Picture for entertainment purposes only. Be cool, Tobiathan! And sadly, this will probably be me for the better part of the day...yes, with the phone upside down too.This week, the country's all abuzz with Tony Romo's pinky, Pac Man's suspension, Roy Williams' trade, and Shaun Alexander's resurrection. But there's one story line that's been lost among these national media stories. And that's Mike Tomlin and Hines Ward disputing the two unnecessary roughness fines leveled against Hines this week.
Of course, it hasn't been lost on us.
So I thought for a little Thursday morning fun, I'd outline in technicolor how the conversation might go between Tomlin, Hines and Principal...I mean Commissioner Goodell.
So here goes...
The Commish: Hello, this is Roger Goodell.
Tomlin: Yo, this Goodell?
The Commish: Um, yes. As I said, this is Roger Goodell.
Tomlin: Good. Me and my man, Hines Ward, got some questions and we want some answers.
The Commish: Well that usually is how it works with questions. Anyways, what's on your mind, Mike?
Tomlin: I'm just sayin', man, how you gonna do Hines like that?
The Commish: Do...
Tomlin: Yeah, how you gonna jack this man's loot for some bullshit that your on-field clique didn't even call during either of those games? I mean, that sounds like a 211 to me.
The Commish: Well, Mike, as you know, it is the league's official policy to screw your players out of their money with our unexplainable fines...
Hines Ward: Wait, can I say something? Can I just say something right now? I am an innocent man. Does this look like the face of a killer?
The Commish: Killer? I was talking about those unnecessarily rough hits you put on a Raven and a Jaguar.
Tomlin: Hines, be cool, man. I got this.
Hines Ward: Yo, Coach, ain't nothing cool about this. Listen up, Jane Goodall, this ain't studying the apes, here. If you're gonna fine me for unnecessary roughness, don't you think you should have called the penalty during the damn game?
The Commish: Well, Hines, as you know, it is the league's official policy to screw you out of your money with our unexplainable fines...I'm sorry, my hands are tied.
Tomlin: Yeah, you don't cut this shit out and your hands will really be tied! And your feet too. And any other body parts I can get my hands on.
Hines Ward: Well, maybe if you could just let me explain myself. I plead Sammy Sosa. I don't understand English, I'm from Georgia.
The Commish: I don't...I don't even know where to begin...
Tomlin: How 'bout you BE-GIN by removing your foot from Hines' ass? Sounds to me like a good place to start.
The Commish: I think you've lost me, Mike.
Hines Ward: OK Goodall, so you wanna fine me for some grabassin' that wasn't even called a penalty, whatever. Maybe you could explain to me the definition of "Unnecessary Roughness"?
The Commish: Surely, Hines. "Unnecessary Roughness" is when you hit someone and we arbitrarily decide that even though our refs didn't see or call it, we're going to hold you responsible anyway.
Tomlin: What's that? Your momma's recipe for french toast? Hines' talkin' about hitting people.
The Commish: Yes, Mike, I understand. But like I said, the rules are the rules. I'm sorry, as you know the league's official policy is to screw your players out of their money with our unexplainable fines. There's nothing I can do.
Hines Ward: Yo, I'm gonna come up there and unnecessarily rough you up, Goodall!
Tomlin: That makes two, Good-asshole. I'll cut you.
The Commish: Gentleman, this is exactly the type of behavior that the league is trying to discourage. I'm sorry, but I've heard your pleas and the policy is the same. The league's official policy is to screw your players out of their money with our unexplainable fines. End of story.
Hines Ward: Alright, you know what? Obviously we're not getting through here. Tomlin, let's go hit Sheetz. I'm trying to get some munchies.
Tomlin: Aight. Goodie, we out. This is some bullshit. And yes I will play golf with you on Saturday.
The Commish: Great! I'll call Al Davis and we'll all hit the links.
Tomlin: Nah, [redacted] Al Davis. He's always drooling all on my driver and shit. Call up Ditka, he owes me a mai tai.
The Commish: Consider it done. Alright gentleman, I'll speak with you soon.
Tomlin: Peace out, G.
Hines Ward: I stopped listening 20 minutes ago, what? Oh yeah, take 'er easy Goodfornothing. I'm out.
[hang ups all around]
Yeah, I don't know either. I think I need more sleep. Good luck making any sense of that one. Oh, and by the way, I am a fan of Hines Ward on Facebook...don't judge me...
But what about those fines??