Ladies and Gents, I Give You, Willie Parker...

Well I believe I said something like 28-10. But Tec bested that with 35-14. And Doug trumped all, predicting the exact score of 38-17. Wow. How?...I mean...alright then.

Who could have asked for a better start to the season? A convincing 38-17 win. Tom Brady out, possibly for the season. Week 2 against the so-called "formidable" Browns (who lost yesterday, by the way). I'm tied for tops in the pick 'em pool. Texas Arizona has approximately 40 or 50 of my hard earned dollars. I think it's safe to say at no turn did the universe let me down yesterday (though I am getting my ass handed to me by Mondesi's House in the Steelers Thunderdome league...Maurice Jones-Drew, Chris Cooley and Laveraneus Coles, I'm lookin' at you).

As for the individuals who made this happen, I'd like to thank...

1. Master Fly W. Large
AKA the fast one, Willie Parker. On Friday, I mentioned that I was hoping to see a big game from Willie. Well he must have gotten that message, because he lit the Texans "vaunted" defense up for 138 yards on 25 carries, with THREE touchdowns, one more than he had all of last season. Broken leg? What broken leg. Willie looks ready to roll on any and all takers. Next up, Cleveland Brownies and defensive savior, Shaun Rogers. How do I think Willie will do? Let's see, ummm, how about 176 yards on 23 carries. Sound fair?

2. LaMarr Woodley
This man needs a badass nickname. And fast. Woodley was the yin to Silverback's yang, providing an equally imposing presence on the other side of the linebacking corps. A sack and a BIG time interception. What else do you want me to say? He was awesome.

3. Silverback
The only reason I put Woodley above him on the list is because Woodley's a kid. But that doesn't take anything away from Silverback's THREE sacks and nine total tackles, including seven solo. Once again, he played out of his mind. I guess they must have told him before the game that Matt Schaub doesn't believe in baptizing children.

4. Big Ben
Come on, how could I leave Bennie out? Here's what I liked - he did what he had to do. All of the throws he did make, looked like they were well planned and well placed. 13/14, 138 yards, 2 TDs. A 147 passer rating. Take that Carson Palmer, Drew Brees and Tony Romo (ahem, Peter King)! By the way, Homo Romo racked up 320 yards against the Browns secondary yesterday. Imagine what Big Ben's gonna do next Sunday...I know I will be...

5. Hines Ward
Ok, I freely admit that one of the topics we pondered for the pregame show was - Is Hines Ward getting too old? I wasn't saying yes or no either way. But thankfully we didn't even bother discussing it. Because if we did, I would've had to post a retraction today. 6 catches, 76 yards, 2 TDs and a number of key blocks and immeasurable plays we don't even need to mention here. Hines Ward is still a force. Better wake up, Cleveland. Hines is coming for you!

Now this all said, I was really hoping we'd get the ball to Santonio more. But listen, I'm not gonna get pissed about that when we won 38-17. I mean, the less we use him now, the more we can use him later, right?

Anyways, I did also like getting Heath Miller into the mix. And Troy looked like the Troy of old, flying all over the field, even nabbing an INT. Let's hope he continues that for the rest of the season. Because we now look poised to do a lot better than anyone thought. I'd love for everyone who questioned the Steelers potential success based on our assholish schedule to eat their words. But I say that aspirationally, 'cause, you know, it's ummm, Week 2.

Bring on the Browns!!! I can't [redacted] wait!

What'd you guys think? Were you going out of your minds during that whole game? Who impressed you the most? And how do you feel about next Sunday against the Brown stains?

Also, I'd like to thank Tobiathan again for doing an awesome job liveblogging the game in the comments yesterday. I don't know how he does it. Liveblogging is about as easy as deciphering a Rubik's Cube. But Steelbiathan has it down to a science. Excellent work man! I gotta get you a liveblogging plug-in so we can get you liveblogging on an actual post.

Ah football, how I love thee. Happy Friggin' Monday!

The Many Faces of Willie Parker...

Just kidding. Sort of. Willie Parker is Willie Parker, for all intents and purposes. But everyone seems to love Clinton Portis' playful alter egos. So I got to thinking - what if Willie Parker dreamed up some creative aliases of his own? Well, I've gone ahead and done the legwork for him. And you all.

The results are below.

Read on and don't forget to vote on the poll to your left for whichever strikes your fancy.

And now, I introduce you to...

#1 ~ Master Fly W. Large

This is an easy one. Obviously FWP would have an alter pimp personality. At first, I thought maybe he could just call this one FWPimp. But then I thought - that's not nearly fitting enough. What would CP do? And then I discovered the Pimp Handle Generator, which gave me - "Master Fly W. Large." Thank God Al Gore for the internets.

#2 ~ Admiral Franklin W. Pennington

Commander of the Allegheny. Mighty Captain of the Monongahela. Expert navigator of the Ohio. Admiral Pennington puts the motion in the...well, river. But he does it in style. See that hat he's got there. Fierce! Nobody weathers a storm like the Admiral (as he's called for short). He'll man the steering wheel, raise the mast and swab the deck all at the same time. Take 'em to the brig, private Mendenhall!

#3 ~ Barack Obama

Not really. Just wanted to keep you on your toes.

#4 ~ The Anklebreaker

Three-time NFLWF World Champion and amateur hair model. You've heard of The Undertaker. This is his darker counterpart, The Anklebreaker. Standing an intimidating 6'7," The Anklebreaker is a force to be reckoned with. His finishing move is the "Double Juke" and it leaves opponents with two broken ankles and a severely bruised ego. The Anklebreaker doesn't mess around. You come in his path, he's going to take you down to Chinatown. Or perhaps in this case, the Strip District.

#5 ~ Johnny Smoothlove, The 3rd

One part Bob Barker, one part Jude Law, and all charm. Smoothlove comes from a long line of womanizers and has reportedly slept with a solid 700 ladies, at last count. He makes his home in a houseboat docked in Malibu, CA and has similar outfits in London, Rome and Paris. Fathers hide your daughters, here comes Johnny Smoothlove, the 3rd.

What was all that? ... No idea. Terrible. Really, awful. This party sucks, I'm out.

Beware 85 - The Sandman Cometh...

“If anybody comes across the middle, if they don’t duck, I’m going to make something happen.”
- Anthony "Sandman" Smith

Cue Metallica! Hey 8-5, remember 2-7? That's right, the man that messed your day up on October 28 is waiting for you again with baited breath. Watch your back, and stay away from the middle, 'cause the Sandman Cometh...

Well friends, it's Friday, and you know what that means. Time for a little talk about what the Steelers should do to be successful against the Bungles Sunday evening. I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty psyched to be playing in prime time yet again, despite the Steelers dubious record in past Sunday night games. And who better to go head to head with than the division rival Bungles?

But before we even get that far, I think it's important to talk about the number of "milestones" that could be reached in Sunday's game. These being:

1. A win will make Mike Tomlin the 2nd Steelers Head Coach to post a winning record in his rookie season (yes the other is Cowher)
2. Two more Touchdowns and/or one more 100-yard receiving game and Hines Ward can take over sole possesion of those all-time team records (currently held by Stallworth and Louis Lipps respectively)
3. One more touchdown pass and Big Ben will move into a tie for 3rd all time (24 - Terry Bradshaw) in terms of touchdowns in a single season

Just a few things you all should know, so you can keep those on your radar as you're watching Sunday's action.

And now for the fun stuff. If you read this blog with regularity, you know that I do this every week, and every week these keys seem to look a lot alike. So I apologize in advance if you think I'm repeating myself. But as you all well know, football is a relatively simple game, and thus the keys, aren't going to be rocket science. Nonetheless, check 'em out, enjoy 'em, digest 'em, shit 'em out. Too much? Yeah probably...let's just get to it. Here are the keys that I see on both sides of the ball:

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OFFENSE:

• 867-5309 ~ Bruce Arians and Big Ben this is for you - let's dial the right numbers in this game, shall we? I've defended Arians lately because I don't think he's been getting a fair shake from most fans. But that doesn't mean I don't think our play calling hasn't been suspect at times. Call the plays that will move the ball. There's no need to get cute too often. This is the Bengals Defense. They can't stop the run. They can't stop the pass. Stick to a balanced but not overly predictable game plan. Let FWP do his thing. Spread the ball around. Take what they're giving you and get 7 points off your drives. I know we like field goals a lot lately, but 4 more points would be pretty nice if you guys think you can handle that...


• Heath. Miller. Touchdown. ~ And not just because he needs one more score to achieve a new season high mark for his short career. But when the Steelers Star Tight End catches a touchdown, the team is 11-4. I like those odds. Of course, I'm the 1st to admit numbers don't make realities. But when Miller is a factor in games, that presents just one more threat for the opposing defense to account for. Plus, this gives me an excuse to scream "It's Miller Time" all day whilst drinking a half case of Rolling Rock "nips" (Aside: Does anyone know what the story is there? Why the hell are these things called "nips" and not "ponies?" If you've got answers, email me. I must know).


• Get Your Willie Parker On ~ Over the past four games, FWP has only 280 total yards rushing, an average of 70 per game. Not exactly the pro bowl numbers we've grown to expect from our favorite undrafted stud. So I think you'll all agree with me when I say - FWP has to be a big part of Sunday's game. In case you hadn't heard, the Bengals Offense is quite good, and while I have confidence that we can contain them, the less they see of the field, the better. In order to keep them on the sidelines, however, we'll need to be able to control the game when OUR offense has the ball. Vis-a-vis, ipso facto, Willie Parker needs 22+ carries. Maybe throw a little Najeh in there once or twice as well. This might prove to be a little more difficult without Dan Kreider, but we've been trying Carey Davis at FB all year. Sooner or later, FWP is just going to have to get used to life without Kreider. Sad as it may make him...and me...sometimes I cry when I think about losing Dan Kreider...oh, here I go again...see what you made me do.

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DEFENSE:

• Cornhole Carson Palmer ~ If you don't know what that's in reference to, click the link or search that on Google. I'm not just some sick asshole...at least not because of this. Anyways, what I mean is - just as we did so well on Monday night, get in the QB's face. Make him force throws, take sacks, maybe even toss Ike a pick or two. The Bungles passing extravaganza has been good enough this season to be ranked #3 in the league. That's pretty dern good. And we all heard about what a great outing Ocho Cinco had last week. So principally, to neutralize this, we have to neutralize the man with the ball in his hands. If you don't give Carson Palmer time to find an open Chad, TJ or Chris, how can he throw to them? However, no Kimo von Oelhoffen treatment please...we don't need to win that way...not again at least.


• Screw Rudi Johnson ~ This really doesn't have a ton to do with our Defense actually. Fact is, Rudi Johnson has averaged only 2.7 yards per carry when outdoors on the road (thus far in 2007). Sounds like a nice combination to me. Beyond being his own worst enemy however, I think it'd be nice if we could focus on tackling. Johnson is a north-south back with a low center of gravity, and he can run it up the middle just as well as any in the league. Our line may have to do some extra leg work on this, but it's nothing we can't handle. I also wouldn't mind seeing James Harrison force a Rudi Johnson fumble or two. He's already coughed it up three times outdoors this season, losing two of those, so you never know. Sort him out Silverback.


• Put Chris Henry On Lockdown ~ He ought to be used to this by now anyhow...but I digress. I simply mean, over the last two games Henry has played against the Steelers he's averaged 81.6 yards receiving, including THREE touchdowns. Over those same two games, Ocho Cinco has averaged 32 yards receiving with ZERO scores and TJ "Douchemanzadeh" (credit = Joey Porter's Pit Bulls) has averaged 69 yards with TWO scores (coming in the same game). So it would seem that we need to keep a collective eye on Chris Henry. After all, the stadium security is only so numerous. Tis a dirty job but somebody's gotta do it. I can't wait to see what Henry thinks of The Sandman...

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I'm not going to get into "Special" Teams this week because (A) We already know the problems that could arise there, (B) They actually played a pretty good game on Monday and (C) It's 1AM right now and I'm tired. Hence, I deem that there's no need to discuss them separately here...or something...

So there they are. Los llaves a victoria (keys to victory...I think...either that or "I love dinosaurs"). Now that I've shared with you all, let's have a little reciprocation. What do YOU think will be important to a Steelers victory on Sunday? Will Chris Henry make it to Kickoff without finding his way into a pair of handcuffs? Will TJ Douchemanzadeh run into Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake and get his ponytail cut? Will the Steelers Defense bring new meaning to the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic?

PS - The one thing I actually do like about Cincinnati?...the Ben-Gals...


For A Good Time, Also Read:
Fair Warning [SteelCityInsider]
Steelers vs. Bengals - A Pivotal Matchup [Behind The Steel Curtain]
Steelers vs. Bengals By The Numbers [Behind The Steel Curtain]
Bengals Primer Against The Pittsburgh Steelers [Cincy Jungle]
Steelers-Bengals: What To Look For [WPXI]
Bengals Say They're Ready for Heinz Field [KDKA]

Help FWP Help The Kids...

If you read One For The Other Thumb with any regularity (and god bless you if you do), you'll know I very seldom write any kind of remotely serious post. But tonight is an exception to that rule.

I just wanted to urge you all to go vote for our own Sir Fast William Everette Parker as FedEx's Ground Player of the Week. And as if sheer allegiance wasn't enough motivation, if Willie is voted the winner, FedEx will donate $5,000 to the Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh.

So do your civic duty and go vote his ass in. I wanna see a bunch of smiling faces at that Children's Hospital come Friday night. What are you waiting for, get to it!

[Vote FWP]

Big Ben - 9 | Ohio - 0

"That's why they're 5-2 and we're 2-5. Good teams put it in the end zone. Teams like us kick field goals."
- TJ Houshmanzadeh

Whine all you want, Cincinnati. Had you gone for it on 4th down instead of kicking a field goal, A- there's a good chance you would've gotten ZERO points off that drive and B- the 2nd guessing would be even worse than it is already. So I'd just take your loss like men, and deal with the fact that you've fallen way behind in the division and probably won't even make the playoffs. That ought to occupy you for a while...Oh yeah, and Anthony Smith slept with all your mothers...

But Steeler fans - Guess what? - we needed a win and we got a win! We took an embarrassing loss on the chin and shrugged it off this week to put down our not-so-worthy division rivals, the Bengals, and reaffirm our position atop the AFC North...for now. The bad news, if there is any at all, is the Browns (!) beat the Rams this afternoon 27-20, which means they're still just a game back, moving into 2nd place ahead of the Ravens. So the division is quite unsettled right now. But let's not go there. We won today. Let's just revel in that. Bask in the glory of beating a team whose city wanted a win so bad that elephants in their zoo were crushing pumpkins with Big Ben's picture on them. What a bunch of assholes.

The final score was 24-13, but it might as well have been 42-13 the way we controlled that game. Big Ben, FWP, Hines Ward and company took care of the ball today, mixed it up, and played the balance game we needed to stand victorious, while Farrior, Ike Taylor and Anthony Smith kept a lid on the Bengals so-called "electrifying" offense, holding their big three - Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmanzadeh to a respectable 205 yards through the air and only 1 TD. Pretty, pretty, pretty good, I'd say.

Now that we've won, let's take a look back at my thoughts from Friday and how the Steelers followed or did not follow what I thought we should do:

• Run the god damn ball: Check! Run it, then run it some more, we sure did. FWP carried exactly 22 times (whoa...prophetic...) for 126 yards and 1 score and Najeh added 8 carries for 23 yards. I'd say that's pretty successful indeed.


• Deploy a balanced offensive attack: Check! In addition to the 30 rushes by FWP and Deuce Davenport, the Steelers threw the ball 26 times, with Ben completing 19 passes for 230 yards and 2 TDs. Sure, he threw a pick...in the red zone...and that's pretty bush league. But I'm going to let it slide since he played a pretty decent game otherwise. I will say this though - Ben needs to get his passes down. There were too many balls above Hines and Santonio's heads that could have gotten them hit hard had the Bengals played any defense today. Watch out for those guys Ben, they're your lifeblood right now. Still, as I mentioned we needed to do on Friday, the Steelers mixed it up well, and were able to control the game with sustained, efficient drives. In fact, 3 out of 8 Steeler drives lasted 6 minutes or longer and 2 of those 3 were scoring drives (the 3rd would've been another score had Ben not thrown that pick). Can you say efficiency?


• Stop the Bengals passing machine: Check! Carson "I like wieners" Palmer - 23 for 31, 205 yards and only 1 TD. Chad "I just gotta be me" Johnson - 5 catches, 51 yards, 0 TDs. TJ "I'd like some cheese with my whine" Houshmanzadeh - 7 catches, 81 yards, 1 TD. Ok, that last stat wasn't exactly ideal. But neither of the twin towers broke 100 yards or had more than 1 score. So I consider that a success. Although, at the risk of being a wet blanket - we did not register a single sack, and I really didn't see us in the backfield often enough to make Carson Palmer sweat. That was unfortunate. Plus, the other thing I would have liked to have seen that I didn't see from a defensive scheme POV was pressing the receivers a little more. We kept giving them the 8-10 yard cushion we gave the Denver receivers and for at least the beginning of the game, they took it. We just can't continue to allow this. What more can I say? Good receivers will take that cushion and exploit it. We need to move up to the line and knock them off their routes. Get on their case a bit. Don't make it easy on them. Sort it out.


• More facetime for Woodley: Fail! I hardly saw Woodley at all. I guess when you're winning it's the ol' "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" mantra. And I can respect that. Nonetheless, I'm not sure Woodley saw the field at all today, and he certainly didn't make any tackles. So just another thing to think about in the future. One man we did see a lot of today though, was Anthony Smith. And thank god for that. I don't think I have to say much more about him than his hit on Houshmanzadeh said for itself. The team's leading tackler this week - Smith made 10 tackles, 9 solo - Fear the wrath of Anthony Smith. Maybe Ryan Clark should get injured more often? (kidding...sort of)


• No stupid penalties: Check! 3 penalties for 30 yards but none at crucial moments in the game. Though just about anything (and everything) Kendall Simmons does right now is stupid. Thanks for the false start asshole. Way to make a positive contribution to the game.


• Put some breathing room between us and the Ravens: See above...Check!

Some other moments to cherish, not mentioned above:

• Silverback stripping the ball from Kenny Watson in dramatic fashion. Looked like Harrison brought the friggin' hammer down on that ball. I don't blame Watson for coughing it up. Bravo Silverback!


• Marvin Lewis' post-game quotables - "We are not overmatched. We were outplayed, outexecuted, and I was outcoached." Sounds like a personal problem to me...


• Big Ben hooking up with Santonio for 42 yards on the Steelers 2nd drive. Funny how much easier it is to throw the home run ball when your offense is rolling...


• Remember Hines Ward? He's not dead yet. Ok, he's not that old. But considering how much of a non-factor he has been this season, today was a pleasant surprise. Obviously we should be looking his way more often in the coming weeks. Bonus.


• Hope you didn't adjust your TV set. The Bengals did only have 10 players on the field for that last Pittsburgh TD. Sucks for them. I don't know what else to tell you.

One way or another, I'd say I'm very please with the way things went on the field today. We played our game, plain, simple and disciplined (for the most part). But again, coming in, we regarded this as a winnable game. The kind you need to have to gain momentum. This coming week we've got another big division game against the dirty birds of Baltimore, the Ravens. Another big MONDAY NIGHT game at that, in which I hear we'll be celebrating the Steelers 75th anniversary. Yellow helmets, great. Consider me psyched...

With that, it's 11:00PM and I'm beat. So that'll be all for today. Feel free to comment and tell me your thoughts on the game. Good, bad, outlandish. Any and all are encouraged. Let's have 'em!

Post-game coverage:
[DC Steeler Nation]
[Joey Porter's Pitbulls]
[Behind The Steel Curtain]
[Non-Stop Steelers]
[Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies]
[Blitzburgh Report]
[The Steel Tradition]
[Die Hard Steel]
[Fanhouse]

[KDKA]
[Associated Press]
[Post-Gazette]
[SteelCityInsider]
[CBS Sportsline]
[Tribune-Review]
[Steelers.com]

Throw One More Up for Fast Willie...

Parker, Fast Willie Parker that is.

The man who arguably led the Steelers offense last year just got another strong vote of confidence** from all around cool guy and Sirius NFL analyst/Fox Sports correspondent Adam Schein - who named him one of his top NINE (interesting number for a "top" whatever list) "most underrated stars".

Schein only briefly discusses each player, so he doesn't really have time to mention the exemplary numbers Parker posted last season. However he does make it a point to call out Steeler fans for continuing to clamor for a traditional "big back" despite the fact that Willie was the most consistently reliable offensive weapon last season - his third(thanks Mike for correction...tough week) season in the league and first in the absence of Jerome Bettis.

Schein's right to call it ridiculous, you know -- I mean I myself, while I love Willie and his ability to break a game wide open, still kind of feel deep down that we need another big back. Not to take over the primary ball carrier role, I think Willie has that more than covered, but someone who on 3rd and short can come in and bust through the line for that much needed yardage. Plus, there are a lot of Steeler fans that would take that one step further to say we need a big back to pound it through on every down with Willie stepping in only occasionally.

Regardless, Willie Parker is definitely underrated by both the general public and many Steeler fans alike (though the latter are dwindling 50 yard TD run by 50 yard TD run). I'm just glad he is getting some well-deserved recognition...now let's hope he builds on last year's success and has another pro bowl campaign in 2008.
And also, has anyone noticed - boy, do...I...love...me... some lists...

**Not to be overlooked - Chris Hope also made this list...

Link - Willie Parker Fan Club

Spotlight on Willie Parker...

Anyone else remember Omar Epps in "The Program"? If so, then you remember Epps played the supremely talented but totally assholish (yet another word I've made up) Darnell Jefferson, a promising young tailback who has one small problem...he fumbles the football too much. So the coach makes him walk around with a football all day while his teammates try and make him fumble...at class, in the gym, etc. Well our Willie Parker has a similar problem, albeit to a much lesser degree and without all the Hollywood drama (but who knows, maybe Willie wants to date Halle Berry too?).

As we all know, if there's one thing that Fast Willie could improve upon it would be his fumbling issues. He's not exactly Ahman Green or Tiki Barber, but anytime you put the ball on the ground you're talkin' trouble. So, for lack of any other glaring weaknesses, it wasn't surprising that Steelers beat writer Jim Wexell focused on this when he sat down with Parker recently. A good read if you have 3 minutes...

Here's my take on all this: Sure, it's a problem. But like most Steelers, Willie Parker is a fiery guy. He works hard and has been training tirelessly in the offseason, to the point of feeling like he's about to vomit, so that he has no excuses when September rolls around. I applaud Willie for his dedication. It's obviously this work ethic that has helped him, as an undrafted free agent, become a pro bowl tailback in a league full of teams that feature two first/second/third rounders sharing carries.

As for how Parker will fare in 2007: I commented on AOL Fanhouse blogger JJ Cooper's post about Willie's "problem" thusly -- as the Steelers spread the field and use four wide, go no huddle or just throw defenses off by being generally unpredicatable, Willie Parker will flourish. If the Steelers are able to establish this type of an offense, we might as well get used to 75 yard Willie Parker touchdown runs, cause I think we'll be seeing a lot more of them than any of us could have expected. Can't wait.

What do you think? Is Willie Parker the guy for the Steelers, despite lacking the prototypical size and running style? Who will be the 2nd and 3rd options behind him? How many runs of 45 yards or more do you think he'll show us next season? You think maybe Ichiro hates Cleveland because he's a Steeler fan?