Know Your Enemy...

Play this song while you read this post...you know, if you want...
Way back in 6th Century BC China, Sun Tzu wrote in "The Art of War"...

"So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will fight without danger in battles. If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you may win or you may lose."

So do we know OUR enemy this weekend? I mean, I think we all know their bitter, self-loathing fanbase. But do we really know the Ravens? After all, they do have male cheerleaders.

Well, even though you've probably already muttered out loud - "Yeah, stupid. I know the [effing] Ravens. We've played them twice a year for like 13 years" - I figured I'd reacquaint you with this lot. Because hey, a lot can change in five weeks.

Let's begin with...


Joe Flacco. Just look at that brow and tell me that's not Joe Flacco!


Derek Mason. He's old as hell, but he'll be damned if he isn't trying to outlast everyone. Just like Abe Vigoda. That one was for Harvey Bars. And just because I want to, here...


[Play me]Anyways...


Todd Heap's body before a game.


Todd Heap's body after three plays.

Don't ask me why I made him a Caravan.


Ray Lewis. What? A crazy son of a bitch with a knife. You mean that ISN'T Ray Lewis?


Terrell Suggs. As if the disproportionate gum to teeth ratio wasn't a dead giveaway...


Bart Scott. This guy is probably Robin times TWO, since he is sanwiched between Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs. Still not sure which I'd make Batman, if either. It was just the sidekick thing I was going for. Whatev.


Ed Reed. I don't know. He just kind of reminds me of a Pterodactyl. What can I say? Besides, you guys wanted more dinosaurs on this blog anyhow. I could tell.

And there's a bunch of other dudes that no one really cares about. Good punter, good kicker, pretty good kick returners. Some decent running backs. Blah blah, whatever.

But then, you probably really did know all that, didn't you?

Well, anyways, I saw a poll on the Baltimore Sun's web site last night asking who had the advantage at every position on the field - the Steelers starter or Ravens starter. Literally, they had a list of positions and asked respondents to pick either the Steelers starter or the Ravens starter. Not surprisingly, the Steelers on the ballot got the majority of the votes. The only place they really struggled was along the Offensive line. Shocker. Max Starks lost out to Jared Gaither. Stunned. Kemoeatu lost out to Ben Grubbs. Dumbfounded. Darnell Stapleton lost out to Chris Chester. In disbelief. And Willie Colon, appropriately got shit on by Willie Anderson. Get right out of town! Justin Hartwig was the lone Steelers Offensive lineman to garner more votes than his opponent. So at least we've got that going for us...which is nice.

Why does this matter? Well, their QB is a rookie will little wear and tear. Our QB is a veteran who suffered a spinal concussion two weeks ago (three now, huh?). The Offensive line played very well against San Diego, which was extremely encouraging. I can only hope they've got some of the same tricks planned for this week. But if not, we may be in for a ride...

That's what she said.

You got any reactions to all this?

PS - How come the dude cheeleaders don't have to wear purple? If I were the chick cheeleaders, I'd sue the Ravens for sexual discrimination. That's messed up. It should be fruity purple for everyone. Am I wrong?

AFC North Headline Of The Day...

Well, I guess now that he's checked "complete douchebag" off the list, Terrell Suggs is now chasing "complete player."

Frankly, I'm not even sure what that means. So you want to be a pass rusher, a coverage guy, a special teamer and like a fullback or something?

"Complete player?" Shouldn't you already be a complete player? You're a standout starting OLB on one of the NFLs nastiest defenses, for Christ sake! What more do you want?

I'll tell you what you should do, Terrell Suggs. You should see a complete oral surgeon and fix that mess you've got going on in your gullet. I've said it before, and I'm gonna continue to say it until someone (preferably not Terrell Suggs himself) comes along and physically compels me to stop (probably by saying, "Hey man, quit jaggin' around or I'm gonna rearrange your facial features."). Terrell Suggs - your gums are massive and they make your teeth look like little baby teeth. Those gums are just devouring your pearly whites. I'd sort that situation out before worrying about becoming this supposed "complete player."

That all said, please don't hurt Big Ben come Sunday. We're going to need him for the playoffs. But if maybe you could put a late hit on Bruce Arians, I wouldn't mind that.

Thanks.

xoxoxoxo,

- Cotter

While Terrell Suggs is trying to figure out how to be a complete player, why don't y'all read these complete links?...

Birds love the Steelers. Makes total sense, right? [PSaMP]

Willie Parker still wants a fullback. Arians still can't give it to him [Post-Gazette]

Keep your eyes on the ball your balls this Sunday, Santonio [The Sports Hernia]

I always thought it was going to be The Spearmint Rhino that'd do PacMan in. But alas, 'twas the Steelers [PFT]

"NFL Announces 150 Layoffs; Lions, Bengals, Rams First to Go" [Carbolic Smoke Ball]

Steelers better watch out for Terrell Suggs, huh? What about his gumline? You think that will try and eat Big Ben like it's eating his own teeth? [Associated Press]

Why James Harrison > Ravens = "I don't feel like I have anything to prove to anybody but myself...If somebody wants to say I can't do something, I want to prove them wrong. But as far as wanting to prove something to the Ravens, no, it's not my point" [Baltimore Sun]

Pat Devlin transferring out of PSU! [Yahoo! Sports]

And don't forget to rank your favorite Steelers beards!

AFC North Headline Of The Day...

Ok, so I hear the Ravens are experimenting with some two QB set or something. Isn't that cute? I didn't even know they had two QBs that were good enough to respect in a one QB set, let alone as a combination. Hell, I guess it's true what they say - you DO learn something new everyday. I'll be damned.

And they've dubbed this set affectionately, "The Suggs Package." So first of all, as usual, that's what she said. Next, that's great. That's just effing great. Just give Terrell Suggs one more thing to gloat about. Like that asshole needs another reason. I don't hear him saying anything about how his helmet doesn't fit on his huge head. I'm not even joking. Go look him up on Google images. That dude's helmet fits about as snugly as a pair of leather pants on Rosanne. Mmmmm, night terrors.

Question. Just hypothetically speaking, if you didn't know what "The Suggs Package" was, per se, what might you guess that it was? Me? I'd guess that it has something to do with being a bitch. Wait, no. That doesn't make any sense. Um, maybe just an 11 man package comprised entirely of Terrell Suggs clones? There. FIXED.

Ok, so truth be told, I think this was a rather novel and creative idea this whole two QB thing. And one that I would LOVE to see the Steelers pull off. But like most of the drivel around here, this post just wouldn't be much fun if I gushed about how much I love the Ravens' super cool new offensive gadget play. It's all in the name of entertainment, my friends. So feel free to join the fun...savvy?

Oh, and try not to picture Rosanne in leather pants for too long there, Hoss. That's the kind of thing they say causes prolonged emotional disturbance...and chlamydia. Instead, think about an 11 man package comprised entirely of Terrell Suggs clones...while you're reading these links, of course...

Finally, it has arrived - the PSaMP interview with Sports Soup host, Matt Iseman [PSaMP]

Help John with his Dissertation and take this survey on sports fans (NFL fans) perceptions of each other/how winning and losing affects fan behavior [Survey]

Big Ben finds the 'Skins cheerleaders...err...distracting [Tirico Suave]

Anthony Smith feels slighted. Should he? Probably [Post-Gazette]

Evgeni Malkin is mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore [Kukla's Korner]

Speaking of the Pens, mojo...I mean, franchise value rising? [Puck Daddy]

Is this the line for the gay bar? [You Lay on the Ice Like A Broad!]