August 26, 2008

Heeey Michael, Whaaat's Happe-ning?


Cut day. I wouldn't know anything about it since I've never played football nor have I ever been cut from any type of organized sports team (unless Extreme Shuffleboard counts). But I often wonder what it must be like when a guy gets cut in preseason. Does Tomlin take him out to Eat 'n' Park breakfast? A French Toast Smile to soften the blow, perhaps? Or is it more like Hoss's for a nice Surf 'n Turf dinner? Or maybe just Sheetz for some tapas?

Like I said, I don't know.

Still, that doesn't mean I can't use my active imagination and explore this a little bit. So for the sake of keeping things remotely entertaining around here, and humoring my odd curiosity, I've jotted down what I would like to think is how a typical cut might go. Below, you'll find the completely fictional and totally lacking in substantive value, exchange between recently departed Mikey Potts and Head BA in Charge, Mike Tomlin. I hope you enjoy.

Here' goes...

Tomlin: Michael, come in. Sit down. Let's chat. You want a Mint Double Stuff'd Oreo? I can't get enough of these things. It's like they took a slice of heaven and put it smack dab between two pieces of devilishly delicious chocolate-y crackers.

Potts: Uh, sure Coach. But umm, is that what you wanted to talk about?

Tomlin: Well, no. Not exactly. See Michael, sometimes there comes a time when people must part ways. Unfortunately for you and I, today is that day. Son, you've been cut.

Potts: But Coach Tomlin, I...

Tomlin: Now Michael, the important thing is that you act like we treat you around here. Like a man. And men don't cry. You hear that, son? Don't you cry on my couch, that's Corinthian leather imported from Newark, New Jersey!

Potts: Sorry Coach, I couldn't help myself. I mean, how could this happen? We went to the same Alma Mater? I thought I was really getting the hang of this NFL thing?

Tomlin: Michael, the reality of it is - sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes the bar eats you. Today, you need to take the next step. Which is, right out the door. Because we're at 80 and we need to be at 75 by tomorrow at 4 PM. I'm sorry son, it just isn't meant to be.

Potts: Well, can I ask a question then?

Tomlin: Sure, lay it on me Martavarius.

Potts: Sir, I'm...nevermind. Listen, what do you think I need to do to elevate my game to NFL level?

Tomlin: Damn these Primanti's sandwiches are ri-dic-u-lous! Have you had one of these? Un-friggin'-believable. A whole year and a half and I could still eat these everyday. Man, how do I get this whole thing into my gullet without tearing an ACL? Wait...what was the question again?

Potts: Uh, what do I need to do to catch on with an NFL team?

Tomlin: Oh right you are, young man.

Potts: Yeah, it was my question.

Tomlin: HEY! Did I say you could talk? Hold up! You wanna know what you need to do to make an NFL squad? Find Dr. James Andrews, Peyton Manning, Vince Young and Tom Brady, and convince the good doctor to learn plastic surgery. 'Cause you'd need Manning's arm, Young's legs and Brady's sex appeal. That or if you just wanna hang around and hold a clip board on the sidelines, you could probably just mug Brady Quinn and throw his jersey on.

Potts: That's fabulous. Real great advice. You know what? I'm happy I'm outta here. You know who needs a QB? Ken Whisenhunt. Mark my words, I will be an Arizona Cardinal soon. I'm calling scout extraordinaire Mike Boni now. Hey, at least I wouldn't throw three picks in a preseason game.

Tomlin: You got a point there, Jeremy.

Potts: Mike.

Tomlin: Who you callin', Mike? You can call me "Sir," "Coach," "Mr. T," or "Tinkerbell." But I know you ain't callin' me, Mike?

Potts: No Coach, my name's Mike.

Tomlin: Oh no it's not. Not anymore. I'm the only Mike in this room. Right now, at least. I'm callin' you, Joey. And Joey, I'd like to show you the door. Because you're friggin' cut! Now clear out before I have to go Bill Cowher on your ass. And let me warn you now, my saliva glands have been working overtime lately!

Potts: Whatever man, this is some BS. Have fun with Orpheus Roye, jagoff.

Tomlin: Wait, Omar Jacobs. You really wanna know why?

Potts: Omar Jacobs? I mean...uh...sure, I'll bite.

Tomlin: We're putting cover sheets on all our TPS reports now. Didn't you get that memo? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Potts: Alright, I'm outta here.

Tomlin: [inner narrative] Hmmm...I wonder what it would taste like if I put the Oreo on the sandwich...Oh man, that's the stuff. Hey, wait a minute, where's my IC Light? ... ... Hey yo Tommy Maddox, get back here!

[Fade Out - Hit play below for accompanying soundtrack selection]


Wow, was that some severe idiocy or what? Comments? Questions? Emotions? I'll wait 'til you're all done jamming to that sick tune...

And in other news today that might actually make you smarter, rather than dumber, Tec interviewed Bob Smizik. Yep, you read that correctly. The foreshadowed interviewee was none other than the man, the myth, the legend himself.

It's a really good read. And while I think there were a few semi-tense moments, each side was very open to what the other had to say. See, we all really can get along.

Of course, that probably wouldn't have been a problem for me, considering Smizik and friends probably don't even know I exist. HA! Under the radar...equip stealth armor...cloak Toyota Camry...

[EDITOR'S NOTE/UPDATE -- I refuse to devote an entire post to this, but the team just made what should be it's final cut of the week - Tight End, Cody Boyd. I can see you're all really broken up about it. I'll let you mourn in peace...]

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Stoops

The Immortal Silky Johnson said...

Very KSK. I loved it. It's right up there with stories from Double-J!!!

tecmo said...

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta...

random asshole said...

Never cut from a sports team, eh? I'm sure you've been thrown out of your share of bars. It's basically the same thing.

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls said...

I wonder what Mike Potts thinks of this. He'll probably weigh in with an "anonymous" comment.

domski43 said...

We have not seen the last of Mike Potts

Cotter said...

anon ~ Stoops? As in, Bob?

silky ~ Double J? Like, the wrestler?

tec ~ Damn it feels good to be Mike Tomlin?

random asshole ~ I've been thrown out of bars, grocery stores, your average bodega, stadiums, drive thru windows and of course, the play place at McDonald's. But the beauty is - there's always another of each close by. Weak correlation between my comment and yours. But I just thought I'd put it out there...

[PS - the entire previous comment is completely fictional...Cotter has never been ejected from any such establishments...he just thinks it makes for a humorous comment...well ok, McDonald's play place is true...]

jppb ~ I strongly encourage Mikey Potts to weigh in. In fact, if anyone knows Mikey Potts, feel free to put him in touch with me. I think the man could use a drink...

domski ~ Correct, just like Orpheus Roye, Mikey Potts will return, triumphantly. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not in this decade. But some day...

Cotter said...

PS - domski ~ You should introduce Mikey Potts to Mike Boni. Something tells me that could be the beginning of a beautiful professional relationship...

domski43 said...

the wheels are already turning...mike is on a flight to arizona as we speak

The Immortal Silky Johnson said...

Cotter- Not, the wrestler Double-J. Although he's is definitely hilarious. I was refering to Jerry Jones. Head cowgirl!

Cotter said...

What does any of this have to do with Vietnam? I mean, Jerry Jones...

Milton said...

Coach Mike Lumberger?

Gimme back my stapler...

tomlinhater2008 said...

"the wheels are already turning...mike is on a flight to arizona as we speak"

***

Who? Tomlin? We should be so lucky...maybe they'll give Wiz back in return...

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