Why Can't We Be Friends...

Might as well cue this up while you're at it...

I've got this friend, Tori, who's a Ravens fan. I work with her, actually. But she's one of those semi-rare people that I actually like spending time with outside the confines of our concrete prison.

Anyways, she talks a lot of shit. I'm not gonna lie.

I just usually sit there and try to play the role of the level headed fan..."Yeah, the Ravens defense does look pretty good this year." "Yeah, the Steelers are having some problems consistently moving the ball and scoring TDs on Offense." "Yeah, I do think Kyle Boller is probably a better dancer than Joe Flacco." These are all things you might hear me say to her if you were a fly on the wall during one of our AFC North conversations.

But, here's the thing - I can't remember too many times in which I've talked shit back. Frankly, that kind of unchecked aggression makes me think the job's already been done for me. Anyone who has to purvey their hatred for an opposing team so vociferously, in my opinion, clearly recognizes what they're up against. Otherwise, they wouldn't care.

So I wasn't surprised to read this quick story on Baltimore channel 13's web site (by the way, the station's call letters are WJZ, so I'm henceforthe calling it W-Jizz).

I'm not going to even bore you with the mundane details, because I'm only referencing it for the "colorful" and "passionate" quotes you'll find below. These are both the editor and fans' opinions on the Steelers in advance of Sunday's battle. Give them a read and I'll see you on the other side...

"There's no other way to put it, Ravens fans just hate, hate, hate the Steelers and anyone who looks like them."

"The Steelers, where do they rate? The toilet. I hate them."

"Anything to do with black and yellow, I despise."
[COTTER NOTE: Yes, because purple is clearly superior...and also, it's GOLD, smart guy]

"'I get sick of hearing about the defense,'" said another, noting that the media seems to love the Steelers."

"Don't let that hate go to waste. Make sure to watch the game, either live or on TV. This kind of emotional venting only comes every so often."

Ok, listen up, Ravens fans. Dewey Hammond and Chimp Rage (possibly...fandom has yet to be confirmed) aside, clearly you're a bunch of spiteful dicks (in general). And look, I don't blame you. If I was from Baltimore, I'd be pissed off too. Isn't that city like the nexus of all illegal firearms dealing on the East Coast? Either way, it's STD central. But seriously, temper your hatred a bit there, hoss.

Oh, so you hate the Steelers? Why do you suppose that is? Because the Ravens have lost to them 15 times over the course of the team's 11 year existence? Boo hoo. I guess you brought those tears with you from Cleveland to Bitchmore, huh? Go cry to Art Modell. None of us wanna hear your bitter hatred.

Steelers fans? Yeah, I'm sure you could walk down the street right now in Pittsburgh and at least seven out of 10 people you talk to would say that they have a strong to very strong dislike for the Ravens. But I doubt anyone would say that they "despise anything purple and white." That's just silly (though I wouldn't put it past a few of 'em).

Of course, in reality, I can understand why they'd have such hatred towards us. I kind of feel the same way about the Patriots. And the Browns when they're not sucking algae off the bottom of the AFC North standings...and by algae, I mean the Bengals. So, you know what? I'm cool with it. Say whatever you assholes want. But remember this - no amount of hatred can will your precious Ravens to victory on Sunday. And come on, just admit that you hate yourselves, too...especially you, Michael Phelps.

I will say one thing for Baltimore, though - they've got a sick ass aquarium, man. Nice work there. Now, if you could only balance the aquariums to crack houses ratio...

Hey, so how about in the comments y'all let everyone know exactly how you feel about the Ravens? And let me just preface - I'm all for impassioned responses, but just try and keep it somewhat chemically balanced, alright? That said, comments about tasering Ray Lewis are welcomed and encouraged. So let's have at it...

PS - Not that it matters, but the alternate title for this one was going to be, "Now Is The Winter Of Their Discontent," and the accompany image was going to be this...

Quoth the Kicker, Nevermore.