January 14, 2009

Know Your Enemy...



Play this song while you read this post...you know, if you want...

Way back in 6th Century BC China, Sun Tzu wrote in "The Art of War"...
"So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will fight without danger in battles. If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you may win or you may lose."
So do we know OUR enemy this weekend? I mean, I think we all know their bitter, self-loathing fanbase. But do we really know the Ravens? After all, they do have male cheerleaders.

Well, even though you've probably already muttered out loud - "Yeah, stupid. I know the [effing] Ravens. We've played them twice a year for like 13 years" - I figured I'd reacquaint you with this lot. Because hey, a lot can change in five weeks.

Let's begin with...


Joe Flacco. Just look at that brow and tell me that's not Joe Flacco!


Derek Mason. He's old as hell, but he'll be damned if he isn't trying to outlast everyone. Just like Abe Vigoda. That one was for Harvey Bars. And just because I want to, here...


[Play me]
Anyways...


Todd Heap's body before a game.


Todd Heap's body after three plays.

Don't ask me why I made him a Caravan.


Ray Lewis. What? A crazy son of a bitch with a knife. You mean that ISN'T Ray Lewis?


Terrell Suggs. As if the disproportionate gum to teeth ratio wasn't a dead giveaway...


Bart Scott. This guy is probably Robin times TWO, since he is sanwiched between Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs. Still not sure which I'd make Batman, if either. It was just the sidekick thing I was going for. Whatev.


Ed Reed. I don't know. He just kind of reminds me of a Pterodactyl. What can I say? Besides, you guys wanted more dinosaurs on this blog anyhow. I could tell.

And there's a bunch of other dudes that no one really cares about. Good punter, good kicker, pretty good kick returners. Some decent running backs. Blah blah, whatever.

But then, you probably really did know all that, didn't you?

Well, anyways, I saw a poll on the Baltimore Sun's web site last night asking who had the advantage at every position on the field - the Steelers starter or Ravens starter. Literally, they had a list of positions and asked respondents to pick either the Steelers starter or the Ravens starter. Not surprisingly, the Steelers on the ballot got the majority of the votes. The only place they really struggled was along the Offensive line. Shocker. Max Starks lost out to Jared Gaither. Stunned. Kemoeatu lost out to Ben Grubbs. Dumbfounded. Darnell Stapleton lost out to Chris Chester. In disbelief. And Willie Colon, appropriately got shit on by Willie Anderson. Get right out of town! Justin Hartwig was the lone Steelers Offensive lineman to garner more votes than his opponent. So at least we've got that going for us...which is nice.

Why does this matter? Well, their QB is a rookie will little wear and tear. Our QB is a veteran who suffered a spinal concussion two weeks ago (three now, huh?). The Offensive line played very well against San Diego, which was extremely encouraging. I can only hope they've got some of the same tricks planned for this week. But if not, we may be in for a ride...

That's what she said.

You got any reactions to all this?

PS - How come the dude cheeleaders don't have to wear purple? If I were the chick cheeleaders, I'd sue the Ravens for sexual discrimination. That's messed up. It should be fruity purple for everyone. Am I wrong?

20 comments:

random asshole said...

Spoken like a true lawyer, Cotter; threatening lawsuits over nothing.

Then again, if you were a chick cheerleader, I might watch the [Unnamed] Steelers Pregame Show more regularly. In fact, now I expect everyone reading this to watch the show this week and visualize Cotter in purple spandex.

Cotter said...

Hahaha, what makes you think they aren't doing that already???

tiny350Z said...

It should be purple camo spandex. Do they make that?

Cotter, copyright that idea for me, or something.

Maybe I'm watching NFL network and ESPN at the wrong time, but every time something comes on about this game, it's always a Ravens player being interviewed, and still talking about Santonio's touchdown...

tecmo said...

It should be purple camo spandex

/vomits everywhere

tecmo said...

The Bart Scott is a Dick, Too tag killed me.

shawnk said...

I did not know that the Ravens had male cheerleaders...that is hilarious.

The caravan pic for Heap was classic.

Marc said...

Our biggest advantage over the last games is that we are healthier than them. Hopefully McClain is slowed down, and Scott is hurt. I think we'll be fine, especially if our line plays anywhere close to how well they played last week.

It's almost lunch time, I'm very hungry.

domski43 said...

male cheerleaders, yum!

tecmo said...

gay. bar?

domski43 said...

tec - i hear there is a get together @ the gay bar district in the village this weekend?

tecmo said...

oh yeah. i heard town tavern just switched to a gay bar. there was something going on that made 'em make the switch, but i can't put my finger on it.

Cotter said...

I think it has something to do with it's proximity to Mahmoun's...

tecmo said...

or the fact that town tavern is like 4-5 blocks north of my work

Harvey Bars said...

Abe Vigoda will outlive us all. Someday he'll be telling my grandkids about the kind of person I was.

Sorry, I can't speak anymore today. I have to go wait impatiently on YouTube for Gavin In China to upload a new video.

tecmo said...

?

domski43 said...

gaybar it is. i'm going to wear purple in honor of the ravens, lets accesorize boys!

and yes, cotter, we can stop at the mahmouns for your fruity vegetarian meal.

tecmo said...

I don't want to waste your time, Mr. Bars, but please expand

Domski - falafal?

Harvey Bars said...

I was just trying to convey (poorly) that the Steelers fan in China who posts random NFL ramblings on YouTube is the best thing going on the interweb today and in a perfect world, his sports analysis would be as ubiquitous as ESPN's.

Or did you want me to go on some more about Abe Vigoda? I can do that too.

Cotter said...

I, for one, would like more Abe Vigoda. I mean, who can get enough of that guy? Not me. I know that much.

tecmo said...

O. I got caught up on the words and couldn;t tell if it was a dig or not. S'all good