March 15, 2008

This Post Has Nothing to Do With Football...

So if you're not into being entertained, feel free to tune out now.

Now, for those of you left over...prepare to hear a tale of one severe nerd dedicated blogger's trip to arguably one of the weirdest most beautiful places on earth - Los Angeles, California.

As you may have noticed, I took a little trip to the city of angels last week (as you read this I am most likely en route back to antarctica Manhattan), and my primary focus was visiting some of LA's finest law schools - evaluating them as potential transfer destinations.

Boy was this one hell of a trip. And just to give you an idea of what I mean...I'm going to take you through my Friday. Oh and be warned, there is gratuitous and unnecessary use of the 3rd person throughout...apologies in advance.

Here's the recap in no uncertain terms:
7:15 AM (PDT) - wake up, jerk it shower, yoga, dress self, jerk it again, check weather - 72 degree high (score), leave hotel room.

8:40 AM - hit Ralph's - pick up a little breakfast action, some q-tips and body lotion (jerks at hotel failed to hook this up...obviously not aware that Cotter has dry skin...insensitive assholes).

9:50 AM - arrive at law school #1 for tour/class visit.

10 AM - tour begins. Notice flamboyantly gay asian dude (a law school diversity coordinator's wet dream) with circa 1993-94 skater cut (cotter knows because he had one - also referred to as modified bowl cut), sweatpants tucked into black socks, jutting out from reflective silver hi-top sneakers (possibly Nike Air Force, unable to tell), carrying green Adidas man bag. Spend most of tour wondering where the hell this gaysian came from...eventually find out - Dallas, Texas...of course...

12 PM - class ends. Old dude next to Cotter begins talking to him about some nonsense...only listen long enough to make insightful comments like "mmm hmmm," and "wow, that must've been tough...syphilis is no joke" (kidding about 2nd one). Old dude informs Cotter he is a writer/actor, originally from New York. Jokes that Cotter has probably never met a Jew, being that he lives in New York and all. Cotter laughs and plays along. Dude then tells Cotter he is Jewish...Cotter shocked...not.

12:30 PM - depart law school #1 for Santa Monica lunch with co-worker from LA office (who has dubious distinction of carrying same name as arguably Cleveland's biggest comedic success)...Distance - 11.4 miles, travel time - 45 minutes...this proves to be quickest drive of day.

1:15 PM - lunch with co-worker at bar and grill across street from office. Recognizing that beers will be involved - call 2nd law school, ask to postpone tour from 2 PM to 4 PM.

2:50 PM - two Sam Adams, one bowl of tomato soup and one grilled cheese sandwich later, depart for 2nd law school visit. Distance - 12.3 miles, travel time - 1 hour, 25 minutes. Cotter curses LA traffic.

4:15 PM - second law school tour. Notice short asian-ish looking girl with stiletto heels, fishnet stockings, short black dress and fake boobies. Wonder what she is doing on law school tour...assumes cannot possibly be smart with body like that (yes, stereotyping, sorry)...Girl asks many condescending questions then departs tour half way through saying she must get back to work...realize she probably is smart enough to be law student (or at least bitchy enough)...and stripper.

5:15 PM - second law school tour ends. Depart for hotel - Distance - 14.1 miles, travel time - 1 hour 10 minutes. Cotter ok with this because Fergie Zeppelin is playing on XM in rental car.

6:25 PM - arrive at hotel, jerk it a third time change into significantly less geeky jeans and t-shirt...turn on weather channel, hear it will dip to a chilly 60 degrees this evening - add hooded sweatshirt to fresh gear.

7:35 PM - depart for dinner. Drive includes fun trip through LBC ghetto...confirm that everything Snoop says about it is true. If you're ever there, make sure you've brought your glock.

8:45 PM - dinner at Buona Gente (or some such italian name) on 2nd Street in Long Beach. Good food but bathroom was in kitchen. Did not feel comfortable walking by dishwasher talking on cell phone to use facilities...interesting configuration. Hostess liked Cotter's sweatshirt though, and said so. Bonus.

9:30 PM - drive to some bridge to check out houses on canal. Not really lit up, can't see much. Does look like a great place to smoke weed kayak though.

10:30 PM - quick stop in Rancho Palos Verdes. Great view of LA county. Beautiful out for the fuzz though...they were everywhere.

12:15 PM - arrive back at hotel, exhausted from long day of meeting gaysians, jews, strippers women with fake boobs and long drives. Collapse into bed and slowly jerk it drift off to sleep...ah LA, how I love thee.

And that my friends was the most interesting of Cotter's four days in the gem of Southern California. 'Twas the best four days for me in quite a while. I can honestly say I was thoroughly entertained. Hope you all were too.

Now if you'll excuse me I have a 3rd tour and then a plane to catch...see ya back on the East Coast (sigh).

From LA with love,

- The C Man


tecmo said...

Did you bang hot/stripper Asian? If not, did you give her my number/email address/url?

Marc said...

Dude you're going to get tendonitis. J/k have a good time in Cali.