Dear New England "Fans," Kindly Cease and Decist This Douchebaggery Immediately...

So apparently Bill Belichick and his band of "outlaws" aren't the only ones upset over Super Bowl XLII's outcome (surprise surprise).

In fact, some Patriot "fans" have now voiced their displeasure - posting a petition, calling for Commissioner Goodell to investigate the final 1:40 of the game, and "do the right thing" (which I assume means cede the victory to the Pats)...

Yep, that sounds like some sane logic.

Anyways, in the spirit of being a dick and advocate of all things anti-New England, my good buddy Tec over at PSAMP has countered with this Petition calling for all New England "fans" to henceforth be referred to as "Nerd-Ass Idiot Dork-Jerks."

I have just signed it and encourage you all to do the same. Do not allow this douchebaggery to go unnoticed. By doing so, you'll only enable this sort of behavior (or at least that's what I imagine the Dog Whisperer Cesar Milian would say). Do your civic duty, Steeler fans. Let the voices of Steeler Nation be heard loud and clear. Go sign immediately...and pass the word on.

Sincerely,
Cotter

REFERENCE MATERIAL:
Petition to Call All New England Fans "Nerd-Ass Idiot Dork-Jerks" [Petition Online]
The Only Petition That Matters [PSAMP]
We Must Stop The Unfair Treatment of Pats Fans [MJD]
Patriots Fans Feel Robbed, Want To Blame Black Man [KSK]
Petition to Review Final 1:40 of Super Bowl XLII [Petition Online]

and...Scene!

"Alright gentlemen, we got the shot!"

First off, I want you all to know that contrary to what the paucity of postings on OFTOT might suggest, I am not dead. I am very much alive and very much missing bullshitting with you all. Things are a little nutso right now for me. So I'm going to lay a few thoughts down here about this past Sunday then hopefully you all will jump in and add your opinions.

Super Bowl XLII -- I could not have asked for a better game. And not just because the Patriots lost in the biggest game of the year and I got to watch Patriots "fans" cry. I mean, that was fun...But, Tom Brady was sacked five times? Eli Manning was a hero? The Patriots only scored 14 points? Plaxico Burress played hurt? That game was chock full of drama, and I frankly enjoyed every minute of it. Or it could easily have been the open bar Domski and I drank that night (yes we pretty much drank the whole bar...or at least I did)...either way.

This game just made me feel a little better about the world. To know that despite the fact that the Patriots had been just about "crowned" weeks ago, the golden rule still rang true - that "any given Sunday..." Thank you New York Giants for finally shutting New England up (err...down, whichever way you want to look at it).

Let us all remember the Patriots for only one thing -- not being able to close the deal...even though they talked more shit about playing 'til the end than I've ever heard in one season...seriously.

So now, let's have it. Was that or was that not one of the most satisfying games in recent years? Do you think the Giants are still sacking Tom Brady right now? What would Tiki Barber do?

Oh, and in case you're wondering, now that it's over - I plan to monitor the renewed Spygate scandal closer than I do the Presidential primaries. Go Arlen Specter!

So You Wanna Beat Tom Brady...

"I like when I don’t get touched."
- Tom Brady

I wish I could say I was about to tell you all the magic secret to stoping Tom Brady. But I'm not. I'm no expert, nor do I claim to be. And even if I could, it probably wouldn't even matter. Everyone says do this, do that. But here's the thing that sets the Patriots apart from many other teams that are just "good" -- they dictate to you how you're going to play. Defense AND Offense.

So the questions become things like - Who do the Giants key on? Will they be facing a 3-4 or a 4-3 New England scheme? How do you tackle Tom Brady with all that hair gel upstairs?

And the funny thing is - this isn't something that should exclusive to the Patriots (especially not the gelified QB...kidding). Teams that are able to do many things well, and consistently well at that, dictate how their opponents play them. They force you to plan for one or two of the most feared situations, when in reality you could be up against an infinite number of different looks (ok, maybe infinite is an exaggeration, but whatever).

The only thing I think I've ever admired about New England...or at least respected...is their ability to adapt. They have so many different looks, and they play the chess match that is an NFL game better than anyone else (right now). That's why they've been so successful. They keep you guessing. So even before you get to the game on Sunday, you have to wonder - how are we going to play them? Certainly weighs on your mindset during practice...or so I imagine.

Anyhow, there are certainly some sure fire ways to slow them down/possibly prevail. Namely, hit Tom Brady and the Patriots receivers as much and as forcefully as you possibly can. Then run the shit out of the ball, wear down their borderline geriatric linebackers, and take a few shots down the field when you've got them off guard. But who friggin' cares? Go Giants! The first and probably only time I'll ever say that...

PS - Favorite news item of the day =
Senator wants to know why NFL destroyed Patriots spy tapes

God bless you Arlen Specter.

Enjoy the Super Bowl friends! Drink a few 'Ahrns for me and pour a little out for the Steelers 2007-2008 season.

End communication.

Well Hello There...

Over the top? Be honest...

Happy Super Bowl week friends!

Thank god we've finally arrived upon that week in which we can officially crown the Patriots once and for all...I mean watch the Giants take on the heavily favored Patriots in none other than the home of Whisengrimm - the arid, Arizona desert.

So today, because I love you guys that much, I've taken all the hard work out of (and put all the fun into) reading the week's hottest news headlines (thus far) leading up to Sunday. They probably aren't going to be very funny because, well, I'm not very funny....But I'm trying here... so give a brotha a break. Just read them...

SUPER BOWL XLII Headlines (Early Edition)
1. Have no fear, citizens of America, this year's Super Bowl will be sans terrorists...well, except for this guy...

2. Teddy Bruschi inspires stroke survivors...Rodney Harrison inspires Jose Canseco...

3. Just in case you forgot - Randy Moss is still a piece of shit...

4. The NFL has now gone to great lengths to make sure the Patriots wide receivers are successful on Sunday...

5. Even when there's absolutely no reason to, why not kick the Browns in the balls?

6. Wow, they're scraping the bottom here...

7. That walking boot was just Tom Brady's excuse to steal all the celeb ink from Giselle...get yours Tommy Boy...

8. Plaxico Burress is still a veritable Rhodes Scholar...hey, don't forget to spike the ball, huh hoss?

9. F-E-A-G-L-E-S, Jeff Feagles! At last the day is his...

10. And finally, not a headline this week, but rather one from last August (bonus points if you were around to read it the first time) - just a friendly reminder that your gracious host for Half time this year will be Ryan Seacrest...let's hope as a finale he gets death by firing squad.

Done.

PS - give me your predictions...approximately...now...(domski don't bother - i've got you down for $500 on the Patriots)...

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Outside...

Or watch the Super Bowl pre-game and halftime business...Ryan Seacrest inserts himself into the action. The American Idol host, and perhaps the most annoying person on the face of the earth, is allegedly going to be handling the hosting duties for Super Bowl XLII's pre-game and halftime extravaganzas.

Obviously this is a perfect fit...because the demographic that watches American Idol is sure to watch the Super Bowl...err...not. Guess I won't be watching that crap again this year. Why do they even have all those frills anyway? I'll admit I was entertained by the whole Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake breast exposure, but beyond that, these have been utterly nap-inducing. Then again, that could be the 8-10 beers I consume between kickoff and halftime...

I guess maybe next they'll have people texting their votes in for who THEY want to win the Super Bowl. Dial 9856-01 for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Dial 9856-02 for the Washington Redskins, Dial 9856-03 to vote PacMan Jones for President, Dial 9856-04 to kill yourself...oh that Ryan Seacrest is a silly bitch.

Sign of the Apocalypse - August 16, 2007.

PS - you'd be amazed by the abundance of doctored Ryan Seacrest images available on this here interweb...and yet I totally leached the one Deadspin used...what can I say, I'm a dick.