan Fitzpatrick who may be more suited to attack the MCATs than the Pittsburgh defense; they feature a one-two backfield punch of Chris Perry (averaging a staggering 42 rush yards per game) and Cedric Benson (recently signed off waivers), and an imposing Defense that includes such notable talents as Domata Peko, Rashad Jeanty and Dexter Jackson. So clearly the Steelers will face their toughest test of 2008.

Alright, no, let's get serious. There is no such thing as a sure thing. Especially in the NFL this year. I needn't remind you of last weekend's results as evidence. So while the Bengals, on their face, don't seem to be quite the formidable foe they've been in the past they were in 2005, they've still got some playmakers that we'd be apt to worry about. Mainly - TJ Douchemanzadeh, Chad Johns-circus-show, Chris Henry - The Perpetually-Incarcerated Wonder, Jonathan Joseph (ish), Leon Hall (ish), and Keith Rivers (as much ish as you can give to a 1st round rookie).

And let's not forget that now Willie Parker is out for Sunday, Marvel Smith is more than likely out (sub the 7 million dollar bench warmer man, Max Starks), and Casey Hampton may likely sit this one as well. So we're not exactly in tip-top shape either. We're a handful of sacks away from losing to an 0-6 team vying to replace last year's Dolphins as the league's most worthless franchise. We can NOT let that happen.

The good news is, the Defense is relatively healthy. We're getting Keisel back, although we can't be sure he's 100%. Nick Eason, Travis Kirschke and Chris Hoke been filling in rather well. The linebackers are playing like the ravenous, sack-happy beasts we know they truly are, and Troy looks like a man on fire, and has actually been somewhat vocal to boot. All that notwithstanding, I'm slightly worried about our Corners. Notice I said SLIGHTLY. We know they can play, but the only real weapons Cincy has are really the three aforementioned Wide Receivers. Good news again is that Deshea Townsend should be well rested. So the trio of Face Me Ike, Bryant "Look at my sick goatee" McFadden and Deshea "I ain't done yet" Townsend should be alright. That said, it's something to watch.

In addition, I'll also be watching - Jeff Reed. I know that sounds weird, and NO I don't mean watching him while he photographs his manliness in the hotel bathroom. I mean that left calf he injured in our game against Jacksonville Jagoffville two weeks ago. Tec and I have been very vocal about our expectations for Party Boy Reed, but this injury may be more than any of us are thinking. And there's only one way to find that out. Either way, hopefully he spent the bye week rehabbing and taking it easy rather than refereeing pudding wrestling with Sandy Sanderson at Buckhead's. But I have my doubts about that.

Then there's Nate Washington. And, I mean that in a good way (for the first time). Last game he shined, nabbing six catches for 94 yards and a score. If he can be that reliable on Sunday, and Hines can have the kind of game HE had two weeks ago (7 catches, 90 yards, 1 TD), not to mention hopefully a healthy Santonio, we should have some great success throwing the ball in the absence of Master Fly W Large (Willie Parker for those of you who aren't familiar with the OFTOT preferred nomenclature).

Plus, with Dallas Baker out this week, we just might get our first real taste of what Limas Speed Sweed can do. Arians wants to throw that patented corner of the end zone fade? Who better to chuck it to than a 6'4" 220 lb monster who'll likely be covered by either Simeon Castille (6'0", 195, undrafted free agent) or David Jones (6'0", 196, 2nd year Corner out of Wingate). I would love nothing more than to see Limas Sweed pillage the Bengals secondary. Of course, it's not likely...and frankly, I'd love nothing more than to see ANY of our receivers pillage the Bengals secondary. But I gotta have something to write about. You understand.

So that's my two, three, four (?) cents for whatever they're worth (don't even make the smartass joke). And in case you were wondering, Steely McGnome has predicted Steelers - 34, Bengals - 24.

What do you guys think? Anyone you'll be looking at on Sunday? Any concerns you have? Anybody got any gum?

Let's have it.

Oh, I'll also be watching the benGALs. But not in 'nam while the game is going on, of course...

File Under "Things That Need To Go Away"...

Actually, I probably could've plugged just about any variable into that second spot and this formula would still be true. Just a little zing there to start things off right. Yes, today I've made a somewhat unwise editorial decision and chosen to "entertain" you all with a few words about Bengals Wide Receiver and Master of the Golden Sound Bite, Chad Johnson Ocho Cinco.

I'm fully convinced that Chad Johnson's sole aim in life is to be as ridiculous of a human being as possible. I mean, so far, he's yet to prove me wrong. Remember when he raced a horse? How about the 10,000 different touchdown tea parties he's held in his eight year career? Then, there's the gold fronts. Dude, we know your teeth are probably whiter than Clay Aiken. Give it up. And of course, who could forget the time he legally changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco. To borrow a Christy-ism - "Chad Johnson is a whore." I don't really think there's any better way to describe him. He's a circus show.

Here's how this works - Chad Johnson, like many other prima donna receivers, wants all the attention. Example - Chad ain't gettin' the ball enough. Chad ain't doing shit. No route running and certainly no blocking...knowing full well that negative attention is still, after all, attention. Like a spoiled child, if he is denied what he wants, he will pout, inviting ESPN and the like to launch a weekly segment called, "Chad Johnson Catchwatch." He is sentiment-blind. If his face is on TV, he's happy. Everything else is just peripheral.

Seeing as how this may very well happen this week, what with the Bengals being in the crapper and all, I half expect ESPN to give Chad Johnson a ring. You know, what amazes me about that is that they solicit his input, then their talking heads inevitably condemn him for doing what they fully expect and know he will do - talk nonsense. It's kind of like watching anything on MTV these days. You know it's going to suck, but you kind of like watching it for some masochist reason unknown to you...I mean...I've never watched "My Super Sweet Sixteen" before...I don't know what you're talking about...

But you know, for all of that, if he were anything like Hines Ward, he'd be a pretty awesome receiver. He's 6'1", 192 and faster than a race horse (the same I spoke of above). Too bad he's got his head up his ass.

I guess you could call this an "Opponent Spotlight" of sorts. Sorry I didn't quote you any numbers, shit's rough nowadays.

Thoughts?

Sometimes No News Is Good News...

So here we are, Wednesday, April 2, 2008. Another day with little in the way of Steeler news, or really NFL news in general.

We're still three some odd weeks from the NFL draft, and the biggest news around the league seems to be that Jay Cutler is quite displeased with supreme idiot teammate Brandon Marshall. Exciting...really just captivating stuff.

Anyways, in an attempt to again to fill this void and end the dearth of uninteresting shit, I give you five things we're happy to not be talking about around Steeler nation:

1. Whether or not it is appropriate for your Franchise QB to be feeding beer bongs to impressionable young sluts women ~ To Dan Bickley at the Arizona Republic - beer bongs are always appropriate. Bonging beers with college girls when you're 24/25 is certainly comendable questionable. But bonging beers in general? Frankly I encourage this practice.

2. Whether or not you'll have to "move on" without your team's star shit talker WR ~ For the record, I think talent wise, Chad Johnson is an excellent receiver. But he's a pussy. Like Randy Moss and unlike Hines Ward, we've seen Chad run and hide at the first "rattling of his cage" (or perhaps grill is more appropriate). The sad part about all this is that the Bengals are missing the boat on prime trade time here. My guess is they'll either make nice with him before the draft or try and use him as trade bait on draft day (not that they need any more picks or anything...).

3. Whether or not Pac Man Jones will be part of your franchise's future ~ Where do I stand here? One crazy asshole is a party, two is a crowd. Obviously Jerry Jones believes that the successful assimilation of Terrell Owens is an indication that being a Dallas Cowboy can tame even the wildest of beasts. But if he thinks Pac Man is going to tone it down, he might be just a tad misguided. I just can't help but think that this guy has had more than enough chances. If I had my way, we'd just send him straight to Siberia...I mean Arizona.

4. Whether or not your 3rd WR needs a nanny and/or chaperon at all times ~ I'd just like to point out that maybe regional law enforcement has it out for Chris Henry. There's no way one man can be cited, arrested, ticketed, and god knows what else (unfortunately, no tasering yet) for this many violations of the law. His ability to land himself in hot water is just impressive frankly. PS - I say this because he was cited last week for driving with expired license plates. That's $149 down the drain. Guess he better ask for that raise.

5. Whether or not that embarrassing little spygate scandal is indeed behind us ~ I mean listen, if Matt Walsh really had anything worth seeing, we probably would have seen it by now. Oh, he's negotiating for immunity. Immunity from what? If he's telling the truth, and has incriminating evidence against the DICKtator Bill Belichick, what's he so worried about. Nobody is going to castrate you for telling the truth and producing evidence you supposedly have that will either corroborate or discount the allegations. I'm guessing he wants what we all want...more money. I'm over it. Obviously this means nothing to the NFL. So let's just forget it.

And that's all I got. Anyone else? Marc, I know you've got something in you. Let's have it!

Welcome To The Jungle...

I'd like to dedicate this post to Chris Henry, who was successfully cleared to practice in Cincy today. Congratu-friggin-lations you worthless sack a' garbage.

Substance of post officially begins now...

We all know Cincinnati is basically a glorified penal colony the way these Bengals have been running afoul of the law for the past two some odd years. Hence, I think they've really lived up to that pseudonym for Paul Brown Stadium, "The Jungle"...IE - it's not just a clever name.

So in the spirit of picking on the Bungles and basically Ohio in general (sorry to any of yinz Stiller fans stuck there), here's a few things that you should be aware of on or before Sunday:

• Stealth Bombers: This is the obvious starting point. In case you have been living in a cave, the Bengals have had a little problem with some pesky rats with wings shitting on fans and in fans food and beverages. I'd say that sucks, but if I made chili with cinnamon (or chocolate!) in it, I'd pretty much expect it to get shit on. Something just isn't right there. PS - if you're attending the game, I highly recommend a hat.


• This: Remember the Bears Super Bowl Shuffle? Well this is way worse than that...just watch it. And please make sure you note the Lil' John knockoff...come to think of it, this should probably be #1...
  


• Conspicuously Large Amounts of Bengals Fans at the game: As if it isn't bad enough that the Bengals have any fans to begin with...the latest in Cincinnati deviance is ticket takers at Paul Brown taking cash to let fans in without tickets. And by cash, I mean $20! Dudes, here's a tip - if you're gonna put your ass on the line like that, at least collect more than a 20! I mean I know the cost of living is lower because it's Ohio, but come on, you can definitely get enough to buy yourself a Chad Johnson Fathead or something...Again, I blame the cinnamon chili. Crazy assholes.


• Ocho Cinco: Speaking of assholes...the heat is on for Chad Johnson. The media is tired of his touchdown celebrations and they're just not going to take it anymore...just don't mention how they previously encouraged it...Anyways, check out this post that includes video of the Keyshawn-Chad interview from ESPN's Sunday pregame. All jokes aside, I think this was the best interview I've seen in a while. Keyshawn told Chad straight up that he's acting like a selfish prick. And by all accounts it had an impact. We'll see if he can contain himself on Sunday. In the meantime, also check out Chad's Myspace page...notice friend #1...and #2...and don't miss the comments.

That's it for now. My apologies to any of you who came looking for substantive analysis today, I ain't got none (er...didn't have time for it). But if you're thirsty for knowledge, take a look at yesterday's post previewing our matchup against the Bungles. And remember, when in Cincinnati, don't eat the chili.

Being Bad Never Felt So Good...AKA Cincinnati Preview Part I

Holy shit...wait, you mean the media is talking about Chad Johnson? Wow, that's pretty unexpected...

But seriously. This week, the Steelers get the dubious distinction of taking on the Cincinnati Bengals at Paul Brown Stadium. The Bengals are fresh off a 38-31 win against the hapless New York Jets. So they might be feeling pretty good about themselves, despite the heavier than usual media circus surrounding star wideout Chad Johnson...who after maintaining an impressively low profile this past weekend said yesterday "he won't change to satisfy his critics." Whatever the hell that means.

Overview: The Bengals are currently occupying the basement of the AFC North at 2-4, but that definitely does not mean we should take them lightly. Notwithstanding the fact that this is a division game, and that alone is enough to motivate them, they still have some offensive weaponry the likes of which we are not exactly well equipped to contain. Mainly I'm talking about Carson Palmer, TJ Houshmanzadeh (not even going to look up spelling on that...he should probably change his name), and Ocho Cinco-Chad Johnson. Both Houshmanzadeh and Johnson are big, fast receivers, and given what just happened in Denver, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about this. Johnson is #2 in overall receiving yards, averages 17.4 yards per catch and has 3 TDs through 7 games and Houshmanzadeh is #7 in overall receiving yards, averages 10.7 yards per catch and has 8 TDs.

Offensively: Cincy as a team averages 371.7 yards of total offense , with 273.7 of those coming through the air, just under 100 on the ground, and scores an average of 27.3 points per game, which is good enough to place them a few spots above the Steelers in total offense.

Most recently they experimented with an emphasis on something new and different for them called the run, and had some pretty good success (Kenny Watson - 31 carries, 130 yards, 3TDs...fantasy stats like whoa). Nonetheless, I worry less about the Bungles rush attack than them moving the ball through the air so as to put up a lot of points...in case you didn't get that already...

Of course, their schedule has thus far included such less than stellar defenses as Cleveland(put up 51 points in a Loss), Seattle(put up 21 points in a Loss), Kansas City(put up 20 points in a Loss), and New York(a 38 point Win). So it's entirely possible (I'd say more than possible but I'm reluctant to, after that Denver debacle) that we could shut them down, should we play like the #1 defense in the league.

One other thing in particular I want to note: The only team to allow them less than 20 points so far was the Patriots. The Pats stifled the Cincy offensive juggernaut, allowing a meager 13 points, picking Carson Palmer twice and limiting Ocho Cinco to 55 yards receiving. So from our perspective, film from this Patriots game should serve as good reconnaissance - we'd be apt to check out what exactly the Pats did so effectively ... and game plan similarly.

Defensively: The Bengals are in some pretty dire straits. They recently converted Robert Geathers, a DE, to a Linebacker because if they didn't, they would've likely had to pluck someone from their practice squad to fill the position (as I understand it he's now back to his normal spot, providing Ahmad Brooks can go). Never a good sign...

With 187 points against thus far this season, they rank 29th out of 32 in points allowed. They are giving up an average of close to 5 yards per rushing attempt, just over 7.5 yards per pass, and have allowed 16 passing TDs (good enough for 2nd to last ranking for the stat)! So it's pretty safe to say we should be able to have our way with them so long as we can avoid the obligatory costly turnovers...ahem ahem.

Now, let me say - just because they have let up 16 TDs through the air, doesn't mean we should get away from what has worked. Steeler football should be effective against Cincy. If we run Willie 25-30 times, pass the ball efficiently, and come up with a few big pass plays, we should do very well.

More on this to come tomorrow and Thursday, but until then, this ought to give you just enough to pique an interest...If not, I'm betting this will:
Bengals Stats:
[ESPN]
[Pro-football-reference]

Ocho Cinco's Circus Show....

The circus that is Chad Johnson, or as both he and I prefer to call him - Ocho Cinco, has taken on a new challenge as of yesterday, May 30, 2007. Apparently, Senor Cinco believes he is fast enough to outrun a race horse, who probably not coincidentally is named after a popular Bengals TV Show, Restore the Roar.

Let me just state upfront, I'm putting all my money on the horse. All due respect to Chad, but I've seen Ocho Cinco run and I've seen horses run, and frankly, horses are pretty damn fast. Johnson may embarrass corners on a regular basis but I'd be surprised if he had any shot at beating a stallion bred solely to run around a track at ridiculous speeds (and who may or may not be all roided up). That being said, Johnson is getting an 8 pole lead to start the race and the whole thing is for charity, so I'm pretty sure he knows he's going down.

I'm chalking this up to eating too much cinnamon chili. Until they start making chili like normal civilized americans, this kind of ridiculous crap is going to keep happening in Cincinnati, mark my words. But hey, at least 85 has yet to run afoul of the law.