The Feel Good Stories of Super Bowl XLIII...

Man, you know what I haven't heard enough about? Kurt Warner's career. I mean, did you realize that he's come from Supermarket stock boy to Super Bowl winning QB? Did you know he once played in NFL Europe?

And the Arena League? And the only reason he ended up becoming a starter was because Trent Green went down with one of his 10,896 career injuries?

...YES! OF COURSE YOU DID!

Because anytime Kurt Warner does so much as take a dump, the media feels the need to hit you over the head with his heartwarming, Hollywood, underdog tale. Thanks, guys. I think we get it. Blah blah blah rags to riches, who gives a shit? Great story, that's fantastic. Kurt Warner, you're my hero. Now can we be done with it or what? Tone it down there, hoss. At some point, you realize that he's not a QB in NFL Europe or the Arena League, or a Supermarket stock boy anymore, right? He's how many years into the league, now? Why even talk about it at this point?

ESPN compared Ben to Donovan McNabb last night...

FAILblog.

I'm officially not watching any more coverage of this game until Sunday.

BUT, it did give me a good idea for this morning's idiocy. Equip post title reading skills and you'll figure out the premise pretty quick. If not, you might wanna start wearing a helmet. Just a suggestion.

I mean, obviously we all know Warner's tale. But who else has an inspiring tale to tell that we don't even know about and what might that tale be? Or like, what would be an inspiring tale for participants in this game should they win OR lose? Don't worry, you don't have to answer those. I've got you covered.

Max Starks Overcomes Useless Transition Tag and Arbitrary Benching to Start In His Second Super Bowl...

[Note to self: watermark this later.]
Seriously, transition tag? Are you in or are you out, Colbert? What's the deal. And relegating Starks, a starter in Super Bowl XL, to the bench? Them's fightin' words. Max Starks has a chip on his shoulder and he's gonna show you, Tomlin. You messed with the wrong hombre. He gon' pancake some Cardinal ass on Sunday, boy. You know it!

Mike Tomlin Conquers His Fear of Gatorade

By now it's been well publicized that Head Swinging Dick, Mike Tomlin was less than enthused about the Gatorade bath he got two Sundays ago. He was scared like a little girl! Well I hear that since then, Tomlin's been working with a shrink and a trainer in order to build up enough confidence to face the Gatorade tidal wave like a man, should the opportunity present itself. Balls out, Mike. Godspeed!

Larry Zierling Losing His Unhealthy Porn Habit In Favor of Tampa's 43 Strip Clubs

[COTTER NOTE - By now, you've probably realized that this is a picture of Ian Ziering. That's because there are no known photographs of Larry Zierling on Google Image Search. I think he may be the only person on this Earth who can actually make that claim...moving on]
Hey, who needs free internet porn when you're surrounded by establishments chock full of fanciful women who will take their tops off and perform gyratious movements in close proximity to your body for a reasonable price? Plus, all that competition. I mean, market forces, dude. That oughta plunge the price of a lap dance straight through the floor. They're probably giving out handjobs at the door at this point. See, kids, Econ isn't just for future wet blankets. Stay in school.

Nate Washington Mans Up

On second thought, maybe we won't see that...Grow a pair, Nate. You're arguably the fastest receiver on the team and you're riding on the back of a golf cart? QFA, dude.

Santonio Puts Down The Pipe

Another well publicized event this past season was Santonio Holmes' arrest on minor drug charges. It seems he was smoking a spliff in the wrong place at the wrong time. Happens to the best of us. But ol' Sansmokio wouldn't let it get him down. He persevered and persevered, and finally, just in time for the big game, he's cleaner than a Disney Ice Show (not that I'd know one way or another)...

...Right, that or he'll admit that he sold drugs as a kid. Same diff.

And now, onto the picture show...

I think they caught Farrior going to take a dump. I recommend the handicapped stall, man.


Hines Ward sat out of practice. Yeah, sure looks like it? Are those Chuck Taylors he's wearing?


If you're looking for your contribution to these playoffs, you're going to need a bigger lens, Matt.


I thought we told the pilot to take off without him. Our position has been compromised. Abort.


Why even bother?


Who wears short shorts? Kurt Warner wears short shorts. I hope he used some Nair.


Ladies, take note.

Oh, and if Washington, DC could listen up for a second...

It's p-O-l-a-m-a-l-u, 'tards. Read a book. Amateurs, dude.

Seriously, I'm giving "Jeff Reed drunk" the official gold medal...

I get more traffic from people Googling that phrase than any other phrase. Like I said on Twitter last week, Jeff - wherever you are, keep drinking. Thumbs up.

Also, Dick Lebeau has committed to yet another year as Godfather of La Cosa Nostra-Zone-Blitz...

Two things we need to remember here. #1 - As Waynes World 2 put it, Dick Lebeau cannot be killed by conventional weapons. And #2 - You're going to have to pry that clipboard from his cold, lifeless hands, because that man is going to die on the sidelines. Huge stones on that guy.

Alright, enough joking. Too much joking going on around here, not enough tough analysis. I haven't been studying my game film. Can someone get me Ben's completion %age from the last time we faced the Cardinals? Can someone PLEASE GET ME BEN'S COMPLETION %AGE FROM THE LAST TIME WE FACED THE CARDINALS??? Always Mickey Mousing around (credit - Aaron Polak, my Drafting Contracts professor). No, but on a serious note, my big concern right now is the Steelers taking the Cards lightly...



Domski is forbidden to weigh in on this conversation, because quite frankly, I'm sick of his shit. But for the record, if he was allowed, he'd probably say something like "Kurt Warner is going to expose Ike Taylor" or something equally douchey. Moral of this story = While drinking usually destroys brain cells, in Domski's case, NOT drinking has destroyed brain cells.

Oh right, and today marks Day #1 this week on which I haven't been asked to promote any YouTube videos....wait...just got a new email, let me open this...I take it back. Maybe tomorrow.

You guys starting to worry at all? I've got this feeling in my stomach today. Could just be gas. But I'm pretty sure it's neurosis slowly burning a hole in the wall of my stomach. Sunday cannot come soon enough.

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Cardinal Sinned...

Not really. I just thought that'd be a good pun. In hindsight, maybe I should start questioning my own judgment more often. Oh well, is this a Steelers blog? I forgot.

That's Cardinal Warner, there, by the way. I'll bet nobody else has ever done THAT with Photoshop. Yep, strictly novel thinking here at OFTOT. 311 would be proud.

Nah, listen. About the Warner and God jokes. Before anyone gets up in arms or whatever, I'm just joking. He's a fantastic human being. Makes me feel like joining the peace corps every time I think about how much good he does vs. how much I do. That said, the jokes are not going to stop.


No, I already tried that, Jesus! Who do you think you're talking to, Brett Favre? Oh Yeah? Well maybe you should put God on the phone, then!

Anyways, I successfully made it through last week's veritable dead zone without getting too heavily into the actual game. Without getting into it at all, really. So I suppose that means I should talk about it this week, right? Sure, why not.

So, yeah, everyone wants to talk about how we fared last year against the Cardinals, presumably in order to provide some sort of context for this Sunday's one game to rule them all. But as far as I'm concerned, there ain't nothing valuable gained by living in the past (a theme you'll see repeated in today's AFC North Headline of the Day). Last year's Cardinals are not this year's Cardinals. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Here's a list of 10 things I know about this year's Cardinals...

1. Matt Leinart sucks
2. Larry Fitz is unstoppable
3. Kurt Warner is a big God fan
4. Todd Haley is completely non-confrontational
5. They're not blowing the rest of the league anymore
6. They suddenly have a defense?
7. Anquan Boldin is slowly becoming the $6 million man
8. I should've gone to Arizona State
9. Edgerrin James is pissed off (and getting pissed ON by opposing Defenses)
10. A bunch of people who were not Cardinals fans before are now Cardinals fans

You wanna know why we lost that game last year? Same shit, different year, man...


Turnovers.


Penalties.


Four sacks allowed.


Giving up a punt return TD.

Tell me the last time a team turned the ball over twice (once in the end zone), committed 11 penalties, let its QB get sacked four times, and allowed a 73 yard punt return to a rookie, and actually won the game. If you can find it, I'll send you a package of Mint Milano cookies.

By the way, at the end of last year's game, we attempted an onside kick. You remember who recovered it?

That's right...

Larry Fitzgerald.

But right now, the Steelers are the winners of two straight playoff games against two good ass AFC teams. Alright, the Chargers are debatable. But either way, we're relatively healthy, unlike last time. And this is kind of like, a pretty big game. Or so they tell me.

Here's what I WILL say about this upcoming Super Bowl game, besides the fact that I'm already developing an ulcer and it's only Monday - the Steelers just have to do what they've been doing on Offense. Run the ball, block for Ben and let him do his thing. And on Defense - stop Larry Fitz, Anquan Boldin and Steve Breaston. Now, of course, that isn't exactly the same thing as shutting down Abe Vigoda Derrick Mason, Mark Clayton and...uh...Todd Heap? We're talking about three damn good receivers who could easily give Face Me Ike, McFadden's goatee, and Deshea the business. Oh, and I think the Cardinals have a running game too, but I can't really remember...

What else do you want me to say? I can't predict who will show up to play on Sunday and who will not. Like I said, if the Steelers run the ball well, give Ben the time to make plays with his arm (shit, or his legs), and minimize the mistakes, I like our chances. But just because it CAN happen, doesn't mean it WILL happen. And at this time, I just cannot say what WILL happen.

Hopefully a win.

Oh yeah, that clown Jon Dekker was arrested on Saturday. Obstruction of justice or some pussy shit like that. Princeton education serving him well, I see. Here's a picture of him for ya...

He's on IR. Who cares?

You know who else likes God?

Jon Kitna, Field General.

I think the Steelers are playing this Sunday. Did you guys hear that too? Let's talk about it.