April 30, 2009

Lions and Tigers and Swine Flu...Oh My?


Two things to note today, neither of which are substantive about the Steelers. The good news is, there's really nothing substantive to say about the Steelers today. So this works out swimmingly.

First things first - I'm looking for 5-10 people to help me with a little project. All I can tell you is that it involves OFTOT and screwing around on the internets. Plus, you'll get to play around with highly confidential, proprietary, top secret stuff. No dinosaurs, though. So that sucks.

Also, as my net worth is approximately dog shit, all I can offer as compensation is my love and affection (not to mention you'll get to see some stuff that only few others have seen). Hopefully that won't discourage any of you giving souls from offering your services.

Anyways, if you are interested in helping a brother out, hit my inbox - onefortheotherthumb@gmail.com, or just leave a comment and let me know you're on board.

And now that we've got that out of the way, on to the REALLY important stuff.

As you all know, swine flu is an epidemic that's sweeping our great nation. When Bill Clinton (technically, George Bush, but whatev) signed NAFTA, I'll bet he never envisioned Mexico bringing us this. But hey, weird shit happens every day. And if it's going to ruin Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's honeymoon, shit, I'll take it every day of the week.

Still, by all reports, swine flu ain't nothing to mess with.

Luckily, I've been armed since birth with a weapon most people have not. Namely, Cathy. My Mom.

Now, I know many of you have been wondering - "Hmm, what can I do to avoid this nasty hog bug?" - Well, Cath has got you covered.

Read on...

Wow, did you guys know that a good immune system will fight off most illnesses?

And here you thought the answer was something mind blowing, didn't you? Nope, just common cleanliness. Shocking, isn't it?

Not as shocking as the fact that I'm cut from the same DNA as this woman, I'll bet.

By the way, if you're worried about my Mom getting pissed that I put her email on the internet, don't be. I'm pretty sure she learned long ago that anything she does is fair game. Also, I didn't use the f word once. So, I think she'll be ok.

Oh, and if you're looking for a swine flu mask with a little style, take a tip from this clown...

I wonder if he paid Rollie Fingers for the rights to use that faux 'stache?

Now watch these 1976 PSAs...

Betty's Mom is the outbreak monkey.

Signed,
Dr. Cotter

PS - Swine flu can suck it. And also, the Steelers signed Shaun McDonald (WR formerly of the Rams and Lions).

Obligatory Footer - If you haven't already, become a fan of OFTOT on Facebook, join the blog network and follow me on Twitter. Or don't. Your choice, really.

20 comments:

Kristin said...

I guess I am obliged to help you out. :)

I still can't believe Ellie didn't freak out first for once! I will have to pass along the good news to her.

tiny350Z said...

I will humbly offer my services.

The mask on Spencer unfortunately hides his beautiful flesh-beard.

Cotter said...

Yep, move over Ellie. There's a new Sheriff in town!

Cath doesn't mess around.

Get Fresh Designs said...

awesome advice, who would of thought to wash your hands before you leave the bathroom!

neena said...

I was only going to help if it involved dinosaurs, but I guess I'll still do it!

GO PENS!!

Cotter said...

I know. Dinosaurs were a real deal breaker.

For what it's worth, I tried, but T-Rex wanted too much cash and I couldn't get a hold of any of the Velociraptors. SO it would've been a pterodactyl. And let's face it, no one likes a pterodactyl.

Saddest part of this comment? I knew how to spell "pterodactyl" without looking it up. NERD ALERT!

Marc said...

Marc,
Hey, I can help, as long as the reward of "get to see some stuff that only few others have seen" doesn't involve you naked.
Also, I can't photoshop.

Cotter said...

What about Brady Quinn naked? Is that fair game?

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls said...

What's ambrotose? Can you sprinkle it on ice cream?

Cotter said...

I'm glad you asked, JPPB. It's a nutritional supplement that comes in powder form. So yes, I believe it could be sprinkled on ice cream. Though, I believe the prescribed method is to dissolve it in 8 oz. of water or juice.

random asshole said...

If you had to wash your hands everytime you felt dirty, we'd never hear from you again. You ARE a lawyer, after all...

domski43 said...

I hear the swine flu started in the Cleveland Browns locker room shower.

Spreading fear through the media? Thats new.

my mom didn't warn me about the swine flu, does this mean she doesnt love me?

I hope Ovechkin gets the swine flu.

Cotter said...

random asshole ~ I would just like to point out that...
A) As of now, I am only 2/3 of a lawyer, and
B) There are no feasible come backs to that statement

domski ~ Yes, Sandy doesn't love you. She told me to tell you that like two years ago, actually. I just forgot. Ooops, sorry about that. But as long as she keeps making you that German Potato Salad, does it really matter?

domski43 said...

Oh yeah...i like the McDonald signing, being a Steeler could breath new life in his career. Plus, the competition between Sweed, the newest wr drafted this year (not sure of name), and McDonald will only make the 3rd wr position stronger for the steelers.

Grumpy said...

Man, I'll help with your project, unless my older demographic screws things up. Also, as we speak,there are 6 Mexican guys putting a new roof on my house. I'm not shaking hands with any of them.

Cotter said...

domski ~ Plus, I'm sure he came on the cheap. WIN.

Grumpy ~ Hahaha, you may or may not wanna wear a painters mask as well, just to be sure. Also, I'd love to have your help. Age is of no concern to me. The internets don't discriminate and neither do I. Cheers!

Marc said...

I heard you can snort ambrotose, now that's a party...


Actually I've never heard that, but if anyone wants to try it let me know.

Cotter said...

You really shouldn't give me any ideas like that...

random asshole said...

Age is of no concern to me. The internets don't discriminate and neither do I.(This is the obligatory comment about doing six months in Chino for exposing yourself to an eight-year-old.

domski43 said...

8 year olds dude