August 19, 2008

OFTOT's Season Preview Weeks 1-8...

Unless you live under a rock, you're well aware that every year, Deadspin runs previews of each NFL team leading up to the regular season. And every year, Mondesi's House has handled the duty of writing the Steelers preview. But I thought it'd be fun to show you all what it might look like if I were tasked with telling this "story."

Now, one thing's for sure. If I wrote the preview, it would NOT be serious whatsoever. Frankly, I think most people who care to read a Steelers preview are probably Steelers fans (or Browns/Bengals/Ravens fans looking to pick a fight). And as our current strengths and weaknesses have been well chronicled all over the known universe, I wouldn't really feel the need to reiterate to you what you already know. Even if I did do it with the maximum amount of sarcasm and witty banter.

Instead, I was thinking it'd be more interesting/entertaining/humorous (perhaps?) if I told the 2008-2009 Steelers story through fake headlines. So below I've graciously sacrificed my precious free time to bring you Part I of OFTOT's 2008-2099 Steelers preview, covering Weeks 1-8. There aren't many words, but I'm pretty much operating under the principle that a picture is worth a thousand of 'em. And just so you're forewarned - these are pretty f'ing stupid. I may have outdone myself here...but I'll let you all be the judges.

With that, I give you...

OFTOT's 2008-2009 Season Preview

Week 1 vs. Houston (Home)

If you don't know what that headline references, you must not be from the Commonwealth.

Week 2 vs. Cleveland (Away)

The Browns are going to win the Super Bowl, in case you hadn't heard.

Week 3 vs. Philadelphia (Away)

By the way, thanks for Duce Staley, A-holes.

Week 4 vs. Baltimore (Home)

Leave your guns at home, this one's at Heinz Field.

Week 5 vs. Jacksonville (Away)

I'm still too upset to talk about it.

Week 6 -- BYE WEEK EXTRAVAGANZA

Tequila's a hell of a drink.

Week 7 vs. Cincinnati (Away)

By now, Chris Henry has already been arrested three times (he is innocent, of course).

Week 8 vs. N.Y. Giants (Home)

Thank god this one's at home, $9 for a beer is just way too much.

And that wraps the first half of the Steelers 2008-2009 season. Tomorrow we'll do Weeks 9-17. Until then, let me know what you think in the comments. Savvy?

Click Here for Part II

13 comments:

random asshole said...

Absolutely fantastic. Cotter gets a win here.

Except week 8, of course; I'm staying neutral on that one.

On a marginally related note, am I the only person who's still amazed at how easy it is to bash Brady Quinn even though he hasn't started a game and probably won't this season, either?

The Immortal Silky Johnson said...

Ahhh Cotter, You are going to need to print a retraction on week 3, but the the related story appears accurate.

Did anyone watch the 1st half atrocity that was Monday Night Football last night?

Lori said...

That was hilarious. I laughed, I cried, excellent work. My favorites were Cleveland, Jacksonville and Cincinnati. And, you probably don't want cheerleader herpes anyway.

domski43 said...

Cinnamon inside chili is a joke

random a-hole - brady quinn is like a fart joke, it will never get old.

silky j - i just got done laughing w/ a giants fan i work with about how bad the browns 1st team looked last night. i guess their heads are getting so big after all the media hype and ALMOST making the playoffs last year.

Does anyone else feel like its time for OFTOT to start a campaign to either:

1. Begin a quarterback controversy between Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn.

2. Get Dick LeBeau voted into the hall of fame

????

Cotter said...

random asshole ~ Thanks for the props, dude! And you're definitely not alone on the Brady Quinn bashing. Frankly, I think this picture explains a lot.

silky ~ It's all in good fun, man. You know I'm looking forward to playing you guys. Hopefully the Linc has a jail like Veterans Stadium. Something tells me they're going to need it. With fans of two PA teams in one stadium, that'll be an awful lot of guns...

As for the Browns performance, I don't think we really need to say anything. Their play pretty much spoke for itself. It's ok though, Sean Rogers will save them...

lori ~ Thanks for the kind words! Though I don't know about the cheerleader thing. I mean, I could forever claim to have gotten herpes from an NFL cheerleader. If that isn't a badge of honor, I don't know what is...kidding, of course.

PS - is cheerleader herpes worse than regular herpes?

domski ~ Both equally valuable societal contributions. I doubt OFTOT has the kind of pull to accomplish either, but I say we go for broke and try to swing both!

Marc said...

Hey everyone, remember me? Anyway, awesome photoshops. The related articles are awesome. I forgot how ugly the browns uniforms are, look at that Donte Stallworth picture, holy shit. I haven't even seen a preseason game, other than a few minutes of the BUF game with no sound in the airport; I did see a play in which Timmons crushed someone and got excited though.

Lori said...

I feel like cheerleader herpes are extra perky and probably roar their ugly heads on game days. Not good. Still, possible bragging rights..

The Immortal Silky Johnson said...

Lori-If cheerleader Herpes are worse than regular Herpes. What is the worst possible strain of Herpes one can get?

Cotter- muy amusing post! I love when Jeff Reed gets involved. Mas tequila por favor!

Christy said...

I found it ironic that marc used the phrase "holy shit" when referencing the Browns new uni's....the bright side for them is that nobody will be able to tell that they shit their pants when they play the Steelers...I couldn't tell last night, could you?

Great work, Cotter!

Anonymous said...

worst possible strain of hepes browns cheerleader herpes. what else would you expect

Cotter said...

marc ~ Welcome back, man! We certainly missed you these past couple weeks. Hope you had a blast! And trust me, you didn't miss much. Plus, I didn't even see last game either. So you saw more than me.

lori ~ I'm not liking the sound of "rearing their ugly heads" on game day. That's when I do some of my best work. I guess upon reflection perhaps the badge of honor is not worth the future pain and lack of getting laid.

silky ~ I'd pass you some tequila, but I know you wouldn't be drinking it! Allllllriiiiiiighhhhhht!!!

christy ~ Gold star. Hands down, best comment today. I particularly liked the part where you called out the Browns for shitting their pants. Real solid jab. Awesome.

anon ~ You got it! I imagine if regular cheerleader herpes is forever, Browns cheerleader herpes follows you to the afterlife.

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