AFC North Headline Of The Day...

It's hard to be funny when you couldn't care less about something. Am I wrong?

Well, that's how I feel about this whole dog and pony show.

But I love a challenge, so I'm gonna give it a shot anyway. And hey, it can't really get much worse than what you'll find on 99% of the other sports blogs out there, so why the hell not?

Look Kurt Warner, we all know you're not going to sign with the 49ers. And look Arizona, we all know you want to re-sign Kurt Warner lest ye follow that Super Bowl appearance by descending back into the chasm of irrelevancy. So why don't we all just hug and get along?

Maybe you both oughta take a lesson from the band War...

Definitely one of the top 100 songs of all time. Unfortunately, the number of YouTube videos featuring the Smashmouth version is criminal. Hey YouTube, instead of worrying about protecting record labels, maybe you should make sure horrible cover versions of classic songs don't ever poison the ears of the world's youth. And you wonder why they grow up to be like Jeff Reed?

Anyways, I believe what Kurt Warner is trying to pull here is what is now known as the "Brett Favre method." Pretend to be interested in signing with a team that will throw all the money you want at you, but still sucks, in order to force the hand of the organization you really want to play for. Just stop it.

Come on, really, cut the crap.

Arizona - You are the most notoriously tight assed organization on the planet. Have you ever heard the phrase "you gotta spend money to make money?" In case you missed it, you actually have what could become a serviceable fanbase now. With Kurt Warner back at the helm, those ever-hopeful individuals will still believe the Cardinals have a chance at a title. But once you let Kurt Warner walk, forget it.

And Kurt Warner - Your career was just resurrected. For like the 8th time in the last 10 years. You're thirty-effing-eight, for Christ's sake. In Arizona, you have (at least for the time being) Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin and Steve Breaston. Not to mention a pretty solid O-line. Are you telling me you'd rather take your chances with Isaac Bruce's old balls (again)? You are aware that Mike Martz is no longer there, and this is not St. Louis circa 1999, correct?

Get serious, man. And while you're at it, maybe get your old brain checked for dementia. That shit is no joke.

Bottom line = There's gotta be a middle ground somewhere.

By the way, here's what else is going on in the world...



All I can say is - Man, that's bleak.

I particularly like how in the set of pick me ups you see directly above, one happens to relate to assisted suicide. Perhaps there's a hidden message here...

Which reminds me, I would've gone with the Jeff Reed story here, but as you'll see in the links, that hot mess has already been well covered.

And now, about those links...

Jeff Reed must be stopped [PSaMP]

Big Ben's pre-birthday Birthday party in Vegas [Mondesi's House]

More on Jeff Reed's antics... /smacks self in forehead [Busted Coverage]

Here's another mock draft that says the Steelers are going to take Alex Mack. I guess we all better go out and buy custom made Alex Mack jerseys now, right? Please! However, it does have the Steelers getting Phil Loadholt in the 2nd round, which I wouldn't mind happening one bit [Yahoo! Sports]

"Holmes receives star treatment in court." Sounds like Santonio's day in court Thursday was a total farce [Trib]

TJ Douchemanzadeh to the Seacocks. 4 years, 40 million bones. And they don't even have to train him to hate the Steelers [ESPN]

Redskins release Woodland Hills native Jason Taylor. Anyone could've seen that coming [ESPN]

K2 fired up to be rid of the mistake by the lake [CBS Sportsline]

Clark Judge really fanning the fire here [CBS Sportsline]

Bryant Johnson to the Lions. Who's their QB going to be, again? [Associated Press]

Keith's take on the Ryan Whitney trade [The Legend of Vincent Tremblay]

Dodgers secure Doug Mientkiewicz. CHAMPIONSHIP! [WHYGAVS]

This is almost exactly my same experience with Politics. Not that any of you care... [Have A Good Sandwich]

Ash Wednesday shenanigans. I sent out a text to some friends with a pretty sacrilegious joke, myself. I'm also an asshole, but whatever... [Carbolic Smoke Ball]

Finally a video game featuring the Burgh. Unfortunately, your task is to blow it up [Steve Is Alive]

I'm telling you - the value of the Snuggie is vastly underrated [Dug E Fresh Rants]

So wrong but so funny [FAIL Blog]

This, I just...there are no words I can add that will make this story any better. This is one lesson you don't wanna learn the hard way (and yes, I made that joke on Twitter as well) [Blog of Hilarity]

Two pieces of solid Punk Rock News today...
1 = Sublime "reunion" in the works?
2 = Beasties finishing up new album

Badass Bowie mashup from Sheena Beaston [Sheena Beaston]

Today's riffs theme = Songs With Chick's Names In The Title [Friday Morning Riffs]

PS - This is me wearing a suit today...

Cotter wearing a suit is like Lindsay Lohan eating actual meals. It happens from time to time, and every time it does I vomit.

Preliminary call - if you wanna be on this week's MPIE panel, drop me an email like it's hot - onefortheotherthumb@gmail.com

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AFC North Headline Of The Day...

Big time hat tip to Noah for pointing this one out. What a story!

Now, I've got a severe migraine right now, so my commentary is going to be limited and probably insultingly unfunny. So for that I am sorry. But hey, shit happens, as they say.

Anyways, I've been crazy about a lot of things over the years. Mostly beer, chicks, and Thin Mint or Mint Milano cookies. But never in my life have I felt the need to check Facebook so badly that I'd first of all, ask someone I don't know to use their laptop, and second of all, STEAL their laptop. You've gotta have six to eight screws loose to pull some ridiculous shit like that. And balls the size of Ryan Seacrest's ego.

Maybe he just really wanted to post his "25 Things" like everyone else. Only, if that were the case, I don't think we would need him to actually do it to get an idea of what they might be. My guess would be 1-25 = "I am batshit, out of my damn mind, this is the biggest thrill I've had all day besides watching the Tyra Banks Show, crazy." Or something along those lines.

In other random yet hilarious news, my landlord (who's also my downstairs neighbor) has placed a sign in the front window of our building that reads in pertinent part - "Trespassers will be met with IMMEDIATE DEADLY PHYSICAL FORCE."

You know how you know someone isn't effing around? When they say, "Trespassers will be met with IMMEDIATE DEADLY PHYSICAL FORCE."

I'm glad I'm on his side.

Anyways, instead of stealing a laptop to check his Facebook, that dude definitely should've stolen a laptop to read these links...

Who WOULDN'T want to ride a Steelers coaster? [PSaMP]

An interview with Dick Carey, a DB who played under LeBeau in Cincy [BTSC]

Ed Bouchette's free agency predictions. Solid read, and you should def check it out [Post-Gazette]

The Steelers continue to think Willie Colon is worth re-signing. I guess someday I'm going to have to accept the fact that we're stuck with him. Unfortunately, that day will not be today [Post-Gazette]

Everybody loves LaMarr Woodley [KDKA]

Sansmokio's preliminary hearing for that weed charge is apparently today. Someone should definitely stage a smoke out...and don't look at me [Associated Press]

Tomlin to speak to Coaches at Tennessee. No, not Lane Kiffin. Some High School coaches or something...anyways [Go Vols Xtra]

Brandon Jacobs signs a $25 mil deal with the Giants. No surprise there. In fact, I'm not sure why I'm even including this link [Associated Press]

It is kind of ridic how many big name players have been cut this offseason. The economy is effing us all apparently [Mooondog Sports]

Yanni. Pens win [The Pensblog]

Pens trade Ryan Whitney for Chris Kunitz!! [Trib]

Department of Weird Headlines, Dug E Fresh addition - "Game console linked to skin disorder." Subhead should've read "Actually, skin disorder linked to being a dirty 12 year old human being who happens to play video games" [Dug E Fresh Rants]

Apparently Puerto Rico has decided to solve is monkey over population problem by sending some of the surplus to Iran. Come on, we know these are trained CIA monkeys. You're not fooling anyone, Puerto Rico [Associated Press]

The drain on society OctoMom was offered a million dollars from Vivid Video to make a porn. Number one, that is definitely one woman I would not want to watch have sex. Number two, if there was ever a situation that was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway...well, you get the idea. And you're welcome for the assured night terrors [Huffington Post]

Twittering during the State of the Union? Only a Blue Hen... [Carbolic Smoke Ball]

For a blog that premises itself on failure, the FAIL Blog sure continues to succeed in making me piss myself [FAIL Blog]

Theme of today's riffs = "Twisted Love Songs" [Friday Morning Riffs]

I need like two or three more people for this week's Meeting People Is Easy. Come on, somebody step up. I don't feel like sending a mass email today.

PLEASE SEND EXCEDRIN!!!

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