October 24, 2007

Welcome To The Jungle...

I'd like to dedicate this post to Chris Henry, who was successfully cleared to practice in Cincy today. Congratu-friggin-lations you worthless sack a' garbage.

Substance of post officially begins now...

We all know Cincinnati is basically a glorified penal colony the way these Bengals have been running afoul of the law for the past two some odd years. Hence, I think they've really lived up to that pseudonym for Paul Brown Stadium, "The Jungle"...IE - it's not just a clever name.

So in the spirit of picking on the Bungles and basically Ohio in general (sorry to any of yinz Stiller fans stuck there), here's a few things that you should be aware of on or before Sunday:

  • Stealth Bombers: This is the obvious starting point. In case you have been living in a cave, the Bengals have had a little problem with some pesky rats with wings shitting on fans and in fans food and beverages. I'd say that sucks, but if I made chili with cinnamon (or chocolate!) in it, I'd pretty much expect it to get shit on. Something just isn't right there. PS - if you're attending the game, I highly recommend a hat.

  • This: Remember the Bears Super Bowl Shuffle? Well this is way worse than that...just watch it. And please make sure you note the Lil' John knockoff...come to think of it, this should probably be #1...

  • Conspicuously Large Amounts of Bengals Fans at the game: As if it isn't bad enough that the Bengals have any fans to begin with...the latest in Cincinnati deviance is ticket takers at Paul Brown taking cash to let fans in without tickets. And by cash, I mean $20! Dudes, here's a tip - if you're gonna put your ass on the line like that, at least collect more than a 20! I mean I know the cost of living is lower because it's Ohio, but come on, you can definitely get enough to buy yourself a Chad Johnson Fathead or something...Again, I blame the cinnamon chili. Crazy assholes.

  • Ocho Cinco: Speaking of assholes...the heat is on for Chad Johnson. The media is tired of his touchdown celebrations and they're just not going to take it anymore...just don't mention how they previously encouraged it...Anyways, check out this post that includes video of the Keyshawn-Chad interview from ESPN's Sunday pregame. All jokes aside, I think this was the best interview I've seen in a while. Keyshawn told Chad straight up that he's acting like a selfish prick. And by all accounts it had an impact. We'll see if he can contain himself on Sunday. In the meantime, also check out Chad's Myspace page...notice friend #1...and #2...and don't miss the comments.
That's it for now. My apologies to any of you who came looking for substantive analysis today, I ain't got none (er...didn't have time for it). But if you're thirsty for knowledge, take a look at yesterday's post previewing our matchup against the Bungles. And remember, when in Cincinnati, don't eat the chili.

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