January 29, 2009

The Feel Good Stories of Super Bowl XLIII...

Man, you know what I haven't heard enough about? Kurt Warner's career. I mean, did you realize that he's come from Supermarket stock boy to Super Bowl winning QB? Did you know he once played in NFL Europe?

And the Arena League? And the only reason he ended up becoming a starter was because Trent Green went down with one of his 10,896 career injuries?


Because anytime Kurt Warner does so much as take a dump, the media feels the need to hit you over the head with his heartwarming, Hollywood, underdog tale. Thanks, guys. I think we get it. Blah blah blah rags to riches, who gives a shit? Great story, that's fantastic. Kurt Warner, you're my hero. Now can we be done with it or what? Tone it down there, hoss. At some point, you realize that he's not a QB in NFL Europe or the Arena League, or a Supermarket stock boy anymore, right? He's how many years into the league, now? Why even talk about it at this point?

ESPN compared Ben to Donovan McNabb last night...


I'm officially not watching any more coverage of this game until Sunday.

BUT, it did give me a good idea for this morning's idiocy. Equip post title reading skills and you'll figure out the premise pretty quick. If not, you might wanna start wearing a helmet. Just a suggestion.

I mean, obviously we all know Warner's tale. But who else has an inspiring tale to tell that we don't even know about and what might that tale be? Or like, what would be an inspiring tale for participants in this game should they win OR lose? Don't worry, you don't have to answer those. I've got you covered.

Max Starks Overcomes Useless Transition Tag and Arbitrary Benching to Start In His Second Super Bowl...

[Note to self: watermark this later.]
Seriously, transition tag? Are you in or are you out, Colbert? What's the deal. And relegating Starks, a starter in Super Bowl XL, to the bench? Them's fightin' words. Max Starks has a chip on his shoulder and he's gonna show you, Tomlin. You messed with the wrong hombre. He gon' pancake some Cardinal ass on Sunday, boy. You know it!

Mike Tomlin Conquers His Fear of Gatorade

By now it's been well publicized that Head Swinging Dick, Mike Tomlin was less than enthused about the Gatorade bath he got two Sundays ago. He was scared like a little girl! Well I hear that since then, Tomlin's been working with a shrink and a trainer in order to build up enough confidence to face the Gatorade tidal wave like a man, should the opportunity present itself. Balls out, Mike. Godspeed!

Larry Zierling Losing His Unhealthy Porn Habit In Favor of Tampa's 43 Strip Clubs

[COTTER NOTE - By now, you've probably realized that this is a picture of Ian Ziering. That's because there are no known photographs of Larry Zierling on Google Image Search. I think he may be the only person on this Earth who can actually make that claim...moving on]
Hey, who needs free internet porn when you're surrounded by establishments chock full of fanciful women who will take their tops off and perform gyratious movements in close proximity to your body for a reasonable price? Plus, all that competition. I mean, market forces, dude. That oughta plunge the price of a lap dance straight through the floor. They're probably giving out handjobs at the door at this point. See, kids, Econ isn't just for future wet blankets. Stay in school.

Nate Washington Mans Up

On second thought, maybe we won't see that...Grow a pair, Nate. You're arguably the fastest receiver on the team and you're riding on the back of a golf cart? QFA, dude.

Santonio Puts Down The Pipe

Another well publicized event this past season was Santonio Holmes' arrest on minor drug charges. It seems he was smoking a spliff in the wrong place at the wrong time. Happens to the best of us. But ol' Sansmokio wouldn't let it get him down. He persevered and persevered, and finally, just in time for the big game, he's cleaner than a Disney Ice Show (not that I'd know one way or another)...

...Right, that or he'll admit that he sold drugs as a kid. Same diff.

And now, onto the picture show...

I think they caught Farrior going to take a dump. I recommend the handicapped stall, man.

Hines Ward sat out of practice. Yeah, sure looks like it? Are those Chuck Taylors he's wearing?

If you're looking for your contribution to these playoffs, you're going to need a bigger lens, Matt.

I thought we told the pilot to take off without him. Our position has been compromised. Abort.

Why even bother?

Who wears short shorts? Kurt Warner wears short shorts. I hope he used some Nair.

Ladies, take note.

Oh, and if Washington, DC could listen up for a second...

It's p-O-l-a-m-a-l-u, 'tards. Read a book. Amateurs, dude.

Seriously, I'm giving "Jeff Reed drunk" the official gold medal...

I get more traffic from people Googling that phrase than any other phrase. Like I said on Twitter last week, Jeff - wherever you are, keep drinking. Thumbs up.

Also, Dick Lebeau has committed to yet another year as Godfather of La Cosa Nostra-Zone-Blitz...

Two things we need to remember here. #1 - As Waynes World 2 put it, Dick Lebeau cannot be killed by conventional weapons. And #2 - You're going to have to pry that clipboard from his cold, lifeless hands, because that man is going to die on the sidelines. Huge stones on that guy.

Alright, enough joking. Too much joking going on around here, not enough tough analysis. I haven't been studying my game film. Can someone get me Ben's completion %age from the last time we faced the Cardinals? Can someone PLEASE GET ME BEN'S COMPLETION %AGE FROM THE LAST TIME WE FACED THE CARDINALS??? Always Mickey Mousing around (credit - Aaron Polak, my Drafting Contracts professor). No, but on a serious note, my big concern right now is the Steelers taking the Cards lightly...

Domski is forbidden to weigh in on this conversation, because quite frankly, I'm sick of his shit. But for the record, if he was allowed, he'd probably say something like "Kurt Warner is going to expose Ike Taylor" or something equally douchey. Moral of this story = While drinking usually destroys brain cells, in Domski's case, NOT drinking has destroyed brain cells.

Oh right, and today marks Day #1 this week on which I haven't been asked to promote any YouTube videos....wait...just got a new email, let me open this...I take it back. Maybe tomorrow.

You guys starting to worry at all? I've got this feeling in my stomach today. Could just be gas. But I'm pretty sure it's neurosis slowly burning a hole in the wall of my stomach. Sunday cannot come soon enough.


Noah said...

Kemoeatu's beard is straight up awesome.

From all this media saying the Steelers are loose, I hope we're not so loose that we don't know what we're doing. "Nahmeen"?

Cotter said...

That's what she said.

Yeah, I totally know what you mean, man. I'm glad they're all enjoying the experience, but I hope they're more business than they are letting on.

domski43 said...

i know its beating a dead horse (/not mini pony)i'm worried about hines' knee. i know he is going to play, but how effective will be? Lets just say that he is definitely not 100%, santonio takes on a double team, who is going to make the plays through the air at the wide receiver position...nate washington? limas sweed? or just throw everything to heath miller?

thats what i'm worried about today, more worries will surface tomorrow.

developing an ulcer.

Vern said...

You have to go all the way to the Steelers site just to find a small picture of Zierling.


I've also found the same problem trying to make Starks photoshops...there is just no high resolution pictures of him readily available to use.

Cotter said...

Damn, totally unusable!

Yeah the key is to shrink whatever it is you're photoshopping him into or vice versa. I don't know about you, but my template can only support images that are 400 px wide anyhow.

/end nerd talk

ljkc said...

Lebeau pic is money. :)

Marc said...

I am not worried about Hines' knee, if he's not in throw more to Heath who can hurt anyone, especially a team with an undersized CB (Cromartie 6'2" 180ish) and an unknown secondary with the exception of the SS Wilson. The line needs to hold up reasonably well and we'll be more than fine. I'm excited as hell, hope we prepared well.

random asshole said...

Why do I not believe that Max Starks is the kind of person who would be caught wearing a Lacoste polo?

Vern said...

Dude, Max Starks actually might wear something like that. I only met him for about 5 mins but he was a unique one. Easily one of the cooler Steelers.