September 22, 2013

0-3 Would Be UnBEARable...


[Editor's Note: Can't even express how irate I am that I have to post on this old ass POS blogger shit right now. For some reason, I can't get anything to publish on the real OFTOT. Also, I wrote this like three days ago and was at my buddy's wedding from Friday night until now (Sunday) without checking the internet. So, my apologies for whatever state this thing is in. Blame Google or something, and here we go.]

Without question, this game is infinitely more about the Steelers  than it is about the Bears.

This  should pretty much be the case any time your team decides it needs to  hold an all players meeting in Week 3 of the NFL season.

And what a week it has been.


Until the Browns Brown'd it up on Wednesday night, there wasn't a whole lot else worth writing about for people who get paid to try and generate page views.

This is the kind of thing you have to have a sense of humor about.

Is it funny?

Not really.

But dwelling on things you can't change for too long is part of the reason that Xanax exists.

Of course, there's nothing funny about going 0-3.

Everyone  in the Steelers locker room has said they're pointing a thumb at  themselves as who's to blame, but I hope someone - namely, Mike Tomlin -  is in fact pointing a finger at each and every one of them as well.
When you can't produce jack shit on offense, and can't come up with impact plays on defense, that's an unsustainable situation.

Good if you're looking for a high draft pick, but not if you plan to do any winning.

And  all this rhetoric about the standard and things being unacceptable, I  hope this is being communicated emphatically to what is largely a young  locker room, not necessarily yet acquainted with the full reality of the  NFL.

But at least we know they're now no longer allowed to play pool or ping-pong during business hours.



Now, the Bears at home on Sunday Night Football might be exactly what we need right now.

No, I'm being serious.

The Bears are as talented as anyone, on both sides of the ball, but they're far from unbeatable.

They  might be 2-0, but don't ignore the fact that those two wins have come  in margins of three points and one point to the Bengals and Vikings  respectively, and in both cases, they were come-from-behind wins, the  latter having been eked out with 10 seconds left in regulation.

Of course, this is what good teams do.

Given all that's happened with the Steelers lately, perhaps you've forgotten, but it's about finding a way to win.

The only stat that matters is wins.
Nothing  else gets you into the playoffs, unless there's some sort of  underground shit going on in the NFL that I don't know about.

However, the fact that Jay Cutler is throwing the ball alone gives me hope.

Put it this way - if the Steelers can't suss a turnover out of Jay Cutler, they ain't gonna get one.

This  game is being played in our house, in front of a nationally television  audience, and you better believe the fans coming to the game are fully  prepared to boo someone, whether they be wearing white or black.

I don't know why I'm telling you guys this, I hope someone is telling the Steelers this.

Anyway, on the outside chance that any of you still care, let's just get into the preview here.

Because hey, just because the Steelers have been a hot mess, that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun, right?

It'll be therapeutic, I promise.

So, let's begin our session.



Running Back:

Only the second position to review, and things are already about to start  getting dicey.

If you thought I drafted a lot of Bengals in fantasy, you're gonna love me this week.

So, I drafted and own Matt Forte in fantasy, which presents an obvious conundrum.

Do I have enough faith in the Steelers defense to bench one of my starting RBs and best producing players?



File those shorts under "things you can't un-see."

Just ask Brian.

Wide Receivers:                                     
Brandon Marshall, an inflatable butt pillow, a container of Vick's VapoRub, and a couple of Russian nesting dolls make up Chicago's receiving corps.

So yeah,  I actually also drafted and own Brandon Marshall aka "The Beast" in again, I'm pretty well acquainted with his contributions to the Bears offense.

Basically, anytime you're defending a guy who's almost as big as a tight end but with more speed and probably better hands, it isn't exactly going to be a party.

But of course if anyone's up to the task, we'd have to assume it's Jon Gruden's new man crush...

Face Me Ike.

Tight End:

The only stat you really need to know is that Martellus Bennett has more TDs through two games than the entire Steelers offense (3 vs. 2), which has led ESPN to project his overall total for the year at a mind bending 24, which also makes me scared to even ask what they would project the Steelers' offense's total to be.
Also, if you're noticing a trend in TEs becoming way bigger offensive threats recently, congratulations, you've been paying attention.

Good thing the Steelers are also riding this trend hard, fielding the formidable David Paulson for the immediate future.

Pro tip for you pervs - Google image search "Bears cheerleaders".

Or, you know, go watch some porn.

This is the internet, isn't it?

Offensive Line:

Wanted to use a clip from the Bears Superfans SNL skit, but YouTube came up garbage on this one.

Either way, I hope these ladies refer to themselves as the Ditka know, like Dixie Chicks, but with mustaches and less whining.

Anyway, left to right - Jermon Bushrod, Matt Slauson, Roberto Garza, Kyle Long, Jordan Mills.

$17 million guaranteed from Chicago and Jermon Bushrod can't even update his Twitter background.

Matt Slauson comes from Sweet Home. Yes, that's an actual town in Orgeon, and no, I'm not referring to the time he spent with Mark Sanchez over the last few years, although I'm sure that was sweet as well.

Roberto Garza may be the longest tenured Bear on this squad outside of Lance Briggs (still not even sure how you play Center at a high level at 34 years old), and at one point was one of only 19 Hispanic players among 1700 total players in the NFL, so respect. Might wanna throw something on his website, though.

In addition to being spawned from the dong of Howie Long, Kyle Long is also the Bears 1st round pick from this most recent draft. Subsequently, he has become the first Guard in Bear's history to start as a rookie. He also  was apparently  drafted by the Chicago White Sox before college. Could you imagine a 6'6", 311 pound guy playing baseball? How would he even swing a bat?

Anyway, Jordan Mills is the other rookie starting on the Bears offensive line, out of the distinguished alma mater of one Terry Bradshaw, and is the lowest drafted rookie starter in the league right now.

Jay Cutler has been sacked exactly one time this season.

And the Steelers defense has exactly one sack for the season.


Hope Jarvis Jones and Lamarr Woodley wear their big boy pants this weekend.

I just realized I put way too much effort into this section.

Defensive Line:

Corey Wooton, Henry Melton, Stephen Paea, and Julius Peppers.

Corey Wooton was responsible for the concussion that ultimately led to Brett Favre's exit from the NFL, as well as the only full sack the Bears defense has secured this year.

I've pretty much learned zero about Henry Melton through creative Googling, besides the fact that he is the Bear's franchise player this season, and despite the fact that he has zero sacks so far, he is a 2012 pro bowler who's logged 13 over the past two seasons at DT (a not insignificant point).

I can't get past the fact that despite whatever the true pronunciation of his last name is, I can only see his name as Stephen Paella.
And Julius Peppers gonna Julius Peppers, despite his one tackle so far in 2013.


Lance Briggs.
Well, then.

DJ Williams.

True story.

And Mr. Anderson.
If you don't know that reference, go watch Beavis and Butthead Do America immediately.

Tim Jennings, Peanut Tillman, Major Wright, and Chris Co...AH WHAT THE HELL NO ONE CARES.

Coaching Staff:
Still wasn't sure who Marc Trestman was, so I Wikpedia'd him, and  apparently not only do we share the same birthday, but we both have degrees in political science, and both went to law school.


Tim's Tea Party:
Whatever that was on Monday night goes directly to three things:  the Steelers can’t run the ball, can’t block, and no tight end to take the pressure off of Ben (looking at you Mr. Paulson). Meanwhile the Steelers made this guy...

look like a Pro Bowl QB.  The D played well enough and Ike did a great job of keep AJ Green in check. But when you can’t put points on the board, and fumble on an early possession that could’ve changed the game, you will lose (I’m getting tired of writing that and it’s only been two weeks). Now let’s fast forward to week 3’s matchup:  The Chicago Bears.

The Bears come to Heinz Field with a nice little 2-0 record beating the likes of the Bengals...

and the Vikings. Along with the Bears comes Jay Cutler; the guy otherwise known as an emotionless, aloof dick-bag whose teammates aren’t exactly fond of…but he does have a cannon. I mean he can absolutely flat out rifle a football. He’s also highly efficient at rifling the football into the hands of the opposing defense. Mr. Cutler has thrown 103 interceptions and fumbled 59 times over his professional career. That means he’s turning the ball over 1.44 times per game since he’s been in the league. This leads me to this week’s stat:  Turnover plus/minus. I know this isn’t a newly developed advanced stat, but much like music...
it’s nice to revisit the classics from time to time. And I could also come up with a fancy turnover statistic to make it more aggravating, but I don’t have the time to do that; so basically sometimes you’ll get a run of the mill stat. It is also a stat that hits you in the face when you look at the Steelers in recent times. In 2012 the Steelers were a minus 10 in the turnover battle. In 2013 they are a solid minus 4. As a matter of fact, the Steelers Defense has yet to create a turnover this year…WTF?!  You know what this all means?  It means the Steelers are better at being the baby rather than taking the candy.
So if the Steelers can’t get a turnover off of a guy who’s carved out a nice little career in doing so, they’re this...

Now if I didn’t already make you mad enough, this guy...

also happens to be 2-0 vs the Steelers. He’s completed 73% of his passes against the Steelers and also has thrown for 5 TDs in these two wins. He also has a 105.6 QB rating. Yeah...this kinda sucks and it also means there is a very real possibility that the Steelers could be 0-3 after this week.

Where’s the bright side? Well Sack Man Jones has played well thus far, and Ike Taylor looked good against one of the NFL’s truly elite receivers. Ben looks good when he has time, but much like Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety, Ben rarely has it.  That’s it; that’s all I have in terms of optimism. Before I sign off, I’ll leave you with a positive thought:  These guys are releasing their latest album on October 29th.
Much better showing musically from Timothy this week.

Almost there, you guys.

Domski's Dinosaur Corner:

So, Velociraptor it is...

And my personal favorite snack food - Pickles, but on a hot dog because Chicago is cray...

Now, the final countdown


1) Smokin' Jay Cutler

I'm always last to the party.

2) Getting through these things with  the Steelers in their current state...
Shit's rough nowadays.

3) Bears...

Jay Cutler is a power bottom.

4) Other Notable Bears...
Consider Lamarr Woodley the Bear Jew and Jay Cutler the Nazi.

5) 10 years of magnificent locks are getting clipped this November... 
At least it's for a good cause.

So, look, arguably we're lucky enough to once again be given a national audience in front of which to redeem ourselves.

Beat the Bears and "shock the world".


Let's get it.

Here we go.

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