October 6, 2008

Dear Diary...

By Tobiathan

Dear Diary,

I hate football officials. Really - I hate them all. I hate each and every one of farggin' iceholes exactly *twice* as much as they hate my Steelers.

No matter how hard I try, I just can't figure it out: every, every week in every single Steelers game the refs, umps, judges and all the rest figure out some way to make calls that nobody else can understand. Sometimes, even, nobody ever HEARD of the rules these striped-shirted undercover criminal turds create to annoy and sabotage my Steelers.

From coin flips to imaginary holding calls to sudden, total, Steelers-defense-induced offensive holding blindness these officials are stricken with un-possible afflictions that make them blind, deaf and stupid. I'm gonna call it "The Steel City GameDay Official Intellectual Enema". It's what every striped-shirt has before calling a Steelers game.

Do you KNOW how many W's, how many AFC Championships, how many hours of joyous online humiliation of Patriots fans these zebra bastages have cost me? I once calculated that my Stillers would have 12 SuperBowl Championships if it wasn't for this contagious, persistent disease that is offical stupidity. It's a wonder the amateur leagues haven't fallen victim to it yet.

It's an epidemic sickness. It's some kinda secret procedure officials give each other before Pittsburgh NFL games. It's something.

Whatever it is. it's gonna give me an aneurysm someday. My head almost exploded last night. If it wasn't for my Official Pittsburgh Steelers Beanie Cap, my gray-matter woulda jellified last night.

I have a theory on why it's so constant. You wanna hear it, Diary? Good: I think that every official the NFL hires was a fan of a team the Steelers beat in a Super Bowl in the '70's. Seriously - all these Helen Keller Club members are so great at making insane calls at the worst moments in every Steelers gam,e I KNOW they're doing it on purpose!

Or, maybe, they're all just out to get ME, Diary! You know - they ALL look at me funny, through that damned screen....smiling just a little every time the try to ruin a game. I see 'em. They don't think I do, but I DO, Diary! And I know you do too.

That's why I love you :-)

The only good thing about it all is that even this conspiracy of ignoramuses can't stop our Steelers. That makes me happy. Almost as happy as YOU make me, Diary!

I love you, Diary. More than I hate them. By Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiss much! :-)


Your BFF,

- Tobiathan

PS- Did I mention how much I hate the refs?


tecmo said...

The Nate Washington "taunt" for showing the ball to the Jags' bench...awful.

The Harrison roughing? Worst thing I've ever seen.

That's two straight weeks our OLBs (Woodley against the Ravens, Silverback against the Jags) have been needlessly flagged for late hits on the QB, when they were following through on a QB who was still in the throwing motion. That was an unreal display by the refs.

tobiathan doesn't *really* have a diary. honest! said...

I know we don't agree on everything, Tecmo, but i'm glad to know we agree on this.

Although this *was* written as a satire, there's obviously a high degree of truth to it. I honestly see at least one unbelievable call in nearly every game we play. Most often it comes at the worst possible time, and makes no sense at all.

There is definitely a bias on the part of NFL officials against the Pittsburgh Steelers. People might like to say the old "officials and calls are part of the game", but a little research would likely confirm that Pittsburgh gets an awful lot of "official apologies for bad calls".

Anyway- this was written in fun, and doesn't necessarilly mean i *really* think this way. Much....

Christy said...

I got very little sleep last night as well. :p

Sheena Beaston said...

great entry tobiathan

makes me LYLAS

tobiathan rawks the eighties-pop said...

Why thaaaaaaaaaank you, Ms. Beaston!

Any compliment from anyone brave enough to glamorize a defunct '80s pop-chic is good stuff to me :-)

I don't exactly work "9 to 5" on it, but it seems to be on time like The Morning Train ;-P

Cotter said...

For the record, I love you like a sister as well, T.

Dude looks like a lady-boy said...


Gee, that's great. Can i borrow your pink, fuzzy panties?


Your Sister-

tobiathan should be vp of officiating. screw mike peirera. turdmuncher. said...

I really did hate seeing Silverbackbeing pulled backwards by the jersey by OTs and geting tackled by Jagoff O-linemen all nite. There was no way the zebras couldn't see that blatant shee-ot....

The Chief said...

"farggin' iceholes" - I got that one!

I, too, liked Johnny Dangerously!

tobiathan dangerously said...


Nice to see somebody got my little "Dangerously" ref...i was starting to think this was a movie-stoopid crowd.

The fellthy bastages!